Friday, February 22, 2019

Merging Me

My cousin told me that when she was sick and had to go through all the treatments, she learned that the most important thing is to have your health - and I guess also gratitude and letting go. She also told me now that the whole ordeal is over, she's kinda forgetting all those lessons :D Your environment or your situation does sometime put you in a different state of mind. Maybe you get tougher, be more patient, or spiraling down into a deep dark hole. You are perhaps not truly yourself in those situations.

Why I'm starting this post with that thoughtful idea? Though perhaps not well-thought off and doesn't make sense. I guess because I'm realizing it's like there are two versions of me. The me that struggles in Singapore and the other me that's looking (dare I say) great in Indonesia. The more I think about it, both of them are like unreal to me. I don't like the me in Singapore. She seems to always be heavy in burden and I genuinely wish she can be happier. She's great after all - wow that's me praising myself. Well you kinda have to love yourself, right? The me in Indonesia is super unreal. She like doesn't live in the real world. She's on vacation with almost no responsibility and so no stress. That's like not a valid adult. The struggle in Singapore is real as you can read from the many posts and I spend most of my days here so the version of me here perhaps feel the most real to me that I kinda cannot see that outside of that, back at home, I do have family and friends who if they have been in my environment on a constant basis, I may feel completely different. I really wish that these 2 versions of me can merge so that I don't feel so bad.

So I went back home for Chinese New year. Of course it was great - hours spent in front of the TV, eating, meeting relatives and friends, being able to sleep. The person I am closest to in my family is my mom and I am truly thankful to God for the moments that we get to spend together. They are precious to me. I don't mean to sound morbid and all, but I often get the realization that these times are running out so I am really thankful for the time we got to spend. I also had moments of feeling bad when my dad looked at me because I thought I hadn't been nicer to him. Writing all these sentimental things make me teary eyes :'(

Anyways, with the friends and mom, we talked about my situation and there were advices. Mom's is of gratitude, always. My friend, Emilia, has a good line about not making assumptions. I talked about perspective last time and how I see it but couldn't reconcile myself with it. Talking with my friends and mom, it kinda made me feel like I could because they are doing it. I put "made" in past tense because though I'm trying to be a better person, I know that perhaps that good intention or spirit they're emanating to me will fade. Right now perhaps I am in the glow of the light, but I will be back into the dark hole pretty soon. Even now if I think back of the points that make me furious, I will get rattled. I'm not magnanimous so all I can do is try to not think about it. Move forward, but the darkness follows and I'm pretty sure, as it always does, it will engulf me. Ha! if you're expecting me to write in a more hopeful tone, well I just don't have it in me, the Singapore me perhaps don't have it in her.

On a more interesting topic, I have been really enjoying The Luminaries by Eleanor Catton. The book is thick and it was daunting, but once I got over the first chapter, it was really good that I am hooked. The first chapter was a bit hard to read for me. It reminded me of the first chapter of the Harry Potter books. They were kinda boring, but once you get over it, you are drawn more and more. As the plot thickens, I do wish I have more time to read. I only read during the weekdays, for around 30 minutes after lunch, that's all the time I have. This book makes me wish I have more time. It's like watching something really good that you don't want to stop. All the while reading, I'm like watching it and I think it would make a really good TV series. I guess I can make more time, but bringing this heavy book around is not appealing to me. Right now I'm not even halfway, but I do recommend you to read this if you're looking for a book to read. Don't let the thickness deter you.

:) eKa @ 9:47:00 PM •