Effort

Today when I got my homework back, I saw that I made many mistakes. So many mistakes that I questioned the effort that I put into it. It was really disappointing and I thought, just another thing to add to my misery. It's been rough rough weeks these past few weeks, pretty much since July. This week I found out that I missed something and it was really bad of me. It's like I feel like I've been barely keeping myself afloat all this time and then I found out that the reality is I've been actually drowning. I don't know if it makes sense, I can't swim anyway. It's like a ghost who doesn't know that it has died. I guess it's like that. This shitty period and my homework make me think if I have really put in the effort. I suppose I could have done more, I could have dedicated all my waking hours to accomplish things rather than using time to play, watch things, and forget things. I feel kinda disappointed at myself. I feel I have done a lot and yet this week shows me the failures I made. I feel tired. I wish I can just stop and walk away, but I can't walk away just because it's hard or just because I'm tired. I wish I can.

All that is not the worst thing that happened to me. The medical scare that I had last month comes back and it's bad. I had to check this blog to see when it last happened to me and I'm really sad knowing it's only been a month. I haven't gone back to the doctor because I'm stubbornly and foolishly hoping it's gonna get well on its own. I don't think it will. If you see my face these past few days, I can only say it's a face of glum. I have had people tell me I always look sad but this time even me realize how gloomy I am. It's a face of sadness, anger, fear, worry, and stress all combined. It's really what I feel. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I think I haven't been eating that much junk these past few months and yet this is happening. Is this because I rejected one medication the last time it happened? I got really angry thinking about it, the unfairness and inconvenience of it all. It's as if my life hasn't been difficult enough these past few weeks that God has to pile this on me as well. Of course even with that anger, I still end up praying to God hoping that He will just make it all go away.

:) eKa @ 5:28:00 PM •

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