Monday, March 14, 2022
Turned 40 today. If you ask me how I feel about it, well I can't answer positively because I feel dreadfully stuck in my life and being older and still stuck is just not pleasing at all. However when I wished happy birthday to my cousin who turned 40 earlier 9 days ago, she said we made it to 40! and that was like a reminder for gratitude because I do know people who didn't make it to 40, I know people who didn't even make it to 30, so to make it here is a blessing. Somehow God still wants me around. I don't know if I am fulfilling His plan. He does know what I wish for though, what I have been asking everyday.
Anyways, today was spent visiting Gardens by the Bay to see the cherry blossoms in the Flower Dome. Some thoughts swirled in my head on the bus ride there. Music was provided by my NYC / SF playlist and little memories floated by. In fact quite a number of my travelling memories have been floating by these past few months. There is a lot to be thankful for that I had had the chance to travel and it's like going to 40, I have had the chance to fill my life with many places and it's was really a blessing. I don't know when I will get to travel again. It's been a regular thing in my life pre-COVID and as COVID stops our lives, there were times when I was thankful that I had had the chance to do all the things I did before COVID. The next plane ride I'll take will definitely to home but even that I have my apprehension. All the different requirements and the fear of sudden rule change is so real in me. It also makes me realize that to travel further like I used to do has now become even more daunting to me - all the different rules just to get on and off the plane and how about the COVID rules in the destination, is it lax? It would be a nightmare to get COVID overseas. It's not like I don't have enough anxiety in my actual life, I am adding fear into a hypothetical situation. That is something that I realize about me recently, that I could manufacture crisis for myself. Somehow I just can't accept things to be going well or good, even writing that feels to me like I am jinxing it. I feel there's always like a hidden undercurrent beneath, like there's a twist, something bad is coming. I guess in conclusion, as I get older my anxiety grows and grows. Kinda old to not be having a handle on it and I do wonder if I have regressed in life, but perhaps that is just my path, the things that I need to learn in life.
Let me stop now. Here are some pictures from the Flower Dome. I put filters on a number of them. For more pictures with less touch up, you can go here.
:) eKa @ 10:12:00 PM • 0 comments
Monday, February 21, 2022
I have quite a number of random thoughts but it's kinda too random to be written together as a cohesive unit and the only thing I could think of as maybe the uniting theme is that they have some sort of measurement in them, hence the title of the post. Last week as I was being examined by my doctor, I realized that often times you just don't take notice of certain things. 3 cm or 7-8 cm something would never mean anything to you until the day they carry more weight than wanted in your life. You start taking out the ruler and judging if something is small or big :( Then what is 6 months. 6 months often pass by quickly without you noticing it, but you will notice it when you have to evaluate if the last 6 months has taken a turn for the worse or by some miracle it has gone great :( Then there's 10 years. It was quite a surprise for me to find out that I'm reaching 10 years on something. I have lasted this long?!? This was compounded even more when I, by pure chance, met with someone from the past. It was such a good coincidence that I hugged the girl twice. She told me she's 30 now and it was more or less 10 years ago when I left them all so a number of things had happened and in her own words, she has grown. A sweet thing she said was that we love you. It was actually the second time this was told to me by them and as much as it made me feel rather good, but upon more reflection it makes me kinda sad. I have heard people tell me they love me but none of them are loves that I can have every day. It's not the oxygen that you have in every breath, but more like the high from a good meal. It fills you and before long it's gone and somehow you have to draw strength from the memory of it, that someone had loved you and remember by extension God or the universe (if you prefer) loves you. Anyways, as much as the girl has grown, she still has her own restlessness which I can relate very well. I pray for her because I can understand fully how hard it is to stay afloat when you're sinking deeper and deeper.
