Saturday, May 18, 2019

I Need a Win

so I pray but each word feels so in vain
when joy keeps quiet as a whisper (quiet as a whisper)
and bad luck falls like rain
when life shoots a bullet straight to your heart
leaving you open and defenseless
when did living become so hard
...
I need an angel on my shoulder
somebody watching over
give me an angel on my shoulder
'cause I need a win
I Need A Win - Mamas Gun

If you've been reading, you know I don't actually have the best of days. You may also deduce that perhaps it's all in my head, that my days are fine but my attitude is not. I have written before that if I look at my life, it's pretty blessed. So what's with this defeatist and sadness mood I'm in? Me, myself, deduce it's most probably just my head. Sometime I can just be in the mood of you-know-of-course-you-don't-get-good-things. These past weeks, I've been thinking how things haven't been going the way I hope they would and along with those thoughts came the, well of course things would go wrong, things were not going to happen, because this is typical of your luck. It's very pessimistic but that's how I operate. Many weeks ago, I came to the realization that the song above really expressed what I want. I need a win so bad.

With many things in my life, somehow I feel I always need to make things happen myself. Things don't just happen to me, unlike the good fortune of other people. I know it sounds like envy and it's a sin, but really I don't think things come easy for me. That being said, though things don't always happen the way I want them to, when they do, I know it's because I have God helping me through. Today too I would need Him the way He's always there for me every time. Today I will try to make a win.

It's that time of the year, the pilgrimage to see the world. I'm leaving for Peru tonight and this time I will not be alone. La Gioia is coming alone. This trip was long in the making. This was the trip that I referred to when I wrote about the trip that I made in the year I turned 35. I chickened out back then. This year things seem to align. It's really been a long time in the making. The big picture of the trip was fleshed out quite immediate after I got back from last year's trip, so that's around a year ago. I remember chatting with Casyrn and telling her that's it's crazy that I kinda have quite a fleshed out plan. I figured out the logistic which was quite an issue when I was thinking of doing it in 2017. Of course since I had only come back from a trip last year, I had to ice this plan a bit. I revisited it again around 6 months ago with more and more details being filled in, enough to be presented to Gioia who somehow decided to take a chance and do this trip to me. I am thankful to God that I have a friend in this trip because it is quite daunting, but after all these times travelling alone, having someone to travel with does come with its own set on anxiety. I really hope things will go well in this trip. Please God, have angels watching me please.

So today I did my usual ritual. Class is on break today so I could wake up late but I didn't really wake up late. In general I have difficulty sleeping and the past week I don't think I slept a lot :( I was nervous about missing classes and the homeworks, but I managed to finish them all. So today, I went to pray and then also got a good Indonesian meal. Chose soto and es teler :D I don't know how I will survive the flights to Lima. There are 2 flights, each at around 12 hours plus :( We will be transiting in Paris on the way there and Amsterdam on the way back here. Me and my misplaced priority, I am hoping that the hotel would have HBO because I really want to watch Game of Thrones finale :D *finger crossed* Anyways so that's me. As usual I'll write more when I get back. Ciao!

:) eKa @ 6:42:00 PM •