Friday, May 12, 2023

Some Alone Trips Later

I drafted this early this week about my personal realization that I noted down during the trip, but decided not to post it then because one my of aunts passed away *sigh* The last time I saw her was Chinese New Year this year and she was already looking frail then. As I was thinking about this aunt and her husband who departed earlier, I think they're actually kinda my first adventure. They lived far from me (though still in Jakarta) and when I was young and they didn't have any kid yet, there were times where I stayed over with them during school vacation. I think it was partly for me to just try out new things and them to practice taking care a kid. I couldn't remember much about my time there, aside for them being really nice to me, asking what I want and such. The few things I remember are there was a time when my uncle took me to the cinema and my aunt sew some clothes for a doll for me to play with. Overall I was okay about spending time with them that I did that for a few times until I stopped because I started to cry. I don't know why I started to cry and it's to the confusion of everyone too. Looking back at it now, I think even as a young kid I already had that kind of sudden anxiety overwhelming me and as a kid, all I could do is just to cry. I couldn't explain it well then and even now the words are just not adequate either. It's just fear and anxiety that come as they please. I can't say I cope better now. The only improvement is I guess I don't cry now. When more and more people from your childhood die, it gets really scary and that's another source of anxiety for me when I think of it. I'm hesitating about writing all that's been running in my head about her death, so maybe I should just not and get on to talking about some things that came to my head during the Iceland trip.

I was watching The View one time and Billy Porter was on it and he said God has bigger dream for you than you have for yourself and as I embarked on this Iceland trip, I thought that is so true. I can't say with all conviction it is the case for all aspects of my life because I am losing faith on many parts, but the part where God took me to places, well He really has taken me beyond than what I set for myself, beyond what I thought was possible. I wrote this in my diary as well. When I began to step my toes into the world, there were just 2 things that I wanted and thought I could do. One was to go to Italy and after that the thing that became first on the list was to see Sagrada Família. I did those within two years of each other and each year after that bar the time during COVID, I had been fortunate enough to go somewhere new. It really blew my mind thinking about it. In the past I knew people who had gone to Iceland and I thought it was so cool, but I didn't think it was something that I would get to do because just like what Chris Rock said in his special, I identify as poor :D For me, it means some things, expensive things, are not meant for me, even when financially I could. That dream of travelling to many places is one of those things that I think is far within my reach, but then just like that I found myself going to Iceland and looking at all the other places I've been, like Kenya last year - well, how did all these happen? It really blows my mind. It's like I'm just putting one foot after the other and God is like, okay child, let's go. I really couldn't have done it without Him, truly.

That doesn't mean I didn't have the fear and anxiety. I had all the fears with the full consciousness of knowing how stupid all my anxiety were, but they just kept coming like the waves. So I told myself since you're being an idiot feeling all of this, go ahead then, sit with the fear and there were many nights where my mind raced with all the anxiety and it's the same fears I had in all of my trips, exactly the same things. I told myself, you freaking went to Kenya on your own last year and you're having all this fear again which is like nothing compared to going to Kenya on your own, so what the hell?!?! But there they were haunting me and though I felt annoyed for feeling all that I felt, they just couldn't stop trashing around in my head *sigh* So I just took the tortures and suffered :( I wish I could control my thoughts than having them paralyze me, but I am still failing at this.

When the time to go came, as usual I just had to go. Usually on the taxi ride to Changi, I started to just let go and come what may, but this time around, I don't know maybe it's the thought of being in a long flight in economy seat that got me questioning why I was doing this and it's a shame really because for God sake, you're going to Iceland!!! It's gonna be awesome. I think for this trip specifically, the anxiety started to dissipate when I passed through immigration in Finland and made my way to the train station. It's like there's no longer time for anxiety, because I just needed to go, time to move, execute the plan, put into practice what I had been studying for. So it was really quite joyous when I made it to Sibelius park. The falling snow also made it more special though it was cold.