On other news. The hill or the mountain? This relates to my plan of taking JLPT. I think in my life, I could never see me submitting myself to climb a mountain, but here I am contemplating the hill or the mountain. I found a website that provides practice tests for both N2 and N3 and I attempted both. The official JLPT website itself provides sample questions and after attempting the practice tests from the other website, I found how the sample questions is not really representative at all of the actual test especially from the time limit point of view and the length of it all. The N3 practice test surprised me when it didn't make me feel like crying. I wouldn't say I was cruising but I finished before the time limit and I didn't feel so bad after it though maybe I should feel bad because I couldn't even reach 90% in all the components. The N2 on the other hand was like a slap to the ego; this is even after I knew before going in that it would be hard for me. I couldn't finish within the allocated time and I would say I performed poorly. JLPT doesn't take your raw score but they apply scaled score. It was my first time hearing it and considering my weekdays environment, I am a bit embarrassed that I have never heard of it before or know how it works. So my raw score for the N2 practice test was scary bad and I don't know if it would become better in the scaled score. All of this doesn't matter, what matters is should I attempt the hill (which is N3) or the mountain (N2). Does it make sense to do something that you know you can do? Doing something you know you can do is not going to make you feel triumphant unlike when you have managed to conquer a challenge. As you hear me saying all this I guess you can guess where this is heading. Instead of attempting something that is within reach, I am deciding that I will be doing N2 and now all effort will be focused on this. I really think that the kanji is my Achilles' heel and I really don't think my attempt to memorize words work, simply because I don't think I have memorized any :( Anyways, now that I told you about all this, I guess I would have to tell you the result later on, even if I fail :( You should know by now that I'm a pessimist so don't fault me for not being positive.
:) eKa @ 9:18:00 PM • 0 comments
Thursday, January 20, 2022
Book 0 - A Gentleman in Moscow
I finished reading A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles. I took way too long. It's a great book actually and I like it a lot. There will be a lot of spoilers in this post, so stop reading if you want to read the book which I am totally recommending. I myself got to read this book because it was on Obama's book list. Anyways, A Gentleman in Moscow tells a story of a Russian Count who was put under a hotel arrest. The reason of his arrest is hard to be reasoned with. Let's just say that at that time Russia was undergoing revolution (side note: I don't have any Russian history knowledge at all) and aristocrats were being wiped out. When the Count was sentenced, there's no end date on when he could get out, so he practically had to spend his entire life in the hotel. He moved from his spacious and luxurious suite to a small room in the attic. The count began his sentence at the age of 33, but thankfully he had experienced a bit of life before his arrest. One would think that being confined to a luxury hotel and having money during it would not be so bad, definitely not as bad as the Russians who were sent to the gulag, however as you see other people going about their lives and you stay stuck, well you can imagine that it will bring one spirits down. On his lowest moment something happened, something that I can only describe as God still having things to show and amuse him, and that caused him to literally walk away from the ledge and find a new way of living.
Another life-changing moment for the Count was when a woman who he knew as a child in the hotel entrusted him with her daughter. This part of the story had its sad moment for me (who tend to look at the downside of things). The girl's mom was never mentioned again and we don't know what happened to her parents. The Count, however, ended up having a fulfilling life as a father to this child and as he said, it made the whole experience of being confined to the hotel meaningful and he wouldn't change it for anything. While he was able to come to terms with his life, he didn't want the girl to live a restricted life and he seized an opportunity to give the girl freedom away from Russia. Without the girl, he also realized that it's time for him to leave the hotel and he also plotted his escape. He spent 32 years in the hotel by the time he left. That's a long time for someome to have their life be constricted. In the end though and this is something that I could relate with, despite "Russia" unfairly taking away his life and the lives of many people he knew, he decided to stay in Russia. There is this illogical love for country that I get, because I feel that. There's always question if Indonesia loves all her people equally for example people with my background, but at the end of the day I am still choosing to be Indonesian.
:) eKa @ 8:26:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, January 14, 2022
I'm not one who likes or really applies the phrase one day at a time. I have way too much anxiety and in general I seem to just steer away anything remotely close to self-help. It's like one day at a time, okay so you get through today, but then tomorrow you have to deal with this same old shit all over again, what the fuck?!? I say that knowing full well that sometimes what else can you do, you just need to get through and hope that things will somehow get better. I'm not a fan of the phrase and yet ending last year and starting this year, I found myself thinking one year at a time. I will just do and see how this year will be and then take it from there, whenever and wherever there will be. The thought was brought on by the fact that I ended last year with another change and I guess I need to let that change plays out, hopefully at least a year. To say 2021 was bad would be incorrect. Nobody close to me died in 2021. I lost my dad in 2020 and nothing topped that magnitude in 2021. When I prayed to God at the end of last year, I realized yes shitty things have happened (many may be brought by my own doings though the stubborn me will say there's no other way it could go), but I think mentally I just faired pretty badly reacting to all the shitty things and I said sorry to God about that. It also brought a realization that when you have to deal with things alone, it is perhaps somewhat expected that at times you will not be your best self. It's not always easy being alone, especially being in your mind all the time alone. In 2020, the most difficult things I had to do were done with my mom and brother and so I came out of it pretty much okay. In 2021, the things that I had to go through were perhaps not so hard but Lord, the way I went through them, I would describe it as a child having to do something she doesn't want to do, so the child did it kicking, screaming, and crying. That's pretty much me.
