On Life - 021010

Hello guys, how are you doing? I am kinda very drained right now but I haven't written anything for so long so I feel that I should write something. As if you care, right? Anyway, what's been going on that I haven't been writing? Err ... nothing much? I haven't been watching any movies since the last time I wrote and so that's one reason why I haven't written because normally I would write about the movies that I watched. There were some socializing going on in the past 3 weeks. Did make it to the end of the world (for me), to Pasir Ris for a barbecue session with the Saturday's people which unfortunately wasn't attended by much of the Saturday people :( Then I did meet up with 2 people whom I haven't seen for a long time. Oh this reminded me that, there was a week in which I was so annoyed by some people that I was like in disbelief and heartbroken with the things they did or didn't do and you know what, I hold my tongue and I didn't say how I really felt. I think it's because somehow I feel that people shouldn't tell you how to behave or feel in a certain situation. Your characters do that for you and I cannot tell people to change their characters, if they sucks ... well they sucks, I hate it but others might love it. Whoaa ... that's me, I can still hold a grudge for a long long time (try forever!).

Alright, enough negativity. On Thursday, me and La Gioia went to what is called A Steamy Literary Event, which I guess is a small celebration of the launch of the book, Love and Lust in Singapore. There were readings of some short stories from the book. How did I get into there, well because I knew 2 people who contributed stories into it, MarChe and D from my Italian class. It was a pretty interesting event. A totally different crowd or community (if I can say that) to the people whom I normally hang out with. Based on the 6 stories which were read, I think the book is pretty interesting. I have gotten the book, signed by those 2 people. D's comment for me was sweet. My classmates are always so nice. Looking forward to reading it.

Speaking of a book, in the 3 weeks since the last post, I finished reading Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. I don't normally read fast because I watch more stuffs than I read. The reason I finished so fast is because it's LM's book, not mine and also because I know I will have Love and Lust to read. I have heard about this book before because Oshie was so into it. However when I read it, I don't think I like it much. Well for one, it kinda sucks that your talent can come to a waste without the right opