Lay Dead in the Swamp

Hi guys, how has your weekend be? Mine is rather bad both physically and mentally. Physically my body has been going really bad. It's like everything is breaking down and I am quite stressed out about it. Had to see Dr. Ed the other day and the sympathetic him said don't stress out and let's get you better. Am I better? Well not really, I even have other issues now that I may need to see him again soon :( The other day when I had to see him, it was already quite expensive and now I may end up spending more :( On the mental front, things are going just as bad. I am sad and frustrated and pretty much in despair. I want to give up, but giving up is never a good thing to do though some people may say you need to quit a battle you cannot win. I am attributing all the suckiness to this being a dog year and hence everything is harder for me (the dog people as mentioned before). Big moves may not be in my favor this year, but if I cannot make a big move such as walking away, will I end up dead in a battle I cannot win? There is not an ounce in me that says, "Come on, you are awesome, you have gone through things you thought were not possible and yet you pulled through, believe in your power". Nope, no such pep talk, my whole being is just sad. My whole being just want the world to stop and leave me alone and not ask me for anything. I am so tired, so just tired, mentally and physically. My body feels like they're rebelling because of the emotional distress.

On other news, finished book 1 of the year, Swamplandia! by Karen Russell. This being April, I think I am moving rather slowly. Keeping in schedule might be hard. Schedules and me really are not going well this year. So Swamplandia! is mostly about 3 siblings that lived in an alligator theme park. The book started with the point of view of the youngest, 13-year old Ava, but then it alternates with his older brother, Kiwi. I wonder why middle sister, Osceola, didn't get her own chapters to tell her story. Anyways, maybe for inspiration I should look at Kiwi who kept on trying even though he realized that the odds were against him when he left the comfort of his home. However right now, I don't even want to try. As I said, I want people to leave me alone. Back to the book, spoiler coming, skip this paragraph if you want to read the book. At one point in the story, Ava, the 13-year old, found herself alone without anyone in her island home. Her dad and siblings all left and that day a stranger happened to come by and Ava invited the man to stay. I was like, girl what are you doing?!?! Nothing happened and then the man offered to help Ava find her sister. So they went on a boat trip in the swamps. I don't know if it's because I was reading from Ava's point of view that I was seeing things from a childish innocence or it's because I let my guard down as nothing happened on that first few nights that the man was with Ava, that when he finally raped Ava, I was shocked and in disbelief. I felt stupid and fooled. I'm not angry at the book, perhaps the writer did such a good job that I was lulled into believing that the man was good, but you know I was pissed and really sad for Ava. The whole episode made me think that when you get raped, I guess you have to make a decision - just accept it and live or try to fight but you may die. Ava just accepted it, well she didn't quite understand it. After the ordeal, she did make a run for it and I was afraid she would die. She was so brave and she lived and she really was extraordinary. I don't know how I feel about the ending, but perhaps whatever difficulty that they had, though they lost their theme park, as Ava said they're finally together as a family and that's a precious thing. As someone who live without a family, I know it's hard. Yes I do have a family, but they're not with me. Being a lone wolf can be really hard sometime. Now I'm reading Tinkers by Paul Harding. Thinner book, bigger font, so I should be able to finish quite fast, but we'll see.

These past weeks in Japanese class, we've been talking about 生きがい (ikigai) or reason to live. There's also question like 今幸せですか (ima shiawase desuka = are you happy?). Truly not a thing I like to talk about because if you've been reading, you know I'm always depressingly sad. There's also a questionnaire with question if you're satisfied with your life. My classmates, being the interesting people that they are, some answered no to that :D Everyone has their own tribulations I guess. To that I answered somewhat, because to answer no feels like not acknowledging God's blessing. As for 生きがい, me and some classmates answered no, we don't have any which is a sad thing I admit. If you have no reason to live, why, how are you living? But that's the truth for me and I guess that's why I am sad all the time. I'm like directionless. I don't have that one reason to keep walking to, reason to keep on living. Some classmates and sensei were giving examples that I found to be rather trivial that I said, shouldn't your reason to live be something more profound? Yes, I am quite a snob. I think a good reason to live will be like to make sure that your existence is not a waste, to be a useful person, to be helpful to others. I want that to be my 生きがい, and yet right now in everything I do, I find no meaning it it. As I told my classmates, I'm just surviving, which is a very selfish thinking. I'm just making sure I survive but what's the point of my survival? Perhaps my classmates and sensei are right, find joy in the simple and fun things. Maybe I'm making things difficult by overthinking it. I don't know.

:) eKa @ 9:24:00 PM •

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