Tell Me Why Things Sucks

They say, everything happens for a reason. I now realize for me, I want to know what the reason is. You think that knowing the reason will make you feel better, but I know it may make you feel bad too. The pisces in me, the two fish swimming in opposite direction or perhaps in a circle, we're always just going back and forth from one direction to another.

March is my birthday month. Turned 37 this year. I always like odd number better, but 37, darn that is old especially if I consider where I am in life :( It's even older if we're following my mom who's following the Chinese calendar because I turn 38 on Monday. There are so many mornings where I just recite over and over, God please help me, as soon as I weak up. With what maybe God wonders? I don't know, I just feel like I'm gonna fall apart any moment now.

Anyway, spent my birthday making new passport. Had my usual struggle during biometric. Luckily the bapak in charge seemed sympathetic. It made me realize, some struggles will be with me for the rest of my life. It occurs to me that it's perhaps weird that not many people know I have this issue. The people who know is like my family and even then not many of them know. It's like a non-issue issue but darn when I'm struggling with it, it really sucks :(

Told my cousin about it after I was done with the process and also told her about a silly thought that I was having in relation to the current Indonesian celebrity news (at that time). My cousin is only a few days older than me and she said it's not silly at all. She knows exactly what I meant. If I tell you what it is, it's too embarrassing, so I'm not gonna to. That night, I also texted a bit with Gascoigne in which we kinda touched on the subject. One of his replies was a sample of prayer that I could tell God, like some sort of template I could copy and paste. Truly it made me laugh. I don't talk a lot to my cousin or Gascoigne but it's kinda nice that despite of that, I think we know each other well enough to have good conversation even though it's only through a few texts.

By the way, I like how fast the embassy can process your passport. I think I did mention this 5 years ago when I made one, but I felt now they're perhaps even faster by 1 day. This time around, I opted to get it delivered. It seemed not many people know this option and it happened fast too. It's good that Singapore Post is also efficient. Now I'm waiting for my voting papers. I heard citizens in some other countries are already getting their voting papers which seemed like super early to me. Well Singapore is small, so maybe that's why they don't have to start so early.

On other news, I don't have other news. I'm planning something but I kinda couldn't do it with a light heart because well people sucks. My mom said it's alright though so perhaps that's all that matters. I think I freak out too much. Again with the anxiety. There's just a lot of fear. I read this about pisces, it is also a pessimistic and tends to give way to sadness, melancholy. I'm also a dog and I read this, dogs are very intuitive but can tend toward pessimism -- and even see dangers where there aren’t any. Reading that kinda made me laugh, but it also made me think, oh well now you know it's inherent in you. One time I also read that a dog born at night (which is me) tends to be restless because they're like guarding the house. Again it made me think, no wonder with all this restlessness. I know perhaps you think it's silly to trust zodiac, but I just want to know the reason why. I need an explanation.

:) eKa @ 6:50:00 PM • 0 comments

Merging Me

My cousin told me that when she was sick and had to go through all the treatments, she learned that the most important thing is to have your health - and I guess also gratitude and letting go. She also told me now that the whole ordeal is over, she's kinda forgetting all those lessons :D Your environment or your situation does sometime put you in a different state of mind. Maybe you get tougher, be more patient, or spiraling down into a deep dark hole. You are perhaps not truly yourself in those situations.

Why I'm starting this post with that thoughtful idea? Though perhaps not well-thought off and doesn't make sense. I guess because I'm realizing it's like there are two versions of me. The me that struggles in Singapore and the other me that's looking (dare I say) great in Indonesia. The more I think about it, both of them are like unreal to me. I don't like the me in Singapore. She seems to always be heavy in burden and I genuinely wish she can be happier. She's great after all - wow that's me praising myself. Well you kinda have to love yourself, right? The me in Indonesia is super unreal. She like doesn't live in the real world. She's on vacation with almost no responsibility and so no stress. That's like not a valid adult. The struggle in Singapore is real as you can read from the many posts and I spend most of my days here so the version of me here perhaps feel the most real to me that I kinda cannot see that outside of that, back at home, I do have family and friends who if they have been in my environment on a constant basis, I may feel completely different. I really wish that these 2 versions of me can merge so that I don't feel so bad.

So I went back home for Chinese New year. Of course it was great - hours spent in front of the TV, eating, meeting relatives and friends, being able to sleep. The person I am closest to in my family is my mom and I am truly thankful to God for the moments that we get to spend together. They are precious to me. I don't mean to sound morbid and all, but I often get the realization that these times are running out so I am really thankful for the time we got to spend. I also had moments of feeling bad when my dad looked at me because I thought I hadn't been nicer to him. Writing all these sentimental things make me teary eyes :'(

Anyways, with the friends and mom, we talked about my situation and there were advices. Mom's is of gratitude, always. My friend, Emilia, has a good line about not making assumptions. I talked about perspective last time and how I see it but couldn't reconcile myself with it. Talking with my friends and mom, it kinda made me feel like I could because they are doing it. I put "made" in past tense because though I'm trying to be a better person, I know that perhaps that good intention or spirit they're emanating to me will fade. Right now perhaps I am in the glow of the light, but I will be back into the dark hole pretty soon. Even now if I think back of the points that make me furious, I will get rattled. I'm not magnanimous so all I can do is try to not think about it. Move forward, but the darkness follows and I'm pretty sure, as it always does, it will engulf me. Ha! if you're expecting me to write in a more hopeful tone, well I just don't have it in me, the Singapore me perhaps don't have it in her.

