Saturday, April 04, 2009

Uncomfortable Times

Let me start off by saying, I feel that the weather is so freaking hot!!! Is it just me?

You may have experienced uncomfortable times in your life. Times that you really don't like and don't want to be in but however it's the fact of your life and it's really something that you have and you just have to live in it until it ends. I am not talking about a few hours kinda situation but days, months. Perhaps my first one in life was when I am in Primary 4. I couldn't remember the feeling but I know that I didn't like it much because that was the first time I was not in the same class as my cousin (we've been in the same class since kindergarten) and it's also the first time I had a male teacher as a form teacher. Back then in that stage in my life, teachers were associated to women. I remember not liking the situation much but I did survive the whole year and somewhat had a bit of fun. At the end of it, it wasn't bad at all.

Another uncomfortable time in my life was going to a government high school. I had mentioned this before. Private schools and public / government schools are really different in Indonesia and my first year in my high school was not really a happy one. The first week could be the worst week of my whole time there. However, I survived the 3 years and coming out of it, again I am saying it is not so bad. My second and third year was definitely much better. I am definitely a better person with all these uncomfortable experiences.

I had other uncomfortable times in my life which I rather not discuss. Some of them really were dark and introduced me to what it's like to be depressed. I mean these are times where feeling like a failure, sadness, and tears were constant presence. The shitty thing is I guess knowing that you've gone through those days do not mean that you have this automatic / default mind set that you can get through anything. It doesn't make you mentally bullet proof, at least for me. In fact you still feel depressed and wonder if you can go through this uncomfortable time in your life and of course you do wonder and scream, why God, why??? Why can't my life be just nice? *sigh*

The reason I am writing this is because I think I am having an uncomfortable period in my life right now. The "I think" in that sentence is perhaps the operative word. Someone may point to me that I'm just being paranoid. Perhaps I am. I feel uneasy all the time. My senses are not giving me good vibe. My mind is running all these different assumptions which don't start and end well *sigh* and damn how it doesn't help when you have people telling you, you are right for feeling uneasy and worried. However I guess it's a matter of whether you would rather take the bitter pill and see the truth or be carried away in some illusion and finding yourself broken when you least expect it. Think of the Matrix where Morpheus offered Neo the blue or red pill.

Anywho, I did have Rista who had been so kind to me and telling me with all confidence that I shouldn't be worried. Maybe she doesn't count since she doesn't see the situation but I am just comforted with such faith and confident that she has. I would love to talk to my mommy who normally could put me at ease however she's not at home :( so I make do with other things. Went to the temple today and kinda poured out my worries there and somehow I found myself doing kau cim. Before you judge me for being sinful or silly, well let me tell you something. I don't really think doing this is sinful. Silly perhaps if you do it a lot and base your whole entire life in it. I just feel some people may draw inspiration from the bible, self-help books like The Secret, Oprah, and such so why not try to get your mind helped with some divine intervention?

So my whole process was actually quite fast, around 3 minutes? I was asking about the things that bother me and something that I am planning. The reading was actually not bad, it fell in the "middle" category. The tagline was, Do not worry. Good times are near. To benefit in future advance. I was actually quite comforted. I took down some of the explanation that I found to be quite comforting and true, like Hardship must come before your wishes can be fulfilled. Doubt and fears lead to nothing. I particularly felt kinda empowered with this next line, Be bold and set off on your journey because ahead is a wider avenue of opportunity. I have much fear really and I guess I really have to be bold and just do it. Another line should make me feel more at ease but I feel I couldn't really erase that uneasiness completely, Your household will be in chaos but you are secure.

At this uncomfortable time in my life, I really cannot think of anything to do but leaving it all to God. See, I do not know what's best I should be and what I really want for that matter. I know I want something so bad and that's where I really need to put my energy and mind into. So other thing though as major as it seems because it's about my day to day life, I really feel I should just let God takes over. What He decides will be what's best for me and I know He knows and plans better than I can and since I have no idea right now, I really just have to leave it to God. Things may seem daunting and scary and sad but no matter what scary and sad situation that I have to face, I am counting on my faith in Him to get me through it and come out alright.

On other news, Indonesia is having election next Thursday. I opted to vote by post but so far I haven't gotten my voting papers!!! :( I really hope that they come on time. Yeah one vote may not make a difference in the already-messy-seem-like-hopeless Indonesian politics but I really want to vote.

I'm still feeling hot. Ciao peeps!

:) eKa @ 7:42:00 PM •