Word That Burns

I just watched the replay telecast of the SEA Games badminton woman's singles. That was a real disappointment. I felt rather sad but I know it must have been harder for Firdasari, the Indonesian player, who let down the whole stadium. Oh well. Anyways, just wanna tell you that this is going to be a long post. Things are swirling in my head but I will try to do this in a chronological order.

As mentioned, I went home last week. It felt really really great to be sleeping in my wonderful bed. I love my bed at home so much. The bad thing that happened back home is that water wasn't running smoothly. It felt like living in poverty because of the lack of access to water and that was quite literal. You see, in Indonesia, or at least in Jakarta and at least at homes like mine (I'm not really sure how they work for appartment building), we usually have water containers to collect water from the main pipe. I'm not sure what's the reasoning for this. I can only suspect that the water running from the government pipe may not be as constant as one expect so it's necessary to have big water containers to collect the water so when the time comes to use it, we will always have enough of it. In the case of my house and perhaps many others, we have 2 water containers. Indonesian has an exact word to describe it but in english I can only use water containers. The first water containers in my house is located under ground, in front of the house, under the small little area where mom has pots of plants. It is tiled. Now that I think of it, it will work well as a torture chambers :P Like one you can find in horror movie where the unsuspecting victims are kept. So anyway, it's not so big, it doesn't even occupy the entire underground area of our house. I guess for construction safety purposes, it's not a wise idea to have a hole filled with water under your house foundation. Now this water containers collect the water from the government main pipe. Then once or twice a day, dad will use the electric pump (I'm not sure if this is the correct word) to pump out all the water up to the other container located at the half level of my 2 and a half storey house (my house is small, hence we have to build up). The pump is not working really well, so instead of flicking the switch and barring one of the bar (I'm having difficulty explaining this) and have it work automatically, some other works need to be done and in my family, only dad knows how to do this. So the water goes up and water from this container is the one will be running down and being used by all the taps in the house. For some reason when I was there, the water wasn't running very well. The big plastic water container on top is old so moss does grow in it. It is gross but imagine fresh water from river, they also flow through rocks and moss and plants. Anyway we only use the water for washing not drinking or cooking. We use water from gallon bottles for that. Okay so, water wasn't running properly so that means it's clogged with debris somewhere. It's quite a nightmare because at two and half storey, there's a lot of pipes behind the wall that can cause the clog. If only there's an X-ray machine that can scan this kinda thing exactly. There's isn't. Everyday I just prayed that it would work out by itself. Mom decided to settle this after I leave but even then their trustee handyman wasn't available. Anyway, lo and behold mom said it did work out by itself 1-2 days after I left. It seemed the water finally managed to kick all the debris out and dirty water just came out from one of the tap and mom let it run its course out until clear water came out. Thank God! Thank God it worked out because it would be a major work to destroy walls and find where the clog is and thank God it worked out on its own because I think mom and dad not gonna be behaving nice in the face of all the reconstruction work :P So that's the long story of home.

Dewi's wedding went okay. I really don't like getting dressed up and getting my face all heavily made up. But I did. Me and cousin Marlisa attended the buddhist religious ceremony. The parents' part of this kinda thing is always touchy and the weeper of this one seemed to be Dewi's dad. Everyone was making jokes that's because Dewi's is the favourite kid :( I didn't cry because I tried my best not to. Her wedding reception was going in a very efficient manner that I was impressed. I think she really got most of the things done in 2 hours. I think they're really done by 3 hours. I basically just stuck around Emilia and her family. I don't know many people anyway. Dewi and Sofyan actually went to Singapore and Malaysia for their honeymoon. I met them for dinner this Tuesday. On my way home that evening, I realized that our conversation was really done in high speed Indonesian. We spoke really really fast. I always attribute this to us being efficient but even though we covered many things, there are still things we haven't talked about or I forgot to ask her. So anyway, that's one of my best friends who got married. I was expecting for Marlisa to follow suit next year. It could still happen, we don't know but anyways, it led to this next subject.