On a more interesting topic, I have been really enjoying The Luminaries by Eleanor Catton. The book is thick and it was daunting, but once I got over the first chapter, it was really good that I am hooked. The first chapter was a bit hard to read for me. It reminded me of the first chapter of the Harry Potter books. They were kinda boring, but once you get over it, you are drawn more and more. As the plot thickens, I do wish I have more time to read. I only read during the weekdays, for around 30 minutes after lunch, that's all the time I have. This book makes me wish I have more time. It's like watching something really good that you don't want to stop. All the while reading, I'm like watching it and I think it would make a really good TV series. I guess I can make more time, but bringing this heavy book around is not appealing to me. Right now I'm not even halfway, but I do recommend you to read this if you're looking for a book to read. Don't let the thickness deter you.

:) eKa @ 9:47:00 PM • 0 comments

Halfway into January 2019

So we're like more than halfway into this first month of 2019. How has it been going for you? Will it surprise you that it's going badly for me? I have so much frustration, anger, and (I'm going to admit this) hatred. Okay maybe dislike, but the dislike is not dissipating that I may as well be honest and say it's hatred. Annoying people stay annoying, maybe their new year's resolution is to put down other people more. Then something that I was hoping for didn't happen. In fact things are going much worse than last year. I just read my January 2018 post and damn the first paragraph last year was bad and this year is even worse. There's numbers to prove it. So really, there's evidence my life is not going well.

I'm starting 2019 shaken and again broken and there are days where I am in a state of disbelief. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Sometime I'm still quite in a daze about the shittiness that happens. I talked to mom about how I cannot let it go. The slightest thought about it would just get my blood boiling, like right now when I'm writing these lines. Really I have nothing positive to say. Though I know if you put it into perspective, my life is great and as I say often, some people perhaps may want my life. The thing is, while I see the perspective and despite of advices from mom, I'm just spiraling down and down into the darkness. Mom is saying that perhaps these are trying times, that I shouldn't hold on to anger, that I should let it go, but damn I'm just so pissed off. It makes me realized that purging hatred away from you is perhaps the hardest thing emotion wise that a person can do. I'm not doing good in that as you can read.

On a mundane note, finished reading book 0, The Tattooist of Auschwitz by Heather Morris. It tells the real life story of a Slovakian Jew who ended up as the tattooist of Auschwitz. I was reading that book as I'm getting further down in my dark hole and I can see how far blessed and wonderful my life is compared to the people who ended up in that concentration camp and yet I couldn't find my way to gratitude and happiness. I am a bad person. Anyways, I learnt new things reading the book. I have heard of Auschwitz before reading the book, but I have never heard of Birkenau which is part of the greater Auschwitz compound. Lale, the tattooist of Auschwitz in the book, often had to walk between the compounds and it was quite a distance. I didn't know that the Nazi also imprisoned non-Jews like the gypsy or Romani people. In the book Lale talked about a whole block of gypsy that shared his block were all killed in the crematorium - men, women, children. There will always be things that make no sense in the Nazi history. It's hard to believe that all the Nazi SS in the camp were on board with what's going on. Surely there's one or two who saw that all that is beyond wrong. Were they promptly killed too? Or I just haven't read or heard their story. Another thing that was strange to me in the whole scheme of things were how detailed the Nazi kept record of the people who came into the camp. So much effort. Names and dates of birth were typed in. What was the purpose I wonder. Though they didn't treat the prisoners humanely, on some level they did think these people matter enough to be recorded? It's strange. One big thing that I learnt that I didn't know before was that it's the Russian who liberated the camp. My holocaust knowledge is truly limited. I blame it on the fact that in schools we don't learn a lot about it here in Asia, Indonesia especially. Somehow because of the many war movies coming from America who put them as the heroes, I always thought it's the American. So it was the Russian and it seems they contributed a lot in fighting the Nazi. That's Russia in the right side of history.

The book has so much suffering in them, obviously that being the holocaust and all. The main character, Lale, survived and ended up with the love of his life who he tattooed at the camp. It felt like a miracle that they survived and were reunited after the difficulties that they still had to endure when they managed to leave the camps separately. So that's a happy ending for them and yet there are so many other people in the book that I wish I could learn more about their fates. There are definitely so many stories in Auschwitz - Birkenau. Each of the people there had a story, but sadly for so many of them we will never know what happened. Now the book that I am starting is The Luminaries by Eleanor Catton. It's a thick one and the chapters don't seem to have a lot of sections or separators, kinda make it hard to pause. Anyways as always, I wish you glorious days.

:) eKa @ 10:30:00 PM • 0 comments

2018 Book List

Hey guys, so somehow I exceeded my goal, I finished reading a 6th book this year, Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman. I wrote about it a bit in the previous post. It's about this girl who's alone. Though she's alone, she would argue that she's completely fine being on her own. Maybe that's some sort of defense mechanism us alone people do, saying we're fine and it's fine being alone. While I want to say that the alone-ness is something that I can relate too, I have to say that Eleanor really has it tough. She really has no one, no family, no friend, really no one and that kind of alone-ness and having to survive on her own, well that is something that I don't yet understand. Though I am super alone here in Singapore, I do have a family out there that can help me out if something bad happens to me. Outside my core family, I have extended family with aunts, uncles, and cousins who I have the belief would help me. Outside that, I know some people who I think would be kind enough to help me if I ask ... or beg. Eleanor had none of those, she really only had herself and reading her saying all that makes me realize that I am not fully alone, at least not as alone as she was, and for that I am lucky.

