Monday, January 03, 2005

Excess (Emotional) Baggage

From the title I guess it's pretty obvious that I am not so "merry" *sigH* Maybe you don't even need the title since you've known that I am always sad. I am beginning to think that I am always sad. I guess it's because I am not happy and if you really think about it, it is very sad that a person can be unhappy. Anyway, arrived back in my room in Singapore at 00:30 am today, so didn't have much sleep. Received an sms from my mom this morning and God, I miss her so much that if I don't try to hold it, I'm gonna start sobbing now I guess, I should tell you what I had been doing at home. So here you go, what happened in the days that I was gone (in points so that I won't forget what to say).

--<--@ Had a really good flight home because the plane was quite empty and there was only me in and 2 other people in my row. Those 2 were sitting in the other end of the row. I, of course, asked for a window seat. My mom and uncle picked me up and for me it was just pretty psychic that I immediately saw my mom when I got out. Man, I miss her. The trip home was long because of the traffic jam and I actually felt a bit queasy in the car. I was hoping to arrive as soon as possible. That's when for the first time I think Jakarta is just painted in a different shade of colour. It's darker there, everywhere. I guess the streets are so highly polluted that leaves just don't seem to be green. Pollution and also perhaps the city is just a tougher, meaner, and sadder city compared to Singapore. Don't get me wrong, I also think that Singapore has its sad vibe also, or at least for me. I just feel that Singapore is all about the concretes and buildings and it feels so empty for me.

--<--@ Didn't really go anywhere the following day. Was enjoying MTV Indonesia in global TV which is getting weirder and showing more advertisements that content

--<--@ Went to Bandung on December 24. A trip which I wasn't really excited and really didn't want to go, but it's because of my mom that I went. The trip was quite long so we arrived quite late in the evening at my bro's place. Mom was suggesting that all of us (uncles and cousins) just stayed over in my bro's place. I couldn't even make myself sit and yet my mom wanted us to sleep there. So I was throwing tantrums to my mom and yes it was embarrassing and sinful of me, but seriously at that time I was at the verge of crying for things that I better not write here. My mom was kind enough to detect my silence and decided that we could stay at a hotel, a nearby hotel. In the end only the females stayed there and I was pretty satisfied though I couldn't fully feel happy 'cause I felt so guilty to my mom. The next day we went to a temple in Lembang and to Tangkuban Perahu. It was my first time going to Tangkuban Perahu and I was not really that excited. So there are these few craters in Tangkuban Perahu, the remains of a volcanic mountain. The craters are very dangerous because of sulfur and all the gases there, so you can only view them from the mountain tops, you couldn't really go down to the crater except for one, which if I am not mistaken is called Crater Domas. Now, the trip to this crater, involved walking a 1.2 km distance inside a rainforest which amazingly didn't have any mosquitoes inside. I actually didn't see any animals there. The trip was pretty painful because it just rained when we got there and so it was so muddy and without the proper foot wear, I kinda got stuck in the mud several times But, there was this lady who managed to walk all the way and back with heels. Kudos to that girl. Anyways, the path inside the rainforest itself is highly unsafe and you kinda have to walk up the mountain. So on one side there's this mountains' walls with trees and moss and on the other side there's this cliff to the bottom of I don't know where, I couldn't really see, there were just trees and trees down there. So if you fall, my God, you better pray you don't fall because there were no guides there or even safety posts where you can ask for help. Did I say that the path is very narrow too? It was and again when I went there, it was so muddy. Thankfully we all arrived there safely. This crater is not so dangerous so that's why people can approach it. There's this hot spring where boiling water just flow. Yes, the water is hot so approach with caution. One of the thing that were used to sell this place is that you can boil eggs just by putting them in the water You can laugh now. My bro bought a few eggs and actually we didn't boil them ourselves 'cause it's kinda scary. So the person there put the eggs in the basket in the main hot springs and 15 minutes or so they were ready to be eaten. After that it was another 1.2 km walk back. Thank God my mom could make it 'cause she said she was feeling out of breath. We stayed another night in a small inn in Lembang. The place was not that good but I couldn't throw anymore tantrums. I was trying to be at my best behaviour then. The trip wasn't that exciting for me, but I was there for mom. On the road, we passed mountains and we saw villages on that mountains and even in the valley. It is weird how it's like they are in a different world out there. I am so used to all the things that they city has that I find it extremely difficult to comprehend how people can be happy living there, don't they ever want to go out there. But the truth is, they are happy and perhaps they also couldn't understand why we want to live in a polluted city.