I ended 2021 moving to a new place. So I moved twice in 2021! Again I couldn't see any other way. There were just many things that made me miserable and I believe physically unhealthy in the previous place that I had been looking and looking for a way out. A way out did come, but it was way way more expensive. Only by mom's prodding that I took the exit. I'm worried about the money (still worried), perhaps kinda illogically (how much money do you really need, really?) and she was like as long as you can still make money, you have room to move (I guess that applies figuratively and literally). Talking about money, there's something that pissed me off when I left the old place and let me just say that if ever I get to be rich, I hope I won't be an ass. That kinda ties to a TV series that I am currently watching, Dopesick, which is about the opioid epidemic in the U.S. I couldn't recall how the opioid epidemic came to my consciousness, maybe a bit of John Oliver or Hasan Minhaj, maybe I heard Trump was going to do something about it (but what did he do actually?). I heard of it but I didn't know much and this TV series so far has been pretty good in illuminating though I have questions, like do people who take OxyContin will definitely get addicted? Are there people who took it and are totally fine? Also how do you detox or rid yourself of opiod addiction? Anyways tying it back to the money part, one of the character featured is Richard Sackler who as Wikipedia pointed is a billionaire; he was heavily involved in the development and push of OxyContin and he really pushed. He was aiming for world domination. I haven't finished the series, so I don't know if his drive would be depicted more and is more nuanced. There are parts that show him trying to convince people that his drive is just to relieve pain in people in a way that made me wonder if he believed it himself, but I think for the most part, he's just driven by wanting to build a legacy in his name, beating people who doubted him, at any cost. In front of his family members who have shares in Purdue Pharma (who made OxyContin), he definitely convinced them of his plan by showing how much money they could make. Money seems to drive the whole family and it's like you guys are already so freaking rich, why do you need more. Their extended family seems so dysfunctional. The way they and the other bosses and some sales staff in Purdue Pharma closed their eyes and even doubled down by creating pills with higher and higher dosage even though they heard how the medication was being abused just because the money were rolling in, it is all just so despicable.
Anyways, back to me. Another change in life is that I now have nothing to do on Saturdays. Japanese class ended last week and I knew I would be at a lost but somehow last week I didn't feel overly sad. I think I will be losing my mind maybe in a few weeks. There were times when I thought I had too much homework but I think the routine, the going out for class, is actually good for me and I miss it already. I spent 7 years with the same sensei which is unusual I have to say. In all my times learning other languages, I never had the same teacher from beginning to end. That is 7 years of commitment, of going to class every Saturday morning, of doing every homework (which I pretty much did). Not everyone could do that, but amazingly aside from me there were also 3 other classmates who had been there from day 1. It's pretty unusual. When the classmates were asked what they're going to do next, a few said they would pick up another language. That is not something that I will do because I think 5 is enough? I don't have enough brain space and I pretty much only fluent in 2, so perhaps I need to practice on the rests. I am planning to take the JLPT (Japanese-Language Proficiency Test) exam. Of all the classmates, only me and another lady have never took the exam, even one. The sensei seemed to think I should do N2 but I am so bad at Kanji and I don't think anyone really noticed how bad I am at it. How do you suppose to answer questions when you couldn't even read the questions :( I am aiming to do N3, but I start to feel that the crazy delusional part of me thinks that I could actually do N2. The test will be in July, but I have to decide which one to take in March. I could take N3 in July and if that goes well, do N2 in December. However it will be even better if I just torture myself one time. The plan is to self-study, but the lack of discipline and willpower is worrying me. We are already in the middle of January and I haven't even started. Finger crossed that I actually would do it.
