I Demand To Know What This All Mean

Hello peeps. It's been awhile since I last wrote. It's not like there weren't things that I didn't want to say. Well yeah nothing interesting happened in my life but I did have moments which got me having a soliloquy in my head. I guess in those moments, I just let the moments pass without straight away going to blogger and publish what I thought and as those moments passed, I found myself not wanting to talk about the situation anymore or not feeling that the situation was worth talking about the first time around. It's like taking a step back after the initial reaction to something and not feeling so strongly about what happened anymore after some time. I guess that's what it is. I'm not sure if it's a good thing to bottle up that much sentiments in but this blog is always about what half that bottle contains.

My last post talked about a decision that I had to make. Well let's just say that the situation is evolving and at this point, I'm not sure where it's going. There's a lot of waiting and things that I don't understand that I feel like shouting, "I demand to know what this all mean". You see, the dreamy side of me likes to find reason or connection in something. Like, oh this meant to happen because of this and that. However such connection or impact of something in life will be hard to discern because only God has the full picture of anything. They say the flapping wings of a butterfly can cause a hurricane in other part of the world, but for the person who sees that butterfly flapping its wings, it takes a whole lot of imagination to link that to a hurricane somewhere. Okay, perhaps in this day and age, just a google search. I guess the self-centered me try to rationalize what happens in relation to me when instead it's perhaps about other people, not me.

It's like last week, I got a flu that just didn't go away despite of me self-medicating myself dilligently and another thing which was more serious that brought me down really bad :( Anyway, so on Monday I had to march myself to the doctor and so on the way there, wiping my nose, I wanted to scream, "I demand to know what this all mean". Side note: that happened after I wanted to scream "I hate this place" when I was in the toilet (I truly hate that toilet). So there were many questions that could run in my head, but that was what I had. Perhaps it wasn't about me, perhaps I had to be at the train at a particular time to infect someone else and so I was needed to start the chain of events. Perhaps also it was needed for me so that I could share a moment with Max when he kindly cleaned up the mess I created when I spilled my soup that I hadn't had the chance to eat all over the table and floor. Man! I wanted to cry there and then because life was just sucky at that moment and because he was there being so kind and all, I didn't. So I guess there were just that kind of things which you may not realize the effects of something you did or just by being present. However I guess the not knowing what all those things mean kinda drives me crazy. I guess it's most felt in a difficult situation. You kinda want to be comforted that there's a greater reason for what's happening, that this needs to happen for something in the future but that chain of events will be never ending and as I said, it may not be about you. Anyways, I am thankful for antibiotic this week. It totally helped me with the other thing which I didn't mention to my doctor because I was just in a denial about having to face it, but I am better now in that area so thank God.

On other more common me in life, the last movies I watched were The Dictator and Madagascar 3. The Dictator had its shares of boobs and penis. The humour is crude, typical Sacha Baron Cohen, but in a twisted way I found him to be pretty brilliant in his humour :P As for Madagascar 3, I wasn't that excited to watch it but since YeeMaggio asked me out, I thought alright. For the first time, I realized that the penguins were so cool and they're the coolest characters there. So intelligent and capable. They're totally my favourite characters of the gank now. By the way, Spider-Man 3 is on tv now and my God, James Franco is so handsome!

I've also finished reading The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern, the book I mentioned in the last post. I did pretty good, I finished it in less than 1 month. I like it so much that I even slowed down the last few pages because I didn't want it to end. It's a really nice book and I found myself so captivated and it got me thinking that the last time I was this absorbed was with Harry Potter. I didn't like the ending much but I will always respect how the authors want their stories to end. There's 1 mention of Indonesia in the book when the author was describing how the shadows in one of the circus tent is like the shadow puppet show in Indonesia. I was glad that she used the Indonesian reference for this when perhaps there are other countries which have similar culture, or claim to be the original country of that culture ;) Anyway when I saw that word, it was like a bonus and it felt that it's like fate this book came my way. Yeah, I am dramatic that way. So I hope they'll make a movie out of this book and I kinda believe they will. I even has some ideas on who the actors should be. One of the characters I like the most is Marco and since he's british, I thought Matthew Lewis who played Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter movies will be perfect for it. Well perhaps he's too young for it but since he's so handsome now, I think he'll be kinda good for it. Then I was also thinking Hugh Laurie for the role of Prospero the Enchanter. Then Hero Fiennes-Tiffin who played child Voldemort can be Bailey. Then Lost's Sayid can be Chandresh. Poppet and Widget will be hard. I thought the girl in the animated movie Brave is what Poppet will be like. The other main character other than Marco, Celia, is rather hard to cast for me :P I think Chloë Moretz perhaps can fit that character, if not perhaps she can do Isobel, but she is very very young. Anyways, really looking forward for the movie.

So I got myself a new book today. Went to Kinokuniya. I actually had a hard time deciding on a book. I found a book Jaipong Dancer which drew me because it's a non-Indonesian who wrote about this Indonesian culture. So that's admirable. In the end, I settled with Lord of the Flies by William Golding who once won the Nobel prize in literature. I have to say that factor was a real draw in getting the book. I hope it's good, well I guess it will be. I can only hope it's my taste and I'll like it.

I don't think I have written anything interesting though this post has been running long. As I said, nothing interesting happened in my life. I can only hope that things will get better for me and be more beautifu. Even so I think I am taking the more pessimistic and defensive approach in things, I normally pray so that God will protect me and shield me from bad things. I hope that is not the case for you and your life is going gloriously awesome. Take care peeps. Buonanotte!

:) eKa @ 9:52:00 PM •

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