Monday, January 20, 2025

Thriving Luck + Emotional Dysregulation

Chinese New Year next week and I'm going home this weekend. At the mall nearest to me, they have the Chinese New Year decorations with the predictions for each of the zodiac. For the dogs, it's written that we would experience thriving luck and I was like oh please God, please!!! I do need it a lot. Side note: Trump is also a dog, imagine him having more luck than he's alredy experiencing. He was found guilty and yet did not get any punishment - may he live long to experience karma? Anyways, the prediction ends with a mention that health wise there could be issues arriving from emotional dysregulation. I was like of course, that tracks. Me and my pool of anxiety - just last week I freaked out because I thought the health issue that I fear was coming back. Thank God, it did not manifest.

A lot of things in my mind, as always. Just a day or two ago, I suddenly realized I wake up every morning with worry. It's like I couldn't get up feeling positive and excited to start the day. I wake up with fear and I have to pray to God to save me and then come the cycle of feeling bad for being so negative, not having faith, and always always having to bother God with my issues which is like non-issue. There is one main thing that worries me a lot, every waking moment when the thought comes to my head, I ask God for an outcome that I want, knowing full well that the outcome that I want is perhaps not the best for me, God's will is the best for me. I should trust God, but the control freak in me couldn't let go. This thing that I have to face, it's not even now, it's around 4-5 months from now and yet unlike my mom who said, put this aside first, I couldn't. I'm staring at it, watching the days tick by and feeling melancholic about an ending. It's stupid to feel sad right, like geez you have time, enjoy the present. I'm really doing life wrong.

A lot of thoughts swirl when I'm in this state. Feeling I'm more afraid as I get older and I have less confidence in myself. Questioning how much more can I endure. Endure is overly dramatic, because I'm not actually suffering. Fact is, I'm blessed, I have no difficulty in life, I do not live in a war zone. Yet, just to go through each day and facing what may come ahead fill me with dread. I don't know if going home will reset my head space a bit. Maybe not, usually as I land in Singapore, the mental space is that I need to get ready for the grind :( Another thing that comes to my head is the different approaches to life, whether it's better to let things come to you as they may or may not (like the water flowing as the Indonesians perhaps like to say) or to set objectives and chase goals (like maybe what many Singaporeans do). I've been wondering if I did my whole 30s wrong. Could I have avoided the situation that I'm in right now? What good does it do to look at the past right? Move forward and yet I don't know what my forward would be. Still lost, still stuck *sigh* Anyways, as usual I hope your days are glorious.

:) eKa @ 8:44:00 PM •