What Happens If Your Life is Following a Pattern?

It's the last day of September and I haven't written any post, so this is the September post.

If I had written some weeks back, the title might be Movies, Then and Now in which I would write about movies that I watched recently which are not many. The last movies that I watched in the cinema are the Tom Cruise's movie, American Made and Logan Lucky. I just really couldn't watch sequels much these days. Very often I couldn't even bring myself to watch their trailers. So American Made was good for me because at least it's a new story. It's based on real events. Was it entertaining? Well, somewhat. What I really really enjoyed is Logan Lucky. It's like the redneck Ocean's 11 or perhaps as the movie likes to call itself, it's Ocean's 711. There's Channing Tatum, Adam Driver, and Daniel Craig. Adam Driver is growing on me now. When I first got to know him in Girls, I didn't like his character much, though to be fair, all the characters in Girls are hard to like for me. Daniel Craig was such a good actor, he's really good in this. He's James Bond and being a redneck is so far from Bond's sophistication and yet he played it so entertainingly. For it's comparison to Ocean's 11, Logan Lucky feels like it has more heart. Well the motive of the heist itself is family so off the bat it just makes you sympathetic. Their silliness helps too. After watching this, Ocean's 11 feel pretentious and more like a snob for me. So anyway it's really good and since it's that good, I think a sequel is a possibility. Though I complain about sequels, I may watch this one. On other movies that I watched, I managed to watch older movies that I haven't watched before. I watched The Color Purple which is really exceptional. A much younger Whoopi Goldberg was in it and she was so different. I've never seen her being that vulnerable, it was captivating. Oprah Winfrey was in it too and she too was so different in it. There's also the younger actresses who were in the first part of the movie and they too were amazing, especially when they did the sad separation scene. I was thinking I haven't seen such intense scene in any of the movies these days. It was so good. I felt rather inappropriate to say I like this movie because the story is actually really really sad. It has a happy hopeful ending though so perhaps it makes up for all the suffering? I don't know. The bad things were just too much. Last week I also watched Driving Miss Daisy. Morgan Freeman was in it. Story wise, I couldn't say I like how things went down, but it's still quite a good movie.

Why have I been watching movies with African American theme in it especially in a time when they're still segregated? I don't know. Perhaps subconsciously I just gravitated towards them after I finished my 4th book of the year, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou. After reading the book, I didn't understand why the caged bird sings though, it's not mentioned in the book at all, I had to google it out. Anyways, it's really good though there were some really sad parts. It's autobiographical of Maya Angelou's life but this book is just the first part, there are other books for the years after. I am curious to read the rests, but I don't know if it'll be soon or ever, we'll see. Currently I am reading The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco. In English, not Italian. I'm sure my Italian is not enough to read this in its original language. Even in English I, as with all the other books I'd read, I often find words that I don't know the meaning of. Sometime I remember to check it in the dictionary, but most often I just ignore it. Sometime, reading all these books do make me wonder how good I really am in English because there were moments when I read a sentence and I had to read it over and over to try to understand what it means. Sometime I asked myself if what I understand is correct. Anyways I think I will try to watch the movie version of The Name of the Rose after I finish the book.

So the title of the post, What happens if your life is following a pattern? Will you be more prepared because you've seen it before and so you know what's gonna come or will you be in despair because this is it and so what's the point of going down this road again and again. I got to thinking about this after someone told me something bad happened to him this week. No one died and it's not life threatening but it's bad and I got sad hearing it. How I got to thinking about pattern is because (I don't think I have told you this) on August, I passed a 5-year milestone. It's quite unimaginable really. The last time I passed a 5-year milestone, I survived / endured / inflicted suffering to myself for just another year. I got to thinking about that last time, about what happened between year 5 and 6 and I wonder if similar things will be happening too or already happening - things like changes beyond my control, changes made by others which will affect me in a bad way, closest people (in the literal sense) leaving me. All these make me quite worried. If this is happening again and I only have around 1 year to go, I don't know if I really want to go down this road again, but as always with things in life, I don't know what to do and I lack the courage to just leave everything and figure something out after. Just like in the last post, I guess I am still in my down in the darkness mood (when have I ever got out really?). There's many days this week when my anxiety was quite overwhelming for me. I really wish I don't feel this way.

Okay, lastly before I end this post, just wanna illustrate how anti social I am. Yesterday I went out for dinner with my Japanese sensei and the classmates. Honestly I was swinging if I should go or not, but in the end I did because I didn't have a good enough reason as to why not and they have been so nice for inviting me and also I understand that I need to socialize. It was dinner then coffee / ice chocolate and cakes. Honestly after I dinner I wanted to just go back but I couldn't use the excuse I have class tomorrow since my sensei and classmates were all there. I guess part of it is that I think I just have a limit to the amount of time I can socialize and perhaps another part is because I'm old now that I just wanted to go back to my room quick and chill. I stuck it through it all though because again they're really nice and I ended up going back at around 10:20-ish in which I was stunned to find the train was packed like it's rush hour time. Reached my room at around 11 pm. Can't remember the last time I went out this late, I guess it's way back when I was 20 something.

:) eKa @ 5:25:00 PM •

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