Saturday, October 28, 2017

Unforgiving Flaw

I am a person of many flaws. Of all I don't know which one is the worst. The one that's been weighing heavily on me this past week is the ability to forgive. I got to thinking that if you can't forgive people, how do you expect God to forgive you for all your sins. As much as I see that point, I still just can't let go a mistake some people did to me. My mom told me to let it go because the most likely scenario is that they may not know that they did something wrong. In my attempt to let go, I didn't point out the mistake, but it's really eating me up and I'm still pissed, super pissed. I know that I'm not going to feel better if I point out the mistake, so I do understand that there's no point in doing so. I mean what's gonna happen, those people is just going to say sorry. The apology will still not make me feel better. The thing is they took something from me when I wanted it the most, so even if it's replaced, it couldn't replace the fact that I wanted it at that particular time when it was taken. As I tried to reason with myself to let go, I think of the times when I wanted my mistakes to go unnoticed too. I'm sure there were and there will be many of those moments in the future too. However as mentioned, it's a flaw. I see all these points why I should let go and forgive and yet I still can't. I try to make myself feel better by saying at least you didn't confront them. It's nice, isn't it? But that act doesn't equal forgiveness and it would be easier if I just can forgive, let it go, and not feel like this anymore. It's really like drinking poison and hoping the other people will die. Those people are doing just fine right now, all happy, and it's me who's suffering with all this. I have no conclusion in writing this. It's not making me feel better, but I guess I just write it down being it's near the end of October and I haven't written anything.

Things haven't been going rosy for me. What else is new? Had dinner with la Gioia yesterday and things are not going rosy for her too. I've known her for some years now and I don't see her get depressed often. I've always attributed it to her being more mature. This time though, it seems like it's quite a bad one. Yesterday she concurred that being alone does add to the depression. As such, though she has her own place now, she's been spending more time back in her parents' home. I do often wonder if being alone without a family does contribute to me feeling depressed more severely and frequently, it seems I'm kinda right. We wish our lives can be different. Our lives can be different if we're willing to sacrifice certain things in our lives. I guess because we're not ready, or at least me, hence we sacrifice the happiness in our lives. However at a certain point being unhappy will eventually take our lives. Maybe at the beginning it's just by being sick as evidenced by the different ways my body goes wrong. Then for some people, they just take their own lives. In one of the last exchanges we had yesterday, she said try to stay alive. I guess for now that's what we do, we're trying to stay afloat in this sinking feeling we're having.

:) eKa @ 7:59:00 PM •