I would like to acknowledge the 2 Indonesian girls' blog that I happened to stumbled into when I tried to find as much information as possible. By the way, I would just like to say sometimes it gets kinda annoying for me those influencers or people trying to monetize their travels because their blogs usually follow the same structure with the same table of content so it's nice to find people who just write without that objective in mind. I also like to hear what other Indonesians did on their trips. So these 2 Indonesian girls also went to Iceland solo and I think they're much younger than me and it's always inspiring when girls are being brave. One of them cited Taylor Swift's song, 22, as her inspiration to do the trip alone. Both of them went to the Blue Lagoon and that kinda made me think I could be that confident too. Alas I didn't go, but for other reason. The other girl was even more awesome. She went snorkelling in Silfra. This was featured in The Amazing Race and I do think it's very very cool, but I can't swim so that's out for me. Anyway this girl, a funny thing happened to her. To dive in Silfra you have to wear the wet suit provided. Apparently after wearing it, it's hard to move, like there's not much flexibility that she had to ask the guide who's a guy to help her tie her hair :D It's funny, but yeah just be confident and cool about it. I am in awe of them and reading their stories kinda encourage me that this can be done and it's gonna be alright. That's how much anxiety I have. I have travelled to many places on my own, but I still have that much insecurity. I think it's such a shame that as I get older, I get more scared. I think the 20 something me or perhaps the 17-year old me would have had more confidence or could hype myself better. Anyways you never know who's gonna read what you write. I don't think many people read my blog, but if anyone finds it useful then I'm glad.

Thinking about all my anxiety, a thought came to me that it's like the more I do this or the more I get older, the more I see more ways for things to go wrong and that sucks because it keeps on adding to my list of worry when I travel. It's the littlest thing sometime that gets me to, oooh you didn't study for that one. Like for example in Finland when I suddenly realized I might be standing on the wrong side in the escalator. My fellow Indonesians who live in Indonesia will be like, is there a correct side to stand on the escalator? In Indonesia, people use the escalator because they do not want to walk so stand any side you like - like isn't the purpose of the escalator so that you don't have to walk? :D Well here in Singapore you stand on the left and leave the right side for people who want to walk. Now, previously I had made a mental note to watch where people stand first when in a foreign country, but I forgot to do that in Helsinki and it suddenly dawned on me, am I standing on the wrong side?!? Things like that, small and inconsequential as they are, it still managed to rile me up, like oh you haven't got everything covered.

The last thing that I want to write here is about how I am maybe dead inside. It's because I wasn't blown away much in this trip. If I have to be less harsh on myself, I would say that I have been fortunate enough to see many wonderful things that it perhaps takes more to amuse me and also I tend to not be impressed much with waterfalls and I saw many of them in this trip. However the other part of me is pretty convinced that I am somewhat damaged on the inside. It does bother me that I don't get excited much because that's ingratitude and also I think when you start not feeling much to the point you don't see the point to make an effort of just taking one step in front of the other, that is extremely scary. Right now I have been to more places that I have ever imagined I would be and I no longer have a list of places I really really want to go. Don't get me wrong, I do still think there are many interesting places to see but it feels like the anxiety mountain that I have to battle when travelling alone is getting higher and higher and it's really a battle. I haven't even opened up to you about the other bad things running in my head, thinking about life and such. It's a lot, but I do think I have to just go because as I said, when you start to lose that interest to even move, it's scary. I also cannot deny the fact that when I travel alone, I only have me to think of. I don't have to solve problems for anyone but my own and it feels good. The lyric from Van Morisson's song, Days Like This, which was in my playlist feels so apt - when you don't need to worry there'll be days like this, when no one's in a hurry there'll be days like this. At the end of it, it always feels good ending a trip that I did alone because it really feels like a sense of accomplishment. It might be worrying that it gives me more feeling than the wonderful things I saw but it's just what it's like with me.

Okay, gonna end this with something that happened this week that made me like, what?!? Are you for real??! So I was watching Ted Lasso and I tweeted something about it. Yes I still tweet, it's the only social media that I use and I use it to say things to the world that really is unnecessary to be said. I don't use Twitter to follow people to see what they say or to retweet. I do sometime search what people say in Twitter about TV series that I watch because it can be quite fun reading all the reactions :D So basically I use twitter to tweet what I want to say then I'm out, but that evening I happened to go in again and in my notification I saw this.

I was like, is that really Jason Sudeikis??!? What?!? I then furiously googled to know if it's really him and it seemed like it is him. You really never know who would read what you write :D You know how sometime you project the character that the actor played into the actor; somehow for me I can really separate Ted Lasso and Jason Sudeikis. They're really separate entities for me. The only thing that kinda mashed up a bit for me is the part where Ted Lasso is struggling with his separation with his wife; I wonder if that's close to what Jason Sudeikis was feeling when all that mess with Olivia Wilde happened. Speaking of celebrity drama, I really miss Wendy Williams. Okay, I digress way too much. As usual, may your days be glorious. Ciao.

:) eKa @ 9:09:00 PM •