So Eleanor. There's an awkwardness about Eleanor, but she had a really bad childhood, so that contributes to her being socially awkward. One of the plot point that drives her story is her crush to a musician and that got me rolling my eyes. Another thing that drives her story is a new guy at work, Raymond. The guy said hi to her and one thing led to another, they ended up spending more time together and it's good for her. I remember thinking I know a guy who would just say hi randomly like Raymond and because of that randomness you do can end up as friends. Halfway through the book, I also realized I actually know a Raymond once. Like the Raymond in the book, the Raymond I know is also a tech guy. Physically they may look different, but I think they are as nice. Another person that played a big influence in Eleanor's life is her mother. As I progressed more in the book, I had my suspicion about the mother and my suspicion was kinda right. The ending of the book is a hopeful one and I'm glad that she's getting better days.

Reese Witherspoon bought the movie right to this and I kinda can picture her in the role, but perhaps she's too old for this? I was thinking Dakota Fanning but maybe she's too young? There's a kind of plainness about Eleanor so I don't know whom I would cast. Raymond would also be hard to cast too. Perhaps James Corden, but he's kinda too chirpy, so I don't know. I think I will watch the movie if it happens, but I don't know if it would manage to capture the story well. Movies based on books often have this problem.

So anyways, 6 books this year. 7 if you're counting the book I started last year.
  1. The Underground Railroad - Colson Whitehead
  2. Swamplandia! - Karen Russell
  3. Tinkers - Paul Harding
  4. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao - Junot Díaz
  5. The Narrow Road to the Deep North - Richard Flanagan
  6. Less - Andrew Sean Greer
  7. Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine - Gail Honeyman
I saw the list and I thought, man they all like have heavy tragic themes going on. Less is like the lightest. If I have to choose which one I like best, well it's hard because you feel for the characters, like Cora in The Underground Railroad, Ava in Swamplandia!, Oscar in The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, Eleanor in Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine; I even find Less somewhat endearing. If I have to choose, perhaps Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine and choosing that made me feel bad for Ava. Maybe it's just because it's the last book I read, I felt her the most right now. Eleanor, though she's not actually fine, was strong mentally to take care of herself. There were times reading her that I was thinking how is it that she survived for so long and didn't want to kill herself. She would say it's the vodka, but I think it takes a lot of strength to be able to go on in her existence. She has her failings, but all things considered, she's tough and that is commendable.

I have bought 3 books to read next. All the subject themes are kinda heavy too. I'm starting with The Tattooist of Auschwitz by Heather Morris. Yes from the title, it is a hard theme to end the year and start a new one with. It's a novel but based on real life events. Instead of an biography, the writer wrote about what happened to this man who ended up as the tattooist of Auschwitz as a novel. So it's not a fiction. You know, I don't really have a habit of reading non-fiction. Maybe because I do kinda keep up with the news? Anyways, this might be the only post this month and as such the last post of the year. If I don't write again, hope you have a good Christmas, a happy holiday, and a great start to the new year :)

:) eKa @ 9:20:00 PM • 0 comments

Dark Sanctuary

This November post comes earlier because I have some photos to share, but before we get there, let's talk about books first. Finished reading Less by Andrew Sean Greer. So we meet that 5 books a year goal, good job, pat own shoulder. As written before, Less won the 2018 Pulitzer Prize winner for Fiction. Compared to previous winner, it's very light. No one died :D I wonder if the judges were like tired with tragic stories that they changed direction this year. I enjoyed the book. The character, Less, though older that he is, has a lot of insecurity and awkwardness. To avoid the wedding of an ex-boyfriend and also to welcome being 50 and alone, he accepted different engagements and made plans that would make him travel all around the world. Towards the end of the book and his journey, it seems his restlessness and melancholy just grows and grows and since that's relatable, it's endearing. However as his "best friend" told him, he is very lucky and he has a happy ending though there were some sentences towards the end that made me think if he's gonna fall and die :D While I'm happy for him, somehow I think it's just a storybook ending. I wonder if people like me get lucky too.

So now book 6. I'm not sure if I'll finish it this year. I am currently reading Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman. When I started, it's about this girl who's alone, but in her own words is completely fine. The loneliness and isolation is something that I get, but then the girl has a massive crush on a guy and I started to roll my eyes. Really?!?! This is where we're going with this. I have to say there's an enviable pragmatism about the girl because she started planning on how to get the guy. So far from what I've been reading, she's just been stalking him in the internet :D Anyways I'm still early in the book but I have read enough to find out that the girl's history is complex and seems quite tragic. So there's more to her story. I hope she has her happiness at the end of the book.

On movies, I haven't been watching much. I did watch Bohemian Rhapsody and I just admire and adore Rami Malek so much. I enjoyed Bohemian Rhapsody, but it made me wonder how truthful the portrayal of Freddie Mercury is. He seems so out of this world in the movie, like unreal and I don't know how one functions in the real world being that way. It's all okay when you're famous and have the money because you're like in a different plane of existence, but what it's like when he's just common people. I don't know, I guess I don't have a lot of insight on how the person really is outside the performer's facade by movie end. It's still a good watch though. I also managed to watch A Star Is Born. I was on the fence about it and put it off for some time. The gloomy theme wasn't appealing for me, but then the reviews are really good so I relented and watched it. The music was good. Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga were great. Lady Gaga is really talented. The movie is not bad, but it is rather gloomy.

