The Freedom in Being Single

Hello peeps, how have your long weekend be? It started quite strangely for me. I was somewhat in a downcast mood. I don't know why, maybe pms or maybe it's just the way depression is, it hits you anytime it wants without any rhymes or reasons. Saturday night I had quite a big restlessness attack, the like that often takes me down on Sunday night. It's very strange considering that with the long weekend, I should be having less stress. Yesterday I called mom. She talked about how my primary school friend came to the market and chatted a bit with her, telling her about my school reunion that happened recently. I never attend any of these because it never happens when I'm in Jakarta. It is kinda funny that my mom has more of a friend relationship with my old school friends than me myself. I basically have no relationship with any of these people. I do feel thankful that they make the time to chat with my mother whenever they swing by the market. Then today, I met up with Dewi and her family (husband, son, sister, nephew, and niece). Honestly I was quite nervous about this, I think it's because of the despondent feeling that I've been having this weekend that I don't feel like socializing. Also there's kids and kids are a handful and I always find myself not having enough patience to deal with them. On any other people, I may like try to conjure up an excuse to not meet them, but Dewi is like a really good friend of mine. She told me days before she's coming and really made an effort to arrange a meet-up. You know I have had family members who came to Singapore and didn't tell me and even bothered to arrange a meet up. I know I'm not a special person or anything to be considered, but when I found out after the fact, it still kinda hurts. So I really appreciate Dewi for making the effort and I too made an effort to get out from my self-pity hole and come out to meet them.

Their hotel is in Bugis, so I swung by the temple first to pray before meeting them. It's been awhile since I went to the Bugis temple. It's a really hot day today. It's kinda nice meeting Dewi and her family. Her nephew and niece are kinda grown now and I found them to be quite well-behaved, though they did tell me that the niece cried this morning before getting on the plane. I didn't really spend a lot of time with them. We had lunch and then we took the bus to Esplanade via Marina Bay Sands. I didn't follow them to Merlion because I think they can handle it on their own and I'm just too tired to walk in the hot sun. Being with them and seeing the 2 moms, it's really something when you have kids. There's a lot of patience involved. I don't know if having kids change you. If so I wonder if it would change me. I always say I want to have kids, but today I wonder if it's something that I just say often that I think it's the truth without really seeing that it may not be the truth. When I see people like Dewi or my cousins who have toddlers, there are many times I feel thankful that I don't have to deal with all that. Today when I saw Dewi had to feed his son while his son was glued on a mobile phone and also when his son wanted to get down some steps a particular way they way his dad did it with him, I'm just like ... I'm thinking in my head how much time we can save without having to deal with these kids. That's the things with kids, isn't it? They take time and effort. If you're travelling with them, you may not be able to make a lot of plan because you have to follow their timing.

I think about all the freedom I have being single. Yes, I complained about the loneliness a lot, but today I also see that single hood has afforded me a lot too - all the freedom, all the times me walking around all the different places in the world that I have been fortunate enough to visit, doing things that I want to do. I couldn't have done all that with kids. I say maybe God sees that I'm not ready hence me making my own family is not happening (yet?) for me. Dewi said, there's no such thing as ready or not ready, just do. Well perhaps, but perhaps God really sees that I do need that alone time (maybe longer than other people) for me to do all the things that I want to do. If not, if I have been burdened with kids (though kids are blessings) before I'm ready, before I have done the things that I want to do, I may live a life of frustration and I may take it out on the husband and kids and that wouldn't be good. I'm still praying, we'll see. Maybe also I just need to be around kids more so that I can grow my patience but unfortunately here in Singapore, there's no little kids for me to hang out with :P

On other news. I gotta asked Dewi if she voted for Ahok. Of course she did, thank God she went to vote. I sometime wonder if people in her demographics are too lazy to vote. Thank God she did make an effort though the result is a sad one for us. She said that she and her colleagues are also very sad. I actually had tears that day finding out that he lost. It's very heartbreaking and I don't understand the result, how it happened. In Indonesia it's not like in America where the media or other research body will start researching how the different demographics voted and this is something I am very curious about. I talked to mom yesterday who said the lost is supposed to happen and it's better that way. In the last post, I wrote about how if Ahok had won, there would have been rage. I think this threat is real, especially to Indonesian Chinese who are the punching bag of Indonesia. 1998 was real and when you lived in that time and you're Indonesian Chinese, it never leaves your mind. I wonder if many Indonesian Chinese didn't vote for Ahok for fear of riots and such. Seriously I wonder how the breakdown of the votes go. People may say we're dramatizing things but people who refused to see it for what it is are bad for Indonesia. Unfortunately there are many of them. There are many disappointing comments coming from Indonesian politicians regarding this gubernatorial election, one of the most disappointing one for me is from vice president Jusuf Kalla who said that foreign media is not giving a balance report regarding the election. He felt that the media should focus on the fact that the election went peacefully. Well that's because Ahok didn't win. What if he had won, could you be sure that there would't have been riots. I wonder what his angle is. Is he hoping to run for president in the next presidential election and is starting to shore up support. Then Mike Pence came to Jakarta the day after the election and he said, "In your nation as in mine, religion unifies, it doesn't divide." I know he couldn't rock the boat, but seriously did you not see that radical Islam has scored a win through this election, why do you have to make such stupid comment.

When I read the news about Pak Ahok especially these days with the outpouring of supports through people coming to city hall to see him (he's like a rock star) and all the many flowers being sent his way, I still get very touched and misty eyed. It's very very sad and heartbreaking. By the way, if you don't know the news, there are many Indonesians sending flowers to Pak Ahok and his vice governor. Indonesian style of sending flowers is it's a board with some wording on it and flowers. From pictures online, some of these wording are very very funny. If only someone takes the effort to document each and every single one of these flower boards and put them online. A few days ago I read it has reached 4000 boards. Pretty sure this has never happened anywhere else in the world. This is for someone who's still alive and just because he lost a gubernatorial election. The harmless flowers were enough to make some stupid useless Indonesian politicians get agitated though. They said it's a waste of money. Wasn't it a waste of money too when you funded people to attend massive demonstration? Hello, these flowers are not foot soldiers that you can mobilize to antagonize people. What happened when you had demonstration, many of it ended up in violence. They also cynically said that Pak Ahok and his people are sending these for themselves. Seriously, come on now. For the election campaign, most of the donation for Pak Ahok came from individual people. Pak Ahok and his vice governor only donated like around 75 USD. They don't waste money stupidly. Compare this to Sandiaga Uno who donated more than 4 million USD, some source even said it's more than 8 million USD. He should be thanking God he won though he's only the vice governor. The things people do for power. You know if he had used all that money to build free clinics or schools, his name will be more honorable than the way he and his team win this election. It's like he's a joke. Indonesia really lost with this election. I cannot feel hopeful for the future of Indonesia at this current state. It's worrying and one can only pray.

:) eKa @ 9:10:00 PM •

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