The 5th

The moths outside on the porch are waiting for me
to flip the switch by the door and set them free
and return them, back to the night
searching through the city lights
I know you can't hear it
Dusty wing spirit ride over my head
Somebody's looking down on me
Somebody's looking down on me ...

Dusty Wing Spirit - Adam Torres

This post is composed over several days due to the fact that I don't have much time to write it all in one go and this is caused by my inability to really just sit down and do something from beginning to end. Really it's a deadly habit I've been having these days. I get distracted with things and then find myself running out of time to do the important things. My discipline level has gone really bad. So anyways, this post began with the song Dusty Wing Spirit by Adam Torres who for some reason doesn't have the song lyric on any of the song lyric site online. He's not famous enough? I guess, because I didn't know who he is either. The video clip is rather dark and strange. The second part of the song actually fits this post really well, but I think it might be bad luck if I put it here, so I choose the first part of the song which I thought was very nicely written. This song is part of a playlist I made. The playlist has quite a few of Hozier's songs too which I really love and I did have a hard time choosing a song to start this post, which in a way can be seen as post 0. I didn't choose any of Hozier because again some of the lyrics read like a bad luck if I put it here in light of what I am about to do, but I'll definitely choose his songs on later posts because he really wrote beautiful lyrics.

You see guys, I reckon I'll be posting this on Saturday (May 21st) which means in a few hours I'll be starting on my yearly travel. This year is to the United Kingdom and it's my 5th time travelling alone. It's kind of a milestone hitting 5, though I realized that I actually have traveled to foreign countries alone more than 5 times. My first trip to Singapore which was my first trip out of Indonesia ever was alone too, but I'm not counting instances such as that. I counted the number of times I was alone travelling to countries I've never been before to discover things and myself and have fun. The discovering myself part is overrated I guess. I mean it's hard listing down what I have learned on all my travel alone. I just know somehow it changes me, maybe not a lot, maybe a lot, I don't know. I want to say I have that confidence in me that I can always find my way and be able to take care of myself, but as the past few months have shown whenever the thoughts about this trip came to my head, I am often gripped by a big sense of nervousness.

You would think that after all the places I've been on my own alone and after going to USA last year alone (the farthest I've been), I'll be like all cool like a cucumber (why cucumber people? I don't get it). No, I'm still swinging. There were days where I was like, I'm so ready to go, I can go now. Then there were days where I was like, have you figured out this and that, what if this and that happens, what if something is much further than what google maps show, what if you don't know something, all that running through my head and gave me anxiety. Earlier in the planning process, I was thinking what if I'm in the middle of a terrorist attack, pretty much the same fear like last year going to USA, what with the talk after Paris attack that London is an ISIS target :( darn terrorists! I can only hope all will be okay, lots of prayer for sure. Right now (Thursday morning), I am still anxious, but there's also that certain feeling of surrender (pasrah in Indonesian) that have started to creep in. I know I'll feel more of this on the taxi ride to Changi. It would be like, it's go time, ready or not we're gonna go through this. Another feeling that I was also having was the sadness knowing that just as I start, the end is coming and I know this trip gonna go by pretty quick. When it's over, I know I will be so sad about coming back to real life. All the different emotions. I'm for sure not cool as a cucumber :P

So far I have to say things have fallen quite into places even though there were moments where I was rather frustrated planning this trip. I prayed so that God help me make good decision and there were moments where I really felt like He's showing me the way to go. Talking duration wise, it's perhaps the longest planning process compared to my previous trips. I booked the hotels last year when it was just a thought and no final decision was made and then I only exchanged money this week. So throughout it's been months. Here I am, going to a new country. I do feel blessed with all this opportunity I have to explore the places I've been, but I have been thinking that I have been taking it easy. South America and Africa are definitely places I want to go and yet I don't have the courage to go at it. I'm not counting on going with people anymore because as it's shown over and over when it's time to really do it, people back out and it's really disappointing. Seriously I really feel like I'm done asking people. People should ask me and they should come up with the concrete plan.

So anyways, today (Saturday) being a public holiday, I have no class. I don't know why Vesak (Waisak in Indonesian) always differs 1 day between Singapore and Indonesia. I did my ritual of praying before a trip this morning. Tried to take a nap and I couldn't really. Bags are packed and locked. Gonna call my parents now and off to the airport. Each time it's been alright and yet I am still worried. I don't know if I annoy God by asking over and over to make it alright. I guess it shows my lack of faith. Anyways, first stop would be Edinburgh where I'll spend a few days and then it's London. I will definitely write about it when I come back. Ciao for now everyone. Hope all is well with you guys.

:) eKa @ 7:47:00 PM •

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