--<--@ Got home from our Bandung-Lembang trip to the news of the earthquake and tsunami. The tv stations kept on broadcasting the news and it was evident that the disaster was extremely bad. I remember telling my mom why Aceh is always sad. They had all these rebels and fights going on there, people were killed and chased out of their homes and now they had to be drown by this tsunami. Unbelievable. I don't get it and I don't understand but I guess God has His own plan. It's hard to make sense of all these. When you're in such a dire situation, it is difficult to truly believe that God has it all in His plan (I know because I'd been in such situation before). We can only hope that we could last that long for God to show us the rainbow after the storm.

--<--@ Went to Taman Anggrek, to watch Ocean's 12 again. I was alone and it was to the surprised of my buddies and parents. What to expect, the girls are working now. Ocean's 12 was awesome as I said before. I understand the story much better this time around because of the subtitle and yes it is embarrassing to admit this Mr.Pitt was extremely handsome and cute on this movie. Hmm...Imagining how it would feel to be able to see a handsome face like that everyday like Mrs.Pitt

--<--@ Went for dinner in Taman Anggrek with the girls: Dewi, Marlisa, and Emilia to catch up. It had to be dinner because the girls are career women now. I salute Dewi for her sincerity in working overtime until midnight. I just can't grasp that. The girls are really people with strong characters. I must learn something from them. I don't know if I am really weak or I am just being so tired of having to be strong all this while. I just want to be able to relax and be happy *sigH*

--<--@ What else? The not so interesting ones were: I went to Roxy Square with my mom, very quiet there. I went there again another day and had my hair cut. Went to Taman Anggrek with mom for a little shopping (very little). Had dinner in "Ekaria" with my cousin and her parent. Talked to Meylyana and Rista (they were both in Jakarta). Rista's nephews kinda bugged me in the phone Met Dian (a friend from primary school) on the bridge on my way home from TA. Met Liana and her mom. Didn't really met much people. Ate tang yuan or onde-onde from SimSim. My mom didn't make any because grandpa just passed away. Watched grandpa burial ceremony vcd, it was very interesting. SimSim also fulfilled my request and made me kue celepon

--<--@ For New Year's Eve, I basically didn't do anything interesting and special like all the previous years. I'm not interested in partying anyway (ever). I don't know why, new year kinda make me feel on the gloomy and reflective side, because you are getting older and it's just such a huge reminder of things in the past. Anyway, had a barbecue dinner in SimSim's house. It was her idea. The chicken were good. It was good to be able to get together again, though there weren't much of us there.

--<--@ Had the drama unfold for me. I was expecting that. Should I feel sad? I guess I should. I should feel "prihatin" or concerned I guess, but I kinda feel all the things were pretty ridiculous. To perhaps bring you out of confusion a bit, let me just tell you that there's a Rasputin liked character involved. Let's hope that the family didn't go down in history the way the Czar family did. Well, at least I think "my team" are in "I don't give a damn" mode so we kinda don't want to do anything but wait for time to reveal everything Sad, it is sad but we can still joke about it. I made a joke to my mom that we should sell our story to people who make "sinetron" (sinema elektronik = electronic cinema) or tv soap. Really, the story is like a tv soap, even more dramatic. You may find it hard to believe. If it didn't happen to me I wouldn't believe it myself, but this thing actually happen Okay enough said about that. Menepuk air di dulang terpercik muka sendiri so I better shut up.

--<--@ My trip back was bad. The plane was so full. The plane even waited in idle for some minutes in the runway. I don't know what ever for. There were some heavy turbulence. The most annoying part was that, there were no meal, only a drink!!! To think that I paid more to travel in such a plane to be treated in a budget airline fashion. I think even budget airline is not that stingy. Not just that, water was dripping from the ceiling to my seat!!! And the water wasn't even clear, it's yellowish like it had some rust in it, disgusting right??? That and can we add that I was feeling depressed. Oh yeah, I must start with the good bye part with my mom. I wanted to cry and tears were forming in my eyes. I tried my best not to cry but I kinda feel that my mom cried too. It really is getting more difficult to leave home. Today I am exactly what my mom said I shouldn't be. Gosh, should avoid topic about mom 'cause I can feel that tears are forming in my eyes.

--<--@ Found out a funny thing about a certain someone today. The person may not think it to be funny but I kinda feel it is. We are still pretty much living in a traditional society so people sometime hide things that they think is out of the society norm. The westerner may not give a damn about it but it turns out Asian like this person I know really care and man she really gives a damn about it. I like to say that I would just come clean with everything and would not hide anything if I were in that situation but I have to admit that it was difficult to do so.

Okay, gotta stop talking now. God please help me, please. If You bring me to it, You will bring me through it right? Or is it time? Maybe this is the sign I'm asking for? Okay I won't budge anymore, I think. Just help me God.

:) eKa @ 1:08:00 PM •