I expected the question of when my turn is. My school friends with husbands, kids, fiance asked me that. I remember Emilia answering on my behalf, soon. I know it's really nice of her. She just wanted the heat off me and didn't want me to be discouraged or stressed out. But the thing is and perhaps this is the wrong way of thinking, I don't want to be focusing much on it, is it very wrong to be single (at my age)? It is for the same reason that even though Dewi asked the organisers to specifically call my name out to participate at the throwing of the flowers, I refused to move. Don't get me wrong. I really want to get married. I want to have kids. I think I can be an awesome mom and teaming up with me will definitely be pretty cool because I am crazy, fun, smart, and at the same time pretty capable on many things. When one gives their loyalty to me, he can expect the same and it's one character that I really value deeply. It's just the whole idea of you are only complete when you are married is not something that I share. I'm pretty sure Oprah had discussed this one time. I am a whole on my own or at least each and every day of my life I strive to be a whole on my own. My name in itself already means 1, it doesn't mean 0.5. I am not someone's half. I don't really share that sentence that is often said in wedding, now you are one kinda thing. I have mentioned it before, my idea of marriage is more of Kahlil Gibran's version. I imagine myself being married to someone who is also like me. We both are 2 whole people on our own. We are already 2 strong and intelligent people. We are together because we love each other, we have massive fun together, great conversation and we make sense together but we should also be able to be independent and strong on our own. Alright, I don't know if I am explaining my points well. My point is, all these people and my parents who ask me this just don't seem to get that about me and I don't even try to explain this because I fear that the concept maybe too radical for them. I know dad and mom as parents would really want to see us kids get married and dad perhaps at his age (when people his age and his siblings had died) is rather worried he may not see the day. I also really hope that God grants us the chance to be married with our parents around. Mom and dad also just really want someone to take care of me which is also a nice and logical wish as parents. I get that. The thing is many people will argue, they should wish for you to be always able to take care yourself and that is exactly something that I strive. I don't know if I will be able to do it down the road, being 70-80 something. However at this age, with what's in front of me, with what I have or what I don't have, I strive to be okay on my own by own. It's really imperative for me to be able to be this way hence I don't want to pine or hope or actively looking for that person to take care of me. Yes, there is some worry that I will be single forever. At my age now, I don't know if that chance to be married is getting smaller or bigger. What I know is I don't have a boyfriend, not seeing one in the near future, so instead of trying to get one, I am preparing myself to be more contented being alone. I don't think it's a pessimistic point of view. I don't think that means I give up. It just means, I'm not gonna sit here just waiting. I'm gonna be doing stuff and maybe we'll meet when both of us are doing our stuff.

This subject relates to a conversation I had with a Singaporean taxi driver who drove me when I arrived back in Singapore. Seriously, often time I wish Singaporean taxi drivers are not so chatty. This one was so chatty he missed my turn and had to drive back. In less than 15 minutes, he's given me support about love and the pressure of marriage, told me about an Indonesian maid he knew who committed suicide just 1 month after she returned home to get married, and his phillipina friend who had to perform illegal abortion in a Singapore hospital and the moral conflict she had to face. At the end of trip, I knew about his marriage, which area his house is, how many rooms in his flat, and the area his 2 kids live. Very chatty! So anyway, he commented on how Indonesians get married young compared to the Singaporeans. I commented it is so and hence mom is pushing me for it. He was telling me, let love happens naturally as he believes that people who looks for love is looking for trouble so let it find you. Following that logic, someone still has to do the searching, no? :D He said the usual thing people often say, as long as you are happy now, why does it matter if you're single? So the annoying question comes. Are you happy? If I have to be honest, I don't really know how to answer that. I think what I feel most of the time is not happiness. Is it sadness, then? I try not to think of it as sadness. I mean just because you are not happy, it doesn't necessarily mean you are sad, right? I just feel restless most of the time and to say that I am restless just because I am single would be so shallow. I am restless because of many things, because of where I am in life, what I am doing in my life, what I want to do in my life, or more profoundly what I need to do with my life. I always have all these philosophical questions weighing me down. So that's me and my issues. To say I am not satisfied and disappointed with my life is also incorrect because I know for sure that if I have to die tonight, I will be thankful to God and I will leave feeling okay because although there are many things I haven't done or don't have, there are many things I managed to do. For God's sake, I managed to cross the number one things off my life list, managed to put new ones and crossed them too, and I am still putting more things and trying to do them. So in that sense, my life has been great and blessed and I am happy, really genuinely happy that I know I can feel that. So what's the conclusion? I don't know. Maybe I just need to ramble. Hmm ... I really hope I don't have to write about this kinda thing again because who likes repeated recycled materials :P Let's cross our fingers.

Movie of this week is The Adventures of Tintin. I watched it alone while waiting for Dewi and Sofyan to come for dinner. I like it and enjoyed it but it is rather heavy to warrant a second viewing. I have never read any Tintin comics. In fact each time I see the picture, it just doesn't interest me. However I watched it because it's Steven Spielberg's and also it reminds me of a very cute french guy by the name of Arthur who was rather excited when we saw the posters in Cannes. I think he will like the movie too :) The story was pretty good and for some strange reason I thought Tintin was rather handsome in the movie :P It is still strange though for me to see someone his age dressing the way he is, it just makes him look like a boy.

