Thursday, November 04, 2004

The Now and Then

*sigH* I was right. Bush is going to be president again. I don't like it that I was right. I actually first saw the news from an American's blog yesterday (I forget who and what the address was). Anyway, in the evening when I watched the news and heard that it's pretty much confirmed, I was quite sad and actually felt like crying. I know I am strange. It's not like Bush becoming a president again have a direct bad impact on my life *sigH* I just felt...I don't know...just sad. After all...after Fahrenheit 9/11, after all the negative posts about Bush that people put in their blogs, after all the people who campaigned to stop Bush to rule for another 4 years, after all the emails forwarded from one person to another talking about the stupid thing that Bush did, after all the debates, Americans still think he's good enough to be president for 4 more years. I don't understand, I just don't. What are they seeing? I don't know. The man got more votes than Kerry. Americans clearly chose him over Kerry. I don't get it? Why?!?! My only logical explanation for not being able to comprehend this is that I am not an American and I am not living in America. I hope the world will be a better place, but my feeling is saying otherwise. I just think great things, great changes will take place in the future and my feeling says that these things which are coming are not good things. I hope people will be okay. I hope I will be okay, my family and friends will be okay. If you believe the Bible code, warning has been given in its latest book. Creepy...but what else can we do right? The now and then...Clearly what we have is now.

Now, a little about me. I'm having quite a dilemma. I am always having dilemma! Being a pisces, my zodiac sign are 2 fishes which are swimming in opposite direction. I like to think that as a pisces, we are able to see things from different points of view. I once read this analysis about being a pisces and it's written something like this "Don't get caught in the current". I guess my 2 ways of seeing things get me confused a lot of time. They kinda pull me in different direction and I just don't know what to do. Right now I am having a money situation. It's a situation not a problem, because I have no money problem. I can still eat and buy stuff. The thing is right now I am looking at options which will require quite a sum of money, which (I am so sad about this) my parent don't seem interested in donating. Well, what to expect. They can't possibly give me money for this thing that I want. One reason why I don't just go for this thing that I want, is the future that I'm dreaming of. My fear is that I couldn't reach this future, but I'm reading Coelho's Alchemist now, hopefully it can help to erase that fear. However, what if, the future that I want is really not for me. So shouldn't I just enjoy my days now rather than think about the future? Who knows? I might not live that long. See, it's all confusing right? I can picture you who are reading this are most probably dividing yourself into 3 groups. One group is shouting for me to live my day NOW, enjoy my life NOW, enjoy what you have NOW, you should enjoy your day today cause every day is a blessing for you. Another group is shouting that I should fight for my dream, whatever it is, it can come true, whatever it takes to bring you one step closer to it, do it! Another group are saying something like how all of this are bullshit. These people perhaps don't have any opinion about this or perhaps think that dreams and enjoying life is not a luxury that they can afford. I totally can understand. I don't know what to do, the more I contemplate, the more I am all confused and sad. I know whichever group that I side with, I will not be completely happy because the "what if" and "why not" will just whisper to me all the time, to drive me crazy. Clearly our past influence the us today and our today influence tomorrow. Being educated in Indonesia and grow up with proverbs such as "Bersakit-sakit dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian", the answer are being told to my face. But I also know that tomorrow might not come, high probability that it may not come. So what if I waste my time waiting for that "dream" tomorrow and it's not there, I don't know if I could handle the devastation. Really, I have that fear. The now and then...

:) eKa @ 2:28:00 PM •