Saturday, March 17, 2012
Hello peeps. It's been awhile since I last wrote. Well, I've kinda been sick both physically and mentally. I had another bad flu attack. It was really bad and it took sometime for me to be okay. I had so many drugs that at one point I was calculating the timing of taking them wrongly so I got the dosage wrong. I'm not sure if I'm fully well now. After somewhat surviving the flu, around a week later which was last week, I had a day when I suddenly just had a fever. I went through the entire day feeling really cold while my body was rising in temperature. It was really really bad that I was totally thankful that I could make it back to my room in 1 piece. At that time, I could feel that even my balance was off and it was like my soul and body were not aligned. I was really worried that I would just collapse and faint on the road. So I'm truly thankful to God for bringing me back to my room safely. I had the usual dose of panadol and it did get a bit better, then it got worse again, I found myself waking up at 2.45 am with rising temperature and ache all over my body that I had to force myself to get up and take some panadol again. What followed in the days after was headaches and all. Suffice to say, I was not having the best of time and that truly brought me down mentally. I began to wonder if anything is wrong with me, what's with all this sickness. I'm just tired and I just want to stop and that is something that I didn't do, stopping.
So anyway, I think mom got worried and perhaps that caused her to have such an uneasy dream about me. When she told me, I did think, okay what now? what else? what other misfortune to befall upon me?!?! But I suppose such things are better to be let off in their own realm and we shouldn't think too much about it or make any sense about something which is nothing. With all my sickness, mom still asked me today if I'm okay. Well, I'm alright. That's all I can say.
I turned 30 this week. Well the birthday week started last Sunday. My family celebrate more of our Chinese birthday than our actual birth date. My chinese birthday was last Sunday and I turned 31 based on the Chinese calendar. Mom had her bad dream about me the night before my birthday, so it was a rather awkward timing. It made for such a strangely delightful Sunday morning. I woke up with a text from my brother telling me happy birthday on behalf of my dad and told me to have an egg as it was the tradition in our family. I totally forgot about the egg deal. Then after, I got a text from mom telling me that she dreamt about me. It's kinda nice to be getting those texts.
My actual birthday was of course on pi day (3.14). Decided to do something which I hadn't done before ever, which was to make the day all about me. It didn't work out so well. Well the evening before, I decided to start doing things that I like. I like watching movies, so off I went to watch The Lorax
. I wanted something light. I don't think it was a really good movie. I agreed with the message but it came across as a bit preachy. It's not really that funny and it's not really that touching. However, I was in such a weird mental state so maybe it's just me. Coming back to my room that day, I just lost it. I had a total melt down. I started crying pretty intensely. The like of which reminded me of my darkest days and those were some really shitty period in my life which I'm not sure I've bounced back fully. Perhaps I didn't hence all the traces still creep back up and hit me with lots of despair. There was just this huge wave of sadness and hopelessness and I just reached a point of not knowing how to do my life. Wow, that's some pretty private part there for you all to read. I seriously contemplated if I should write it but without the illustration, you may not get what I'm saying and that's the thing. People around me don't get it. I tried telling them and many came off as these wise ass people that I'm just so tired of talking anymore. They started saying you should this and that and I know that they are perhaps right but at this point in time, I would just rather have someone telling me, please don't cry Eka, you're an awesome person, and things will be alright, there there, please don't be sad. God, I'm crying again now writing that. I did feel that at a point, perhaps God understood my need to be comforted, that I got a text from il Gatto, wishing me a happy birthday. He's never done that for the past few years and getting that message seemed like to show that God will always give me someone to help me when I really really need someone. I need to keep that faith in God. Still, I broke down really badly. I couldn't see that possibility in the future that this will all pass and I'll have some genuine peace and happiness. It took some time to push the thoughts away and stopped crying. That's really the thing, I pushed the thoughts. I haven't really revisited them and addressed them and for that reasons, I think they will still come back to haunt me because I truly believe, issues will always be there if you don't try to resolve them. However I'm just too tired. It's a really dark place to be in and right now I just want to be numb rather than facing it. I'm tired and I'm tired of crying. So I did break down nearing to when I turned 30 but surprisingly it's not because of me turning 30. As usual my life issue is always more complicated than just one place or one situation. I did think it was overly dramatic to feel this bad about my life when it can be said as good, especially after learning not long ago someone I knew had a really devastating situation, also if you compare it to actual bad problems in this world. Those thoughts made me cry harder for feeling sucky about my life. I cannot deny the sadness and unhappiness that I felt. At the same time, I felt sad at myself for feeling that way. It's so messed up.