Now let's continue to the title of the post. If you think the inquiry about me and marriage is the reason for the title, well it is not. Something darn shitty happened this week. Someone said something to me that just caused me to freeze. This is the freezing in which I see no way of going back to normal. People who know me know what I am like. I do wonder if I am being emotional, sensitive, dramatic, but I am really sure if the same one word is to be told to the girl, she will also feel utterly pissed off. I mean I told 2 people that this girl used this word about me and without hearing the story, these 2 people already felt that the word is such a mistake. They felt she shouldn't have used the word. I stand by my reasoning that I did no wrong and even if I did wrong, I shouldn't be faulted because it's not even something that I should be doing. I will battle this out if need be. Mom even told me to fight this out. To add to that misery, another girl had to of course put pressure on me and told me something along the line that I am not being understanding. I was really in that I-want-to-scream-FUCK-OFF-and-throw-things kinda mood. Of course I didn't. So anyway yeah that is so shitty. Just one word and it got me to freeze and I know it is perhaps one bad character of me that I can just cut people off. Seriously though, as much as I want to forgive and forget, I can't. Can you still forgive someone even if you don't ever want to talk to them ever again? Does that mean the forgiveness is not sincere? I don't wish this girl or any people whom I don't ever want to talk to ever again harm. I wish them well but I just can't be all sincere and be all buddy buddy with them ever again. The annoying voice inside really led me to question if I am being unreasonable and I am lacking of patience in life. I will admit that I am not a patient person. However, I think I have been pretty patient in enduring many shit from many people in my life. I seriously think there are other people who would have taken the shits that I have had to face in life in a less admirable state than I do. So in that sense I think I fare okay. The thing is, there are just certain things that can freeze me over. Sometime I don't even know them until they happen, they just burn my inside and I freeze as cold as an iceberg (how's that for a paradox?). It does sound unfair though for people having to guess if certain things will fly with me when even I don't know it. I guess my advice is don't be a dumbass. Put the words or the action towards yourselves and see if you'll feel pissed. If yes, then don't try me unless you really want to hurt me. If you do, then I salute you because at least you are being honest :) Just be ready for me not to be all smiley and be friends in the aftermath :P Well you all gotta live with the consequences of your actions right. So that's the shittiest thing that happened this week. It spurred a desire in me to make a major change. With changes there is always fear and fear is always paralysing for me but sometime when it comes down to it, people just have to make the jump. I really hope that God will guide me in each step of the way.

What else to say? I was really nervous about going to class today because 1 week without french class does wipe everything in my brain. I know I just left for a few days but somehome this trip felt so much longer to me when I came back. All seemed so different and foreign that I felt like I am in the state where I am trying to get used to things again. Talking about foreign, I realize I haven't even written about Indonesia. I actually have some things in my head about this. I hope I'll get to write these thoughts down, maybe it does have to simmer and be boiled longer in the brain. So anyway french class. I was horrible, aarrrgghh!!! I made the stupidest mistake ever. For some reason I thought that the word for people in french "les gens" is singular. I like to blame the italian equivalent which is "la gente", which is singular. In Italian and French, the article 'la' is singular but I should have no excuse in making the mistake when "les gens" starts with 'les' which indicates it's plural. So anyway I used all the third person singular verb in my writing and made the stupidest mistake (for my level) in my writing. I should have asked it back and made all the correction instead of letting Mr. F continue reading it. I think he wasn't impressed. I just tried to laugh it off. God, I cannot imagine if it had been Mr. C. Then Mr. F was also speaking really fast in class that one time I didn't even realize he was asking me a question. Embarrassing. Speaking of Mr. F, I think with 1 week me being away, he's forgotten my name, sigh. I really need to study more. We need to take a test at the end of this term and man so many words conjugations have successfuly fleed my brain. Not to mention the memory demanding subjonctif, aarrrgghh! Today I was also having more difficulty in writing things. I was drawing blank. I think my writing was horrible. But I always think that way :( I think I have to start dedicating my time to go through all these words but man I am so lazy :( I really need to whip myself :(

Today I actually had to attend a 2-year old birthday party. I was actually really thinking about going but then I realize that I will not know most of the Indonesian guests and I hate the awkward social situation. I also know for sure that certains Indonesians just don't go well with me. I know it's weird of me to say this but really it's just like that. Not all Indonesians are as fun as my best buddies. It's just a matter of being able to click and sometime I feel I don't click easily with Indonesians. Geez, another whole page of things just come to my brain but I will not write it now. So anyway, I just said to the mother inviting me that I've been feeling under the weather. I just want to rest at home which is true. It's been a demanding week this week. I arrived Monday and I only unpacked my suitcase on Wednesday and also there's the whole shitty thing and the bit of flu (I've been self medicating). It so happened that la Gioia was also asking if I wanted to do the tree top walk today after class. I had to say no even though it's something I want to do. I just want to spend today and tomorrow catching up with the tv series I've been missing. It's been awhile since I have a free weekend. The last many weekends had been spent trying to (hopefully) enrich (literally) myself. So now, I'm just gonna stop writing, eat a chocolate bar and watch House and Grey's Anatomy in my cold room. It's been really long. Hmm, I am in need of some nice ice creams or cakes since life has been sucky this week and I think it will continue to be so in many weeks or months to come. I wish your days are much better and happier. Buonanotte tutti!

:) eKa @ 7:41:00 PM •

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