:) eKa @ 10:39:00 PM • 0 comments
Thursday, December 30, 2021
I haven't written about movies I watched in the longest time, but today I felt compelled to write about The Matrix Resurrections. I like it. I'm not a super fan of The Matrix but I like Keanu Reeves enough to make an effort to watch this in the cinema and I say again, I like it. I think it's because I like Sense8 a lot and seeing a number of the cast there and some scenes that's reminiscence of Sense8, it kinda made for a really enjoyable watch for me. I was smiling under my mask :) I wish I could see everyone in Sense8 there, but the guy who played Wolfgang was there and it's kinda enough for me - yeah I like him the most :D I also like how the new matrix is more colourful, but I guess that's what they do to make you not question if you're in a simulation or not. Another thing that I thought was really cool was how they make Trinity the hero. I didn't know that I wanted that, but it was so cool to see her fly :) Despite of me really liking this movie though, I do have to say that perhaps the story is kinda so so. Aside for the new technology that was kinda cool and does answer questions for me like how do programmes exist in the real world, nothing else was really mindblowing. When I read reviews about this, it does seem there's quite a split - either you really like it or you feel it's a waste of time. Like honestly I don't know if I can recommend it on the strength of The Matrix alone, because again I really enjoyed it because throughout I felt a Sense8 elements in it :)
:) eKa @ 9:49:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, December 17, 2021
I saw that in 2020, I didn't read a lot of books and I read even less this year. It is embarrassing that I couldn't be more disciplined in reading and just set aside time to read. Anyways, completed books this year are:
- Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo - A really interesting read and I do recommend it to people wanting to read something different.
- The Topeka School by Ben Lerner - Aah, this one is difficult.
- The Dutch House by Ann Patchett - I like it.
:) eKa @ 9:15:00 PM • 0 comments
Thursday, November 25, 2021
I don't think I have written a post this immediately after something happened to me and here I am doing it now and my heart is still racing. I really need to calm down. So what had happened was, just over 1 hour ago I was locked out between my room and the front door without my phone. I will not elaborate on how my current living situation is right now, but basically there was no one to help. I prayed that by some miracle God will help me open the door as I stupidly tried the handle many times. Stupidly I said because I'm sure me trying repeatedly will not help. I somewhat shouted help help but no one heard and came and then after some time a neighbour who I don't know of passed by on her way to work and I said please help me. This lady, Kelly K, was like the miracle from God. In my panic I don't think I explained myself well other than can you please google a locksmith and help me because I'm locked out. She's a miracle because not only did she stop, she actually had a locksmith she used before and she's one of those people who's super efficient and I think quite social. She quickly set it up and said locksmith coming in 20 mins and then took photo of the front door and asked me to take photo of my door and settled everything for me. There's concern that the locksmith needed to actually change the lock handle and I'm really not good with stress, I'm panicky and pitiful and she helped relayed my concerns and after looking at the photos the locksmith kindly said no lock would be changed. So all's good and Kelly had to go for her meeting and I waited. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for Kelly. Then locksmith came, the way he dealt with the front door was eye-opening. Then he dealt with my door and all and all it took around 10 mins and 70 dollar - a bit pricey but I am dumb and this current living place is just such a doom for me so what else there is to say. I'm just thankful all is solved. Luckily as well, mobile phone banking works after such long disruption yesterday and I could still pay the man.
When Kelly finished helping me and left, I was thinking it was like a miracle. God sent someone to help me and someone who actually knew a locksmith and overall I was locked out for just over an hour. Considering I could have been locked out for hours and hours without food or water, that is pretty short. Kelly even offered her phone asking if I wanted to call anyone and like all the stupid people in this age, I don't know any phone number except for 2, my home phone number and my aunt's home phone number back in Indonesia and what good will that do. A lot of thoughts came, like how it's super important to have neigbours you trust enough with your keys and as much as I tend to criticize how I think many people are not close with their neighbour in Singapore, I realize at this moment there's no neighbour back in Jakarta whom my mom entrust with our key. It's not like we cannot count on them on super emergency but I think it's because we have aunt and uncle nearby, they have our keys and will always shelter us. Gosh how I miss having aunt and uncle nearby to help. So I was thinking as I was waiting, what is the lesson to be learnt here God? You'll always help me, you'll bail me out always. As I thought that, I also thought it would be nice if I didn't get locked out in the first place though. As I wrote that, I think maybe God's response to that is well don't be stupid then. I was doing things without thinking, without paying attention and that's why I was in an almost catastrophic shit. Things could have been worse. I could have been a student needing to do an exam for example or I could have been someone needing medication, like insulin or inhaler. I wasn't any of that and praise be to God, He helped me and let me out fast. My heart has stopped racing and I think I need to be more mindful in the things that I do now.
:) eKa @ 1:50:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, November 12, 2021
I wrote 2 drafts for this post and both of them are negative in tone. They talk about something that I can't really talk about right now other than I am shit scared about it. It doesn't seem fair and of course far from enjoyable to read me unloading my fear without context, so I will try to step away from all that for the time being and write about things that I recently watched.
I haven't talked about movies I watched in a long time, but there were some times in the past few months were I had some free time and I ended up filling them watching movies. Here are some of them. I think aside for Dune which I was really interested to watch, the rest I watched because I had some free time and wanted to just go out.