This week, I also managed to go to the Future World Exhibition at ArtScience Museum. This exhibition has been around for awhile. It was first brought to my attention when my friend, Dewi, was coming to Singapore with her family, last year I think. I didn't think much of it then thinking it's not that interesting and she didn't end up visiting it either. Somehow it stayed with me and I grew to be interested and off I went. I can only describe the exhibition as a technology based installation art exhibition. Ticket price is S$ 19, but googling led me to Voyagin. Never heard of it before, but I managed to get the ticket for S$ 13 there, which is such a good deal especially because I think since the exhibition is not very big, S$ 19 is kinda steep. So here are pictures from the different sections of the exhibition. First is this wall that shows pretty flowers and such representing Nature.

After that, the room opens up to a bigger area where there's a small slide. As you slide down, if you hit the projected watermelon on the slide, the watermelon will explode so it's kinda fun to watch. Next to the slide section, there are tables which shows cute characters moving around. On the tables are small saucers and cups. After some time, a slice of cake or strawberry will be projected on the saucers and if you move them, the cake or strawberry would kinda explode and the cute characters get more active. There are also touch screens where you can draw lines and tap to make smiley faces rain down. Kids did seem to enjoy this area. There's also a section where you can colour some vehicles and animals and scan these and they will appear on the big screens. I coloured a flower, but I didn't see it appear when I scanned it. On the second big screen, I coloured a bear and it did appear. So there's a lot of these big screens all around and there's some sort of interactivity with them.

One of the big screen show these Japanese characters falling down or it could also be Chinese. My Japanese Kanji knowledge is so bad, I only recognized characters for things like rain, mountain, and earth. Anyways when you touch the character, then what it represents will appear. For example rain will appear when you hit rain, and mountains will appear when you hit mountain. The screen is big and with different people hitting the characters and the different combination, you kinda built your own art collaboratively. I really like how beautiful the imagery that appeared were. I googled it and this art work is called: What a Loving, and Beautiful World.

Before I move to the last section, I want to talk a bit about the Sanctuary section. It's called Sanctuary but when I stepped inside I didn't feel comforted. The imagery is not pretty. There's a lot of black and at one point in one of the walls, a black hole appeared and I started to think that this is like my head with all it's restlessness and anxiety. It's kinda ironic that if your head supposes to be your sanctuary, well you wouldn't want to be in my head too much. It's kinda too disturbing for my comfort but in a way I was appreciative I guess, because though it made me feel my dark corners, my dark corners are just me and what I have.

The last part is a small section called Crystal Universe and it's beautiful. It's basically strings and strings of LED lights and they change colours. It really is beautiful and calming. I can sit there for a long time and just watch them change colours. This or the big screen with Japanese characters would be my idea of sanctuary.

Alright, for pictures from the exhibition, please go here.

:) eKa @ 10:29:00 PM • 0 comments

Plane Talk

I went home last weekend. Spent a few days until Wednesday. It was good, sat myself silly in front of the tv, did things with mom. Mom cooked things. She even made the chicken soup I adore twice. Though short, it was a good break, much needed especially if you have been reading the posts in these past months. Mom been saying that I should just go home whenever there's small pocket of breaks or a long weekend, especially since I get stuck in my head so much and be all sad and depressed. The thing is I have class on a Saturday so that pretty much makes it hard for me to go, but last weekend there's a break and off I went. While being at home is good, since I was unproductive, there's nothing much to say really. It was insanely - I'm gonna faint - hot. I watched tv, I ate. Basically that's all.

What's more interesting was perhaps the plane right back to Singapore. The plane wasn't that full and in my row there's just me and a guy from the UK. Somehow we started talking and I thought it would just be small talk, but it turned out to be quite a lengthy conversation that took place most of the flight. I can't say I enjoyed it much because I just wanted to be quiet, but he kept on talking so I tried to be polite. I was thinking perhaps he has not been talking English much and having the opportunity to talk to someone who could understand him, well it's like a release. So this is his story.

He's going to Singapore because on a tourist visa you can only stay in Indonesia for 30 days and he's kinda permanently in Indonesia right now because he's engaged to an Indonesian lady. He showed me his engagement ring, don't ask me how come a guy has an engagement ring, I don't know, maybe it's some sort of weird uncommon Indonesian thing? At this point, if you're thinking TLC's 90 Day Fiancé, so was I. I was like, good God!!! Pretty much the reaction I got every time I caught parts of TLC's 90 Day Fiancé. Why do those people do that? They get paid to be on the show right, how much do you think they get to air their stupidity and insanity? Are there any successful couple from that show? Anyways this guy, he's been making the trip to Singapore twice now, in which he just stays the night and returns to Indonesia the next day and restart his entry from day 1 again. I was thinking who this lady is and in my head I just assumed she's a muslim and this guy would have to convert, all the while also thinking perhaps he's already a muslim. He told me that he just has a conviction in his heart hence he's willing to do all this, the kind of talk that religious people do. Unsurprisingly he met the girl from the Internet. I asked how long the process was, thinking maybe a year since they first met on the Internet. He said it's very fast. Shockingly fast for me. They like talked for a week or so, then the girl asked his intention and if he would be interested in marriage. He talked about it with God and then he flew to Indonesia and once arrived, it went so well that they're like okay let's do this. He's been in Indonesia for 2 months now. Are you rolling your eyes? I was though not visibly at that time.

