Saturday, March 23, 2019

Tell Me Why Things Sucks

They say, everything happens for a reason. I now realize for me, I want to know what the reason is. You think that knowing the reason will make you feel better, but I know it may make you feel bad too. The pisces in me, the two fish swimming in opposite direction or perhaps in a circle, we're always just going back and forth from one direction to another.

March is my birthday month. Turned 37 this year. I always like odd number better, but 37, darn that is old especially if I consider where I am in life :( It's even older if we're following my mom who's following the Chinese calendar because I turn 38 on Monday. There are so many mornings where I just recite over and over, God please help me, as soon as I weak up. With what maybe God wonders? I don't know, I just feel like I'm gonna fall apart any moment now.

Anyway, spent my birthday making new passport. Had my usual struggle during biometric. Luckily the bapak in charge seemed sympathetic. It made me realize, some struggles will be with me for the rest of my life. It occurs to me that it's perhaps weird that not many people know I have this issue. The people who know is like my family and even then not many of them know. It's like a non-issue issue but darn when I'm struggling with it, it really sucks :(

Told my cousin about it after I was done with the process and also told her about a silly thought that I was having in relation to the current Indonesian celebrity news (at that time). My cousin is only a few days older than me and she said it's not silly at all. She knows exactly what I meant. If I tell you what it is, it's too embarrassing, so I'm not gonna to. That night, I also texted a bit with Gascoigne in which we kinda touched on the subject. One of his replies was a sample of prayer that I could tell God, like some sort of template I could copy and paste. Truly it made me laugh. I don't talk a lot to my cousin or Gascoigne but it's kinda nice that despite of that, I think we know each other well enough to have good conversation even though it's only through a few texts.

By the way, I like how fast the embassy can process your passport. I think I did mention this 5 years ago when I made one, but I felt now they're perhaps even faster by 1 day. This time around, I opted to get it delivered. It seemed not many people know this option and it happened fast too. It's good that Singapore Post is also efficient. Now I'm waiting for my voting papers. I heard citizens in some other countries are already getting their voting papers which seemed like super early to me. Well Singapore is small, so maybe that's why they don't have to start so early.

On other news, I don't have other news. I'm planning something but I kinda couldn't do it with a light heart because well people sucks. My mom said it's alright though so perhaps that's all that matters. I think I freak out too much. Again with the anxiety. There's just a lot of fear. I read this about pisces, it is also a pessimistic and tends to give way to sadness, melancholy. I'm also a dog and I read this, dogs are very intuitive but can tend toward pessimism -- and even see dangers where there aren’t any. Reading that kinda made me laugh, but it also made me think, oh well now you know it's inherent in you. One time I also read that a dog born at night (which is me) tends to be restless because they're like guarding the house. Again it made me think, no wonder with all this restlessness. I know perhaps you think it's silly to trust zodiac, but I just want to know the reason why. I need an explanation.

:) eKa @ 6:50:00 PM •