- Dune - It seems it was released in Singapore way earlier than in America. I watched it in a big hall with like less than 10 people in it and so I ended up feeling dead cold and couldn't concentrate and wished it would end faster. It was cinematographically interesting and I'm sure there will be sequels, but for this part 1 I guess I'm kinda frustrated because what this Timothée Chalamet's Paul supposes to do, that part is not clear to me and so I need more and yet at the same time the movie is already pretty long.
- The Green Knight - It has many beautiful interesting scenes. I'm not familiar with the poem it's based on and in the end, I don't know if I like the story much, like what is the point of all this. That being said, it is beautifully shot and that makes for an interesting watch.
- Werewolves Within - I would normally give this kind of movie a miss but I had a free time to fill and there's Sam Richardson whose character in Veep is loveable and he's playing another lovable guy here. Side note: his stint in Ted Lasso was interesting funny :D For this movie, I would just say it's okay.
- The Last Duel - I think I start to like Adam Driver a lot because he's kinda an actor actor and not an actor celebrity and he chose interesting movies to be in. This movie tells the story of an alleged rape from the point of view of 3 people; the 2 person in the act and the husband of the woman being raped. Watching it, I would say it's clear it's a rape though I read it's based on a real event and people are still unsure if it was rape. So basically then the husband (Matt Damon) and the alleged rapist (Adam Driver) need to fight it out in a duel. I would just say I think it's an okay movie.
As for TV. I finished watching all the 5 seasons of The Wire and I like them a lot. Season 1 gave me like a Law & Order feel but as it progressed, I was pretty invested in the story. I couldn't relate with the very violent drug world. On the other hand, seeing the bureaucracy and staff in the police department, school system, mayor office, newspaper, well all of those are just so relatable because I guess the same things happen everywhere all over the world - the fight to chase numbers in stats, how achieving certain numbers is seen as improvement, how one would change or create the metrics they need to get the numbers they want, and how the effort to do all this reporting eclipses the actual work or how the work that actually is good work is not being appreciated or even axed because it doesn't serve the numbers or the upper people. I think there's people in every country in this world who gets this. Thinking about it more, I wonder if the criminal world is actually the real meritocracy. You can't bullshit your way into power there, you have to show true result. Anyways, if ever they will do another round of The Wire, I'll be down to watch that.
Some of the things I currently watch include The Morning Show. I don't particularly like what they did to Steve Carell's character this season, sigh. I guess it's because we saw him trying to do good. I have to remind myself that hold on, his character did many bad things. It's interesting that I think they are trying to explore what being cancelled is like and if there's any way one can get back to the good graces of people. Are there mistakes too big that you cannot get back? Is it fair to expect forgiveness and acceptance? I wonder where the story is going to go. Another thing I'm watching is Impeachment: American Crime Story which tells the story of the Clinton–Lewinsky scandal centering more on Monica Lewinsky's side of thing. It does make me feel a little bit sympathetic towards her but then she did wrong and through it all, I think the person who is so unfairly damaged is Hillary Clinton. This is a lady who is truly capable and yet this event, which is not her fault at all, has stained her forever. Seriously I don't know why there are people who can't be sympathetic towards Hillary, this is a lady who had to go through something so embarrassing but onwards she rises up and marches on. She is actually very impressive and that is admirable.
:) eKa @ 10:06:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, October 01, 2021
I'm still feeling very bleak, so you can stop reading if you feel tired hearing me. I can't wrap my things around the fact that things are not working out for me. Things that I tried meet me with silence - it's like God is saying, no, not this door. I am saying this fully aware that my so called effort is far from exhaustive. 2 failures out of 2 attempts are just common right, but I just feel so dejected. Right now I feel trapped and I feel like there is no exit for me, there wouldn't be a place out there for me to go to.
Recently this bible verse came to me - James 1:6, But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Side note: my Christian education drilled a song that allows me to remember the sequence of the books in the new testament in Indonesian, but I couldn't figure out what James is in Indonesian, so had to google it out and found out it's Yakobus. Anyways, that bible verse describes me really well. Along with that verse there's a short reading that said something along the line that if you have faith that God has taken care of your issue, then you should have peace and serenity because it's like a done deal. Reading that, I was struck by the fact that yeah I have lost all faith. Really if I have to be honest, I don't have any faith. The bible also says lean not on your own understanding, but time and time again I whirled in my own thoughts and again and again it shows it does me no good. When you're in trouble, you think of God and here I am pleading with God. All those years in Christian school really leave an imprint on me that when I think of God, it's mostly in the Christian way. That being said, my stubbornness is still holding me back from submitting completely and I can just imagine all those Christians out there saying, so how do you expect God to help you if you're not going to surrender to Him? I don't know, I'm just hoping He be merciful to me.
