Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Clinging to Solitude

Hello peeps, how have you been doing? I'm not doing so good physically. Been having headache and now I think flu is coming. I would rather it just comes and let me deal with all the antibiotics and such. Sigh. After CELI 3 last week, life did become lighter for me. I kinda thought I was going to revive my social life and start asking people for dinner and such. It wasn't really so. On the contrary, I was rather anti social. I think pms is what causing it. It's seriously a real mental pain. Anyway, I did go to some dinners, did catch up with some people, did do a long distance counseling (which cost me a bomb) but also did miss some dinner, social activity and did not return some sms. Currently I found some people to be rather boring and that's kinda the reason why I decided not to hang out with them, currently ... currently. Patience is really on the low side (perhaps together with blood pressure) and I seriously have no interest whatsoever in what they have to say, which mostly about them anyway. So I am in a bitch mode or whatever it is that you want to call it, I just don't give a damn really.

My life is currently pretty normal and manageable. Nothing interesting happens ... just yet. Me and my best friend, Dewi, is planning something. I hope it happens but knowing her or her family to be more exact, I shouldn't really put much hope on it. Actually yesterday and this morning I wasn't in a good mood. Someone couldn't do something and so I had to jump in for a rescue mission ... as always. God damn it! Why can everyone say, "I cannot do this and that" and I cannot? Why do I always have to be able to do everything? Why do I have to have such responsibility? Not a new issue actually. It's been a life story for me. When I was young, it was the responsibility I carried being the older one. My brother were excused of so many errors because he is the younger one and I wasn't and I had to carry that responsibility of that older one, of someone who should be looked up to. Since it seems like it's pretty much my destiny in life, to be that dependable and responsible person, one would think that I should be already acceptant about it and get used to it. I am so not. I still hope one would carry and take this burden away from me. There's always Jesus, no? The thing that I had to solve was at a glance rather difficult and seemed very complex and rather unsurmountable. However, I tried and lo and behold in less than 3 hours, I got to solve it in a very simple manner. I was thinking damn it Eka, you had that nickname in your msn, "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it", and you had doubt and fear. I felt rather guilty for doubting God, perhaps to be more correct I was excluding Him in my worry. I did remember Him a bit and said, "please God help me with this". Perhaps that short line was the call He was waiting for. I told Osh about it and how I was disappointed with myself for not relying and surrendering to God. He said something like, isn't it normal and don't we all. I really feel I should be nearer to God. Kinda feel like I want to go back to church. Sigh.

Anyway, in the spirit of being anti social and to cling to whatever solitary moment I can scramble, yesterday I went to watch 21 alone. Didn't plan to ask anyone for it but then la Gioia asked me if we were going to watch Hancock. It wasn't out yesterday so I said no and told her I was thinking of watching 21 alone. She said she wanted to come along too. To be honest I was rather disappointed, which part of me explaining the reason I wanted to watch it alone was because I was feeling anti social that she didn't understand. But then again perhaps she was rather worried that I was going to that depressing mode. However fate was on my side, last minutely she had to accompany the ibu for some things. Funnily after finding out that I did have to watch it alone, I felt rather uncomfortable of doing so that I was thinking if I should ask anyone to accompany me. In the end, I really couldn't do that. I really wasn't in the mood for some company and I was seriously happy that I stuck with myself. I really really need to be alone.

I thought 21 was good. Though I wasn't really fond of Kevin Spacey and Jim Sturgess. Not that they acted badly, I just didn't really like their characters. Of all the characters there, I liked Choi the most, though his was only a small part. I think if they had stuck to the real events and had made the main characters as many Asian geeks, then I think it would have been more interesting. Yes, the movie was based on a real event, it was based (very) loosely on MIT blackjack team. Go wikipedia it peeps. I wonder if wikipedia is going to be a verb like google. Anyway the whole card counting thing in blackjack seemed so interesting that I would be quite interested to learn it, provided my brain is actually capable of that. Should you watch it? I think you should. Not much good and brainy movies out there currently that this one could be quite stimulating for the brain, though it is not so brainy itself. There were some witty lines and I like witty lines So overall, I think it was quite a good watch.

Okay, gonna go and read some Asian Geographic now which I took from eggie's room. Saw stacks of them in his place. Such interesting found and they were just sitting there. All those peeps are so ignorant. Ciao!

:) eKa @ 8:50:00 PM •