I did stop crying at one point. It was more because I was telling myself that it's getting scary, I was hyperventilating, my chest started to hurt that I told myself I needed to calm down. I woke up the next morning rather earlier than I wanted to because I stupidly thought that a package that my best friends sent me would still arrive on the agreed morning time. There was some miscommunication and basically I was looking at the prospect of spending the day waiting for that package to arrive. Yeah, that's fun! *rolling eyes* Then, I wanted to get my flu vaccination but since I was still having a sore throat, the doctor refused to give it to me. So I had wasted time waiting for her for nothing. Then it was raining as well, so I was just, yeah of course it had to happen to me. Everything should go wrong for me, even on the one day, the one day that I decided to do something for me!!! Seriously, there were blue sky the day before and after my birthday and I got crappy weather!!! I'm one who refrain from blaming God for things being sucky, however at that time, I seriously was like, yeah of course, shitty things happen to me. I tried to go through with my plan but let's just say I wasn't having a really good day. All and all, considering the effort that I tried to put and the result, it made for a kinda bad birthday. Oh well ... just my luck.
There were some nice birthday wishes. I got my first birthday present this year from Ms. J and I haven't even given her a present. She got me a book which is a good choice. I like getting books. I also got a book from my best buddies. The package finally arrived, not on my birthday though. The delivery people decided to reschedule even though I kinda already asked Max to help me with it. He looked rather sorry when he told me that he waited but it didn't come. Anyway, my cousin, Marlisa, which I am sure was behind the whole birthday present package, made me this really cool scrap birthday card. I like it a lot. She also got this cool box to hold the card and the book, which by the way is Ronggeng Dukuh Paruk
, which is the book for the movie, Sang Penari
which I mentioned before. I guess she read my blog. Anyway, the box, today I realized that I think the box was specially made for me because there's my name on it! I think she got someone to do it. On the box, there's only another word. It's smile
. I take it as another sign from the universe or God, to smile.
It's something which is changing in me. I can feel it that I had turned into when I was in those period when I always looked sad. It's back again. My energy is draining away. Strangely I think I feel this change more in my french class. We have more people in class now and their french are really awesome. That coupled with the fact that I'm just losing interest in everything in my life, found myself not fighting or trying much to be better. I think Mr. N even can sense it that there's something different in me. He tried to get something out of me but today I think he's started to relent. I know I'm losing it. I need to pull myself together and pull myself up. I am better than all this but right now, I'm just not there. I don't know when I'll be.
On other news. Max went to Hong Kong today for a week or so to spend time with his mom. I was thinking that I'm living with a breathing living half french boy and I should use him to help me with my french. The other day I told him that and he spoke 1 line really fast and I didn't get it and I thought, that's why we don't speak in french to each other. At least perhaps his english will get better with me. The other day, we were talking about The Walking Dead
and he said something like, "do you think he's enough strong for ...". Now, bad english grammar hurt my brain. I can feel my brain cells dying when I read or hear wrong sentences. I corrected him, "strong enough". I know where he came from, it's the same as the Italians and the Indonesians actually, the way we form that sentence in our languages. A few days later I was thinking that some racist people would think that the Indonesians are so dumb when they make a mistake like that because we come from a less developed country and when a french like Max makes the mistake, they would see the mistake as cute. Well, that's the state of my brain now, it goes to many random places. Anyway, I'm starting to get used having Max around and sometime talking to him can be pretty nice when he's not throwing his teenager-I'm-too-cool-and-busy-to-talk attitude. So in a way, I'm gonna miss him but I think I will also welcome the space without him. I was already not liking the fact that he invaded my spot and I have to sit in another chair during dinner. So getting the space back will be nice.
There's something that I'm planning that I hope will work out. However, considering all the plans that have gone wrong, I begin to doubt it will happen. It's stupid really when I can sense it's not gonna work and yet when it was really declared to be a failure, I was still broken hearted. So anyway, this thing I'm planning may not happen as well and so I was thinking, darn you're 30. It should empower you with the knowledge that you are old and so you know stuff and you've lived pretty long to be braver in the face of things and so come on, let's do this on our own. We'll see how it goes. I wonder what mom will say. Again, her dream kinda makes her worried about me but I guess she wants me to be happy and if this is what it'll take perhaps all she can do is just let go and pray for me.
Before I go, let me add this one bit which I also took as a sign. I finally finished reading Più Felice Del Mondo
by Umberto Pasti. It's a book that I got when I was in Rome. So it took almost a year for me to finish it. I didn't use a dictionary in reading this so I am lost in many of the short stories inside it but I like to think I get the gist of the stories. So in the last short story in the book, in some of the last few lines was this line, Capii che finché si è vivi gli anni felici finiranno mai, perché l'avventura che ci unisce è di per se stessa misteriosamente felice
. God is speaking to me in many different form. Keeping the faith is the hard one.
:) eKa @ 7:43:00 PM •