Since I am in my head a lot, I can tell you there are a lot of negative thoughts. There's anger at people who I perceive as to not be understanding of what I'm going through, who easily say have you considered this and that. The other side of my head tells me of course they don't get it, they're not in your shoes. They don't talk to you on a daily basis, they don't even see you. Even people who sees you everyday (like mom) may get bored with your issues and your lack of effort. There's also jealousy on other people who I see as having it easy in life, like their life is taken care of; they don't have a clue on how to live like me, but then as I think like this, the other side of my head says as much as you can point to people having it better than you, you can just easily point to people having it worse than you. You're not a woman under Taliban rule, that alone makes you extremely fortunate. There is a lot of self-pity. I need to lift myself and make an effort to fix my situation, but I feel so paralyzed (mostly by fear) that I don't know what to do. I feel miserable here and yet I feel this is it, I am trapped, there's no way out, even though there is. There is a way out, but I feel scared that it will be another trap so I need God to show me the right door, to tell me it's alright to walk through and get out :'(
:) eKa @ 7:25:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, September 03, 2021
Functional On The Outside, Turmoil On The Inside
Before I wrote this post, by chance I happened to read a random post I wrote in 2009 where I wrote: I realize that I have issue with stress, sadness, and fear. All these negative feeling do paralyze me often but last weekend when I decided to just surrender it all to God, I realize that I can also just be positive and be happy. So 12 years later, no I still can't deal with stress, sadness, and fear and all those negative feelings do paralyze me terribly. I also can't believe that girl who wrote that she could just be positive and happy, like when have I ever? It does make me think that there are always bigger issues. What issue did that 27-year old girl face? I couldn't even remember. I know for sure she wouldn't want what I'm having right now. I have a real freaking problem now. In some posts back, I wrote that my body did something strange during the time when I had to move. The strangeness didn't go away and it's stressing me out even more, so I went to the doctor and blood test and scans confirmed I have something that shouldn't be there. The day I found out I cried my eyes out. Not because I had these abnormal things, but because I have to deal with it alone. It took quite some times to somewhat calm down, but when mom called I just cried again even before I told her what happened. Mom told my cousin who has experience with this and hearing her, I realized I wasn't in awe enough with what she has to go through. Even now I feel my cousin is so tegar (seriously there's no equivalent english word, the closest is mentally strong). She told me to be ikhlas about it (again there's not quite an equivalent in English, closest is just to let it go) and surrender to God so that my heart can be light about it *sigh* This week I went to the doctor again to find out what we should do. The problems are big, bigger than I would have like and I am hung up on that. This is despite of the somewhat good news of the doc opting for the conservative approach of waiting and then reviewing it again after 6 months unless I get massively worse before that. I think she sensed that I'm alone here and it might be hard for me mentally and physically to undergo the last option without any support system. She told me not to stress out because as my cousin said this happens to other people too and there is a solution for this, even though we may not like the solution. While some people (like mom) would react positively to what the doc said, I just can't really be that calm. I may appear functional on the outside, but inside there's a lot of turmoil and I'm really not calm at all.
As I pray to God, I told Him that there are so many things that I need to ask. I just feel I have a lot of problems, like I really really need to get out of my current living situation. In light of this medical issue I'm having, I feel getting out of this place is becoming even more pressing :( I feel so stuck because I'm not seeing ay good affordable options out there. To narrow down my problems to a single wish to be fulfilled is hard and I try to cheat by asking God to please let everything be alright, but that doesn't feel right, it's like I'm greedy. I've read it all and I heard it all, like you are deserving of the blessing but somehow, maybe it's my lack of faith, I'm not believing it. I feel there will be no miracle and it will just be all hard on me. This is not going to be easy despite of how much I wish it to be. Some people will argue that this is the miracle. Things can be way way worse and right now we're not there. I guess since the pessimistic me is convinced the path will be hard not matter what, all I need to remember is that I will be able to do this because no matter how hard it's going to be, God is going to be there too *sigh* I'm really not in a good headspace right now, even more so than usual. I hope it's not the case for you. I hope your days are glorious.
:) eKa @ 9:17:00 PM • 0 comments
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