After much talk, I found out that he's a Christian and the girl is too and it was a Christian dating site. Indonesia's bureaucracy is a nightmare, a real bureaucrazy so to speak. To get a permanent resident status, the paper work is just hard and to get married, they need to go through the Church counselling thing and both have to attend the church for 6 months at least. The guy apparently has been doing evangelizing works and feels strongly that this is from God. It feels perfect for him. They're both from the same denomination and I guess they value the same thing. Both have had histories of fail relationships; the lady had a 9-year relationship with another caucasian that didn't work out; he had fail relationship with a Philippina lady previously. I wonder if he sensed my apprehension and hence felt the need to fill in more blanks for me, somewhat to convince me or to perhaps evangelize as well in the process that God works in wondrous ways. I don't know, I really just wanted be quiet with my own thoughts. Many times I wanted to respond with, praise be, but I wonder if it would sound rude and I managed to keep my tongue. Well you would understand why it can sound rude if you watch The Handmaid's Tale in which the phrase is often said sarcastically or in mockery by the handmaids. It is sad though that such nice phrase now also has a bad connotation.

Being someone without love since like forever, I was surprised I wasn't a hopeless romantic and rooting for their magical or perhaps in his words, blessed relationship. By the end of the flight, I can't say that I'm like convinced that they are meant to be. I just don't know. However as a believer in God, if they are to have a chance to really work, then it must be because of God. That's the only possible reason. So if as he said he heard God, then perhaps this could actually work out. I don't know how one hears God. It works differently for different people I guess. I just wonder how you can be sure it's God and not just your irrational head telling you things. The guy said God answered him by posing another question. I guess if you have a close relationship with God, then you hear Him better. I'm not that close I guess. I obviously sin quite a lot. You know now that I am back in Singapore, it's so fast, perhaps within hours that I felt the despair, the restlessness, the wanting to leave. That guy is brave to uproot himself to a totally different country and as much as I pray to exit this life, I do wonder that I am perhaps not that brave to just leave and take the leap to the unknown. At the end of the flight I said good luck to the guy. He said it's better not say luck, because there's good and bad luck and it's like it's by chance. It's better to say, God bless. Yeah he's that kind of Christian. May God bless him and the lady. May God bless you and I hope God bless me with understanding and strength.

:) eKa @ 12:46:00 PM • 0 comments

September Books

I finished reading the 4th book of this year, The Narrow Road to the Deep North by Richard Flanagan and by the look of it, it seems likely now that I'm gonna finish 5 books this year since the current book I'm reading is not very thick. The Narrow Road to the Deep North tells the story of Australian prisoners of war under Japanese occupation who were tasked to built railroad in Burma back in WWII. As an Indonesian who grew up in Indonesia, during history lessons back in school when I was a young'un, my curriculum back then (as I recall) only talked about Japanese occupation in Indonesia, in which we were taught of the Japanese word rōmusha which means forced labourers. It was only in my adulthood that I realized these forced labourers were also something that the Japanese did in other parts in South East Asia during WWII. One movie that deals with this event is Colin Firth's The Railway Man. That movie was based on a true story in which Colin Firth's character was forced to work on the railway in Burma too.

At the beginning I thought The Narrow Road to the Deep North would be about a love story, but it's actually not the main part of the story. The main story is really about the war and its aftermath. It gives detailed description of what it's like to be prisoners of war, the condition they're in. There is not just one word or enough words that can encapsulate how hard life was for the POWs. They didn't have decent or enough food, medicine, shelters. Most were naked because their clothes were worn out. They didn't have adequate tools to do the job of clearing the jungle and breaking rocks for the railroad. They had to work when they're sick and of course punishments were severe. It's really heartbreaking, there's so much suffering and honest to God, I don't know if I can survive that. It was such a traumatic experience and the book also tells the story of how it's like for the surviving POWs after the war. I was also pleasantly surprised that the book also tells the story of the Japanese officers and other staff after the war. One of the staff was actually just a young Korean boy recruited by the Japanese to guard the POWs. In my head, I often pictured the men as men, but many of them were just young boys. I wasn't having good days (still don't) when I was reading this book and reading how tough it was for the POWs, it's like God is trying to give me perspective and telling me to tone down my complaining because seriously I wasn't having it as hard as compared to these POWs. That being said, I still don't do well with my self-pity.

So right now I an reading Less by Andrew Sean Greer, it's the 2018 Pulitzer Prize winner for Fiction. This would make it perhaps the first time since I've started reading Pulitzer Prize winners for Fiction that I'm doing it in the year that it wins. Usually I started late in the year and it crossed to the next year. Less is quite light in topic, considering the story winners of years past have told. I've only started reading the winners from 2013 and there's always some tragedy in the story. I don't know yet if anyone is going to die in Less but so far I like it and I welcome the levity. It's about a guy who's avoiding the wedding of an ex-boyfriend that as an excuse he planned it in such a way that he would be travelling to several countries during the period the wedding was to take place. He's approaching 50, single, and there's a certain I don't know how to do life feel with him which I find endearing because of course it's something that I deal with constantly. There's these lines in the book that I can relate to.

