I Lost It This Week

Got out of bed at 11 something this morning. Felt guilty about it. Seriously without classes, I really have been wasting most of my Saturday mornings. I didn't even sleep late last night. I tried to get up early. I set the alarm for 8 something but I just ignored it. For someone who painfully follow schedule, I'm not sure why I can't bring myself to wake up early on a Saturday. Anyway, today is spent in my room. I have to get out at some point to get some food, though I'm not sure what that will be. I should be going through the boxes and sort the ones that I really need to discard or ask my parents to bring back home when they're here, but I find myself to be too lazy to do it. My lame excuse was that I just went through a scary health ordeal.

Scary for me, but perhaps it's totally minor for some people. I was in quite a pain the last few days. To the point that I lost it on Thursday evening. I was crying and bawling, "please God help me" over and over. I had to admit even when I was doing it, I thought I was being way too dramatic. Those kinda cry should be reserved for really serious things like near death situation, and I wasn't near that (I guess), but I was just so down. Sometime it's just hard, it's really hard when I had to deal with my life on my own. When I find suspicious things on my body, when I am in pain, there's noone whom I can ask to help me with it and give me moral support. Yes, there are doctors whom I can consult, but when I need the moral support to deal with the doctors, there's noone. So the fear and worry just got compounded and I just cried and cried. Eventually I calmed down a bit and called mom and all she could say was just to snap out of it and go to the doctor first thing in the morning. I cried again when I put down the phone. I have to admit some of the reason for the crying was because I pity myself for having to deal with this alone. A sentiment which I feel one should never have. One should never pity oneself, because I feel it's a sign of selfishness. Why do you think you are that special to be pitied upon?

So anyway, I cried so much Thursday evening and I was all worried and in pain. It was totally miserable. As discussed with mom, I took a medicine my doctor once prescribed me for other thing and 1 panadol just in case I ended up with a fever. Not something that I recommend though. Do not just take any medicine. Self-medicating is totally bad and yet I have to admit, I do that a lot to the horror of la Gioia. Friday morning came and I noticed the pain had considerably gone. It was still there, but it wasn't that bad anymore. I'm not sure if the meds help. Decided to just take the day for myself, I'm not sure what the consequences of this will be. In the end, I didn't see the doctor. The pain is pretty much gone now, but I'm not sure if I have done things right. I can only hope that God will be kind and I wouldn't get an infection or something like that. Please God help me, please God. I'm not sure what I should do. All I have is google but they're not that helpful and I'm not in the mood to sift through all the result pages and again I would say, google is a bad place to consult for medical issue, please go to your doctor. I may end up as one of those people who could be a perfect example on why you should not consult google for your medical issue. Please God, help me :'( So that's that. Am I relieved? Not yet I guess. I just hope all will be okay. So far, I still see and feel things that worry me. Maybe it'll be sooner than I expect when I cry my eyes out again, crying for God to help me :'( Please God, let that not be.

On other news, I finally finished reading Cloud Atlas. It's a shame that I'm reading less this year :( I know a lot of people prefer the book than the movie, but I really love the movie. I think the advantage of the movie is that it is able to tell the story of this book as one entity. When you read the book, the stories come across as separate entities but with the movie, the thread that connects them seems to be more visible and that's why I really love the movie. As in the movie, my favorite story in the book is the one that take in the far future, An Orison of Sonmi~451. I have to say that the book is more vivid than the movie and perhaps that's one disadvantage of the movie since it cannot show everything. Anyway, I like An Orison of Sonmi~451 because I love its so called mockery of consumerism and I love how the author imagined the path of human being will be when we continue to be this invested in commercialism. The book also reveals other things which I find to be particularly interesting because it's not in the movie, like the story of Letters from Zedelghem. Well the composer, Frobisher, did ask his soul mate, Sixsmith, to make sure that that part of his life story did not eclipse whatever things he did in his life. Overall it's a very interesting book to read. Perhaps for me it's even more so after I watch the movie. The movie as I said is a really good one, so do go and watch it peeps.

On movie, the last movie I watched was The Lone Ranger. I can't recall if I had watched the tv series version of this when I was really young. Anyway, it's a long movie, The Lone Ranger. There were moments when I rolled my eyes but overall I actually quite like it. It perhaps does not have the same excitement level from beginning to end, in fact it only got really interesting in the climax, especially when the iconic music played, however I like it enough that I'll watch its sequel if they make it. I guess that's that peeps. I'm hoping that I'll be totally alright and no bad things will fall upon me. I'm not that optimistic about this, but I really do hope that God will help me. Please God, help me :'(

:) eKa @ 3:00:00 PM •


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