Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Declining Mental Faculty

When do you think your mental faculty peak? We hear the joke or people saying things like I'm getting old, so and so are difficult for me now. I wonder if I am in that age where I am starting to go downhill. There are things that make me question what's going on with myself. There were times when I felt I wasn't as articulate as I should have been, like the things coming out of my mouth didn't make much sense. Then Japanese class often brings me down afterwards. I have no doubt that I'm kinda the worst in class now. Last week my classmates completed fill-in-the-blank questions so fast, while I struggled in understanding the sentences. I wondered if the sensei was worried with me not understanding things. I also made mistakes on homeworks which everyone agree were too easy. It is embarrassing *sigh* There are reasons why I'm not doing as good as perhaps as I should be. One is the fact that I'm not putting much effort. I'm not reviewing grammar, not making an effort in memorizing words, and most importantly not making any effort at all in memorizing kanji :( The logical me would say that is the only reason I suck full stop, but I guess I like to put blame on other things, like the fact that I haven't been sleeping since the longest time. Growing up, I never struggled academically, so not being able to get things easily is always frustrating. God needs me to understand this struggle I guess.

Recently I also wondered about my mental faculty when I was finishing reading The Nickel Boys. The epilogue came with a twist which kinda bothered me because I didn't see it coming even though in the page before it, the text told what happened. I was thinking, didn't I understand the sentence? Were I not able to visualize the scene? I guess I just feel that I'm not as sharp as I would like me to be. I'm just not 100% on all fronts. It could be because of me myself not putting the effort to just focus or a combination of things like being down all the time, the lack of sleep, and well everything. Anyways The Nickel Boys is a good read. You can finish it in a week, but the not-disciplined me took so much longer :( It tells the story about a boy who had to go through an abusive reform school. The boy was African American and so in addition to the standard abuse everyone was getting, the black students also had to deal with discrimination and their lives were significantly worse. It's uncomfortable reading about the injustice and abuse. The boy had a future to look forward to before a mistake put him in the school. He admired Martin Luther King, Jr. and hold on to his words, but after all that happened to him in the school, he and me too, struggle in committing to what Martin Luther King, Jr. said about having love for the people who do us wrong. I know God wants me to be better, but I am weak.

So this year, due to the lack of discipline, I didn't really read a lot. The list is as follows:

0. There There - Tommy Orange
1. The Water Dancer - Ta-Nehisi Coates
2. Do Not Say We Have Nothing - Madeleine Thien
3. Rules for Visiting - Jessica Francis Kane
4. The Nickel Boys - Colson Whitehead

On another topic related to age. I watched On The Rocks sometime ago and the character that Bill Murray played, said, a woman is at her most beautiful between the ages of 35 and 39. Funny and at the same time it made me think, even that is something I am running out of time of. Anyways, I just have a lot of stupid thoughts going on in my head. By the way, it's been said that introverts seem to be doing much better about socializing restriction during the pandemic, but now as things having to go back to normal, at least here in Singapore, I do feel anxious about having to go back to a situation where I will have to be with more people. I am not looking forward to it and can already see it will bring me more stress. People like me don't handle changes well and when we got used to something and then we have to change again, well I'm dreading it :( I am looking forward to vaccination though. I want it as soon as possible and it's weird how recently 2 Singaporeans told me they don't want it. I was pretty stunned because I thought everybody would be lining up for it. It will be free for the residents in Singapore but the government is not making it compulsory. It's kinda sad for me that they can easily have it but not want it because I have concerns that in Indonesia people will have difficulty getting the vaccine. It will not be as easy and as organized back home. Yesterday I chatted with my cousin and we are worried that our elderly parents are not going to get the vaccine. Indonesia is using the Chinese vaccine. They haven't published efficacy result yet, but the news there have already been saying that the age group which is targetted to get the vaccine excludes my mom's age group and that is worrying. I will only feel at peace when my mom is vaccinated and so I need the government to do better in their job or for the Pfizer vaccine to be somehow be available in Indonesia. That vaccine is the one being used in the UK and there the elderly is prioritized, but no such plan seems to be going on in Indonesia :( Really, I'm so worried that my mom will not get the vaccine :( Anyways, as usual peeps, hope your days are glorious. Happy holidays and I do hope things are getting better for you whereever you are.

:) eKa @ 8:54:00 PM •