What had Freddy meant, "the bravest person I know"? For Less, it is a mystery. Name a day, name an hour, in which Arthur Less was not afraid. Of ordering a cocktail, taking a taxi, teaching a class, writing a book. Afraid of these and almost everything else in the world. Strange, though; because he is afraid of everything, nothing is harder than anything else. Taking a trip around the world is no more terrifying than buying a stick of gum. The daily dose of courage.

As I googled that so that I can copy and paste rather than typing the words from the book, I saw several people are quoting that too in their blogs or what have you. You know, what you feel is never a unique experience in this world of many humans and yet why do many of us feel so alone? I'm not the only one who get that sentiment above. Freddy is right though, Less is brave because bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is marching on though you're afraid. That daily dose of courage is why he is so brave.

If The Narrow Road to the Deep North is like God trying to tell me that I am not suffering, Less feels like God telling me there are many others who are not figuring it out either like you do. I hope Less has a satisfying ending for me. Some people would argue, why don't you just go to church or something like that to hear what God really wants to tell you rather than searching for signs or being desperate for signs that you're like making out things in things that perhaps mean nothing at all? I don't know. Desperate people clings to everything I guess. There's this line from The Narrow Road to the Deep North that I find to be so true.

To have been part of a Pharaonic slave system that had at its apex a divine sun king led him to understand unreality as the greatest force in life.

If you think about it, it is so true. Hope for better days are the driving force of many people in this world. At the base of of hope is something that is not real yet, unreality.

:) eKa @ 9:30:00 PM • 0 comments

Snowballed Resentment

I have nothing to write actually. Really nothing. I mean if I have to, I would end up writing depressing stuff, about my life, about the state of Indonesia maybe. I mean Indonesia is not so bad if you're looking at Asian Games right now. The opening ceremony got me quite sentimental and nationalistic, but if you're looking at who our current president picked for his running mate for the next election or how recent happenings in Indonesia (case in point: another blasphemy case #meiliana) again show how intolerance is encroaching on the rights and freedom of us the non-muslims minority, making us feel like we don't matter; well I'm just heartbroken and losing hope.

On a personal level, things suck and they've been getting suckier and suckier and I just get angrier, sadder, and more frustrated. I would describe it like the title of this post, snowballed resentment. I just couldn't lift myself up. I couldn't see the light. Told mom about yet another thing that is getting me really down and how I am losing any interest to live. Yeah that sounds bad. Mom was like don't say such things for God will be angry. Yes I know and knowing that, understanding that my life is blessed and there are millions who perhaps would want my life and yet I'm so sad and depressed, understanding how I'm ungrateful I am, well that just gets me more depressed.

I was thinking that if someone is really hating the life they live, they should try to end it by changing it. I want this life to end, but currently I have no idea or plan on what to change it with. Am I ready to walk out without a next destination to go towards to? If only I am braver. If only I'm not that traumatized. If only my faith is that strong to believe that leap and the net will appear. I don't know. I don't even know how to begin. Taking the plunge scares me but staying put may slowly kill me. There's always something wrong with my body and I know my soul is dying :(

So how about that, super depressing right. That's pretty much what I have right now. So what's the point of writing this? Well it's just to fill the required at least one post a month. Hope your days are more glorious.

:) eKa @ 10:00:00 PM • 0 comments

Not Copacetic

The last time I wrote about a book I finished reading, I wrote that I had been going rather slow and keeping in schedule would be rather hard. Now that it's July and we've officially passed the halfway mark of this year, I think it's quite possible we may not complete the 5 books a year goal. I'm trying, but I don't know. Since the last time I wrote about a book I finished reading, I have finished 2 other books, so that's book 2 and 3 this year.

Book 2 was Tinkers by Paul Harding. It's the 2010 Pulitzer Prize winner for Fiction. It's quite a thin book and yet I think I spent too much time on it. First page of the book straight away deals with death. A man was dying and the book progressed alternatively with his dying hours and the story of his father. Along the way, there were short articles about clocks, particularly antique clocks that the man had a big interest in and was good at repairing and also paragraphs on different kind of borealis. I know aurora borealis but all these other borealis in the book, I don't know any of them and I'm not even sure if they're real. Reading those felt to me like the dying man who couldn't be sure if what he's feeling was real. Overall it was quite an interesting book and I do like the sentences being written, the details in each scene, but I can't say I'm particularly fond of it. Maybe I'm not smart enough to fully capture all the symbolism and meanings? The ending left me wanting more but it just stopped there and I had so many questions so there was a bit of a disappointment it ended the way it ended but I guess in life sometime we don't get the answer we want and that's just the way it is.

Book 3 was The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Díaz. This one is the 2008 Pulitzer Prize winner for Fiction. Okay before I talk about the book, let's just talk a bit on why I chose this book. I got the book before I heard of the sexual abuse allegations on the author. So far it seems he's been cleared of any wrongdoings, but I got to say if I had known beforehand, I may not have gotten this book. I got this book because someone I know who knows I read, asked me if I went to Singapore Writers Festival last year and saw Junot Díaz. I didn't actually know there's such a thing as a Singapore Writers Festival and didn't know who Junot Díaz was :D So of course I googled him and ended up getting his book. All this happened before I heard about the allegations, but I did start reading the book after hearing the news because what else was I supposed to do? Leave the book unread? You know after the many #MeToo news involving famous people started to come out, there's that discussion and question if you can still or should still watch or in this case read works by the people involved in these allegations. To each his own I guess, but I think what these people have done will colour your perception on their works no matter what. Like if I watch any of Bill Cosby's shows right now, I'd be like, man here you were playing a good father but in real life you're so awful. A shame really because I think I really enjoyed his shows when I was young. These men, really, God damn it. Why do they have to be such an ass? The stories that have come out of course differ in their severity between the men, but the really bad obnoxious ones, I really think they should just go away.

