Surviving July

Hey peeps, how has your July been? I had a bad flu when the month started. So bad I had to visit the doctor twice because after one round completing the medication the doctor gave me, I wasn't getting better. I had quite a few rest days, but then since I was really sick I couldn't enjoy it. Then there's also some annoying things that happened. I still can't get over one of it. It's something that makes me feel like I had been lied to and betrayed. Seriously if I can, I really don't want to talk to the people involved anymore. In fact if it's been any other people, I would most probably not talk to them anymore. However in this case, it seems I just have to pretend all is cool when it's so not. It's a very ass move that they did. So pissed I am that I do hope bad things would befall them. To add to all these sad things was that because I was sick at that time, I couldn't just eat all the sorrow away. I couldn't eat junk food and I couldn't have ice cream when I really really wanted or perhaps needed too. I'm okay now and I have had my ice cream and comfort food, but I still feel I haven't been having enough ice cream.

Today as usual I had Japanese class. We're in Pre-Advanced now and today is lesson 3. Since lesson 1, I have been feeling like I'm drowning even more and everyone is so far ahead. There are more kanji. The classmates can guess the meaning and understand sentences faster and I always have to search what something means. Then also when my sensei starts writing Kanji without the hiragana, I'll be lost. In the toilet this morning I met one of my classmate, who's the motherly one because she is a mother. She remarked of how the class is getting difficult and I concurred. I said something like I felt so behind. I forget the exact word she used, but she said not to be discouraged and work hard. After every lesson where I felt like I have been smacked by a tornado, I did feel if I should just stop because it's not working for me. Today hearing my classmate said that, it felt good, comforting. Maybe I should hang in there, maybe I'll get through this okay. I wonder if things would be so much different for me if I were in a class where everyone don't have any Chinese knowledge and be as blind as me regarding the kanji. The kanji itself is not the only problem. Everyone seems to be speaking Japanese and I'm not like that. It takes me longer time to compose sentences so I wonder what happened, why is it I'm this behind. Truly, I am so demoralized.

I really don't have any interesting thing to say people. This coming Wednesday I have to participate in a social activity. I'm really not looking forward for it. I think it's because I don't see me having fun in it. So I'm hoping something will pop up which will stop me from participating. I don't write about the things I do day to day, but the fact that I hope something would come up so that I end up doing the same boring thing instead of doing something that could possibly be fun is rather sad. I know it is so unhealthy. I haven't been doing any social thing since perhaps my dinner with la Gioia almost 2 months ago. I should surround myself with people, but all I want is for people to get off me, let me be alone :(

Talking about sadness and isolation, there's this old uncle living in the same block as me. He uses a walker to walk and he walks really really slow. I usually see him on Sundays when I go to the other block to get food. There was one time I saw him sitting at the stair case looking really tired. It's worrying that the mean and evil me think he should just stay at home and not go out. I think it's a mean thought because just because he's old doesn't mean he shouldn't be seen in public. Then I also started to feel sad and heartbroken seeing him because one Sunday when I was getting my food in which I think it only took me 10 minutes or so, he only moved like 2-3 m. The other day I saw him trying to get into the lift and I wondered if he managed to make it. The evil me didn't make sure he could get in. It seems he has the strength to lift his walker, but he couldn't really lift his feet much that he drags them. These days when I see him, aside for the sadness, I start to think it's good for him for still be trying. I couldn't imagine how long he takes walking from this block to the other block where there are shops around. Does the 5 minutes I take mean 1 hour for him with many stops along the way? You may start to wonder if it's worth it. Worth it or not, he's doing it and so I begin to see him as being tenacious. I still get really sad when I see him, but at least now it's tempered with admiration for his persistence and I do hope God will take care of him and let him be alright.

Well that's about it peeps. I really have nothing interesting to write. Hope your days are great.

:) eKa @ 5:09:00 PM •

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