Saturday, August 28, 2004
Yesterday evening I found out from my mom that a certain family member died yesterday morning. It was so surprising for me and it's just weird, the feeling that I was having. It was the same feeling that I had when one of my aunts died in the semester when I had my software engineering project. I remembered the time because it was just such a tiring semester with all the projects around. None of my friends and group members knew about it because I am just such a closed person. At that time I thought, there's nothing that they could do to make it better so why bother telling them, it would only make me face the sadness even more when they were giving their sympathy. Anyway, at that time and yesterday the feeling that I had was "is it time?". Is it time? for the people that I know really well to go away soon. Is the period starting when they will start to leave me one by one? I know that it's inevitable but thinking about it makes me so scared. I'm still so weak. I don't think I'm independent yet. I can go through my days because I know that my parent are still there. So if I fall or fail, I still can always go home to them. I still have aunts and uncles and bestfriends. I'm not saying that they're going to die soon *knock wood* but I'm just scared thinking that one day, it's all me, all alone, for real. The family member who died wouldn't see his daughter graduating, wouldn't be there when the daughter gets married. Thinking about that could break your heart, really, but you just have to make do with what's there.One of the thing that I was so interested to know from my mother yesterday was how was the whole family situation with this news coming. Is the "war" still going on? It's not right...it's just not right...but there's just too much heartache...there were tears...and one wonders if things would ever be the same again.
Me, personally, I have lost hope and intention in one certain situation. Too much heartache, it's not worth it anymore. Why would I entrust myself to people whom I know don't care at all if I fall. Maybe it's selfish to expect kindness as a reward from your kindness but when I can not be sincere anymore in being kind, why still doing it?
:) eKa @ 10:42:00 AM •
bluesky.
finally a little bit of sun and blue sky and it's most probably the only one I would get here - side note: feel quite sad about Pope Francis, such an inspiration to be humble and down to earth :(
adieu Paris, je ne sais pas s'il y a une prochaine fois - si non, je pense que je suis contente :)
knocked my tea all over the table, but a girl quickly came to help me clean up and even said sorry about my tea - it gives me hope about these kids
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from the poem 大阿蘇 (おおあそ) by 三好達治 (みよしたつじ):
もしも百年が
この一瞬の間にたったとしても
何の不思議もないだろう
that line is just ... it stucks with me
a good present - bought a cake and getting a slice of cake for free - I know the universe has love for me :)
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photos.
archives.
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