Reflecting on the Trip to Japan

This post will be more about me rather than all the other observations I have about Japan. There were trivial things that I notice that perhaps wouldn't be interesting for you, like what's the deal with the 1 ply toilet paper, and the hard tissue in restaurants even though they do give wet tissues, and how I like the space that Japanese give each other when they queue for the subway (that's so perfect for the anti social me), and how I felt weird out when I saw Dewi Sukarno on some frivolous tv shows (it's so strange for me). So yeah, there are things like those that I notice but here I will write more about me.

I notice that I didn't feel alone or lonely at all. This is a big change from what I felt during my first trip alone. 4 years ago, there was loneliness and I ended up texting people back in Singapore or Indonesia. This time around, it's not like that at all. After 3 straight day tours from Tokyo, I was so ready and relieved to be on my own. It's very strange because it's not like I talked a lot with my tour mates or if they annoyed me really so. It's just I really wanted to get away and be on my own. On day 9, my so called last day when I was alone, I felt like even that time alone wasn't enough. It's like I'm always feeling how I want people to get off me and knowing that I had to go back to civilization, that was hard to deal with. It's actually worrying for me that I don't feel like I want to hang out with people. This thought was even more hammered into me when my mom commented how the pictures of me that I sent her show only me alone. Usually she would complain that there aren't many pictures of me and most of the pictures are of sceneries. This time she didn't even comment on the fact that there are still not many pictures of me, this time she commented on there's only me in the picture. She said it's not good to be that way. It's been like that these past few months if I can confess. I have been doing things on my own and I feel I am most relaxed and calm when I'm on my own. When I close the door of my room and know that the next day will be my day of solitude, I am most happy. This room has really been that fortress that protects me from the world and on the things that I do on my own, I feel most liberated. I do try though to have social interaction, but even like today when Gascoigne asked if I wanted to have brunch or something, I declined simply because we have hung out yesterday and man I just need my alone time. I didn't tell him that and the likelihood of him reading this is non-existent so yeah I don't think he'll get offended and he's also one of those rare people in my life who can disappear for months and yet when he resurfaces again, things don't get awkward, we can always talk.

Do you think there's something wrong with me? I think there could be. It worries me because I think it's unhealthy. However I just can't, I really can't force myself. I get real restless if I have to sit through such boring conversation. Is that a sign of selfishness? I just need people to be interesting and surprise me. For example, yesterday conversation with Gascoigne touched on Bradley Manning. I can tell you that perhaps only Gascoigne in my universe knows who he is and it's nice to be able to be surprised by such topic of conversation. Of course our conversation about this topic didn't progress well since we are always so strongly in opposing sides of the matter, but that's kinda what I look in people or conversation. Someone to bring interesting points to talk about rather than just the general things or if I happen to bring up something, the other party can respond to it and give interesting view. My universe is not filled with such people :( The sad part of this is, I usually just wish that someone interesting will drop from the heaven in front of me and stop me from being a hermit. That hasn't happened yet and meanwhile here I am withdrawing myself further away from the very few people I know. I've become more and more alone, but now without the loneliness that I used to feel and with instead a relieved feeling. I feel like an irreversible bad change may happen to me. Like how are you gonna have compassion if you don't surround yourself with people. Right now, I feel like I have very little attachment to people and so I feel like sometime I cannot relate on why people feel the way they do. However even though I would like to say I've become less sensitive, I still can point people in my universe who's less sensitive than me :P

I feel like I owe you more writing but I don't feel like saying anything so instead maybe I'll just try to write what my head is churning. Half of this year is almost gone, it's scary isn't it? I think I will not be able to match last year goal of reading more books :( I'm still in the first book of this year, Cloud Atlas. There's just a change in the way I have lunch this year and so I don't have the alone time to read :( I've been kinda keeping up with the movies. Been watching them alone except perhaps for 1. My parents are coming in the long weekend in August and I'm pretty nervous about it. I still feel like I want to leave, all the time. I had a pretty weird scary dream last night or perhaps early this morning. It was so strange. Singapore has been so hot that I told my mother that even the water that comes out of the tap feels hot, it's just warm actually. TV series are going on a break this summer and with Game of Thrones' current season ending this week, I pretty much have nothing to watch. I started to watch Community and Joel McHale is handsome. It's not amazingly funny for me and I think the reason I kept going is because he's very handsome :P I start to have difficulty in sleeping again. I guess my body just can't be fooled. I'm tense and have some many issues that even if I try not to think about them, they just manifest themselves in the way my body behaves. I'm contemplating if I should make myself a peanut butter sandwich, but it's late and I kinda promise myself to sleep early on weekends. Without classes, I end up waking up really really late on Saturday and Sunday and it's a waste of a morning. This post is not really reflective of the title so I should just stop now. May your days are more glorious wonderful people! Buonanotte!

:) eKa @ 11:41:00 PM •

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