Okay back to the book. I actually quite enjoyed The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. With a title like that, of course you know Oscar would die and it's like a theme running from Tinker which is death. I didn't plan it that way. I didn't know what Tinker was about when I got the book. The cover of The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao that I have features a young preteen boy so I felt rather sad and was hoping that the death wouldn't be literal. Oscar lived longer, but it still happened. Anyways, I think to truly enjoy The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, you need to know Spanish and have a good knowledge on comics and the fantasy genre of books. Both things I do not have. I really wished I had known Spanish when reading this book. I felt like I was missing out because I don't understand Spanish and some of the comic books or anime references. The title of this post uses a word that Oscar said (I think twice) in the book, copacetic. A word which I have come to really like. I didn't know the meaning of it when I read it for the first time and somehow I couldn't remember its meaning that I had to google it again when the word appeared the second time to really put it into memory. I don't know why it was hard for me to remember its meaning the first time even though I was already intrigued. I just remembered it as being not pathetic. Its actual meaning according to google is, in excellent order. That's what Oscar would say about himself. He's such a poor fellow. I don't know if I would call his brief life wondrous. He's what you would call a loser and I was hoping for so much more for him. I guess as a fellow someone who thinks she's stuck in life and gets depressed often, I do have a lot of sympathy for Oscar. I want more for him, but just like him I wouldn't know what to do either to remedy his situation. It got me thinking that successful people who always say things like you should get up and make things happen, I think they wouldn't have much patience with Oscar and they would just let him / people like us to just die in our wallowing self pity. I think sometime people who get their lives figured out can't relate to that stuck feeling we have and they can be so not sympathetic. When you're stuck in that deep dark hole without any clue on how to get out or even an understanding of the possibility of getting out, no matter how many times you hear U2's Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of, you just can't unstuck yourself :( Anyways, the book doesn't tell Oscar's story alone. In fact I think if you condense his story, it's quite short and as I said not very wondrous. The other story in the book is about the people in Oscar's life. Along the way, I got to learn a bit about the history of The Dominican Republic. I'm not sure how much of it would stick in memory, but it's good to get to learn something that I wouldn't seek on my own.

Now I am reading The Narrow Road to the Deep North by Richard Flanagan. I've actually seen this book quite a few times, but always ended up deciding not to get it because its topic about POWs (Prisoner of Wars) seemed to be a bit heavy somehow to follow up whatever book I was reading at that time. Then one time, on the rare occasion that I took the train to go somewhere, I saw this kinda handsome guy standing next to me reading it. I was like, is it fate? Yeah it's a silly reason, but I eventually got the book. I actually got 3 books (simply to avoid delivery cost from Kinokuniya) to read next including this year's Pulitzer Prize winner for Fiction. I decided to read The Narrow Road to the Deep North first because though The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao has its own share of tortures and deaths, I thought it still has its light comical moments and I think I'm not that drained to tackle a war story. So far I can't say much about The Narrow Road to the Deep North. I'm still quite at the beginning.

Back to being not copacetic. Well truly I am not copacetic. The days have been rough. I've been in uncomfortable, annoying, frustrating situations. One time I was truly pissed, but I disappointed myself for not being able to come out with strong rebuttals on the spot. I went quiet. At that point I was thinking I was like a powder keg going to explode, but thankfully I didn't go on screaming and throwing stuff. That made me then wonder if I was going to cry. Thankfully I didn't do that either. I ask God to help me survive, but I don't know why I should be surviving. What's the point of it all? As I say, when you're down in that deep hole, it's dark in there. There's another bigger thing that gets me quite worried. This one is real and I am quite scared. I'm not ready to write about it here, so let me just end this post here. Hope you guys are having glorious days.

:) eKa @ 9:00:00 PM • 0 comments

Day 9 - Around Keukenhof

sometimes people will treat you like a worn out shoe
but they don't know that you can't lose
come and be a winner

Come And Be A Winner - Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings

Somehow I started writing about this trip with day 0, so this last post about the trip will be day 9 or day 10 if you're counting from 1. It was my last day, I was flying back to Singapore that day. Took the bus again to Seville airport, luckily I didn't have to wait too long and get all worried that I would be late. It wasn't a long trip to the airport. I was transiting in Amsterdam and I know last year I wrote about not gonna chase visiting Keukenhof again, but I went there again. I had something that I wanted to do. I wanted to cycle around and look at the tulip fields.

Flying to Schiphol was uneventful. Good lord I can't remember if I was sitting at the aisle or the window and whom I sat with. I remember there were 3 rich Indonesian ladies on the flight though. They wore expensive things and when checking in had big luggages. I didn't say "Hi" to them because I think I'm too lowly for the rich them. Anyways, when I exited Schiphol I saw this cafe / restaurant that sells Indonesian food but the Dutch version of it. I was so curious and wondered if I should eat because I did feel a bit hungry. I looked at the food and in the end I wasn't feeling it. It didn't look correct to me. Even from the rice, it seemed wrong that it's basmati rice. What, they cannot find any South East Asian rice? No Thai rice? If there's anything that I was really interested in, it was the pork sate / satay. In the end I was thinking no because wrong Indonesian food will just make me sad. Then I went to a convenient store to get water and they happened to sell pastry too. The first time I landed in Amsterdam years ago, I was so delighted that the Dutch just speaks English well and in that store being able to ask what's in the pastry and having the staff in the counter said "Have a good day", I was just reminded of that feeling of being happy that they all speak English :) The pastry I had just had cheese inside it. It was pretty good and I ate it while walking all the way to arrival 4 which was quite a walk. It was where the bus to Keukenhof is. Previously I always booked tickets online which include admission to the garden and a round trip on the bus. However, this time I hadn't booked any ticket. I have to say I had some apprehension if I should really cycle around because as usual I worry about my ability to not get hurt or hurt other people in the process. In the end I decided to toughen it up and really cycle around. So I just bought the bus tickets from the stall near the queue for the bus. There was quite a queue, but not to worry, bus to Keukenhof departs frequently.

Arriving in the park, I found the free lockers section and I stored all my valuable inside. Next to it, they have bigger space with staff and I saw some people used it to store luggages and other big things. Then I made my way to the bicycle rental. There wasn't much of a queue, but there's only 1 staff at the counter and she had to explained the route to each customer, so it was quite a wait. The bicycle rental cost 10 euro for the whole day. The OCD studious me had studied the route and I had expectation of making it up to the sea - too high of an expectation unmatched by my physical ability and navigation skill. Anyway after paying, I went to get the bicycle. First thing I said to the guy was that I'm short and needed something low. The handsome and I think very young guy gave me their standard orange bike thinking I'd be alright. I tried and nope, I couldn't pull myself up. I blame the wind but it could also be that it's indeed too high for me or it could also be that I plainly sucked. He got me another bike, a black one, and that worked for me though my feet still couldn't touch the ground when I sat. I thought okay let's just get out of here to avoid more embarrassment. I was already embarrassed with my unskillfulness. I wonder if he thought this girl was not going to make it. He taught me how to lock the bike and off I went.

The route was marked but sometimes the signs were kinda small that I had times where I wondered if I missed any signs. All the bicycle paths are dedicated. I cycled and cycled and before long I was thinking, man this is harder than I thought it would be. Seriously I thought, why is this harder, harder than when I went cycling with dad in Taiwan last year. At first there were people renting the same bicycles with me and I tried to follow them, but at some points I think we diverged and I found myself alone. Worried I was, but I thought I was in the right path. The disappointing thing was that there's no tulip field :( I saw ponies on what looked like just a normal house garden but no tulip field.

I was getting disappointed and started to wonder if I was in the wrong path. I think I was right though, but there's just nothing. Eventually I found a small field with tulips of the same colours and stopped awhile and took pictures of them. I had to admit that I was hesitant about just parking and walk around, I was afraid that the owner would get angry and chase me away. However there's no one there. That being said I did haste a bit in taking the pictures. The tulips here are in bright colours and the strong wind kinda made them all bend. I love how the colours come out in this picture. Didn't have to do any editing at all.

It was kinda sad not finding more tulip fields :( I was earlier on visiting Keukenhof than last year, but even on the 1st of May, many of the tulips were already gone from the fields. Eventually I saw a bigger field with tulips of many colours. I saw that there were some bikes from the bicycle rentals and there were quite a number of people walking on the fields, so I felt better about doing the same. There was a freaking drone though when I was there and the buzzing sound annoyed me. I wonder if the drone was just taking footages or it was really there to buzz and annoy people and stop them from walking too deep. In the end luckily it went away. Here's some pictures from the fields. There's a canal by this field and across the canal, there's a field of what I think is daffodils. As for the tulips, I particularly like the section where it seemed that they're still quite early in their bloom that their petals are still small and together. Against the many green of their stalk, it just looked pretty to me.

After that I cycled again. Couldn't find anymore field and before I knew it I was back at Keukenhof. Took a bit of a detour before returning the bicycle to take some pictures of a small tulip field nearby, but this was gated so I couldn't walk in.

After that I returned the bicycle. So in the end, I didn't make it to the sea. I wonder if it's really far. All in all, I think I spent around 3 hours cycling. Before I got on the bus to leave I took some pictures at the flower beds in front of Keukenhof's entrance. The tulips were in many different colours and they looked so pretty being different. For pictures from this trip, please go here. Dare I say that I will not chase Keukenhof again? I don't know, if the time is right and I have a substantial transit time in Schiphol, what you're gonna do, better spend it looking at beautiful flowers right?

The flight home was full so I was sad finding out I couldn't get a row for my own, but I made it back in one piece and for that I'm thankful. I had a really really really good trip and I am thankful to God. It never ceases to amaze me that I managed to do another trip unscathed. I do have very little confidence on myself and so I attribute God for everything and that all went well. Life back here straight away pulls me back down the black hole :( I had a health check quite immediate after I came back - that's the only appointment date I could get. Surprisingly I'm okay. No diabetes, something that I'm worried about. However my blood pressure at that time fell into pre-hypertension. My excuse for that was that I was getting anxious because it was taking too long, I was getting hungry, and I was getting late for class. I'm supposed to go to a doctor to really get it checked, but I haven't done so. I think I'm really just not good with stress, really don't. The thing is I have stress in life, too much than I would like to have and suffice to say these get me all moody and sad. I can't even be fully excited and happy about this long weekend *sigh* I do hope you guys are having better days.

:) eKa @ 12:02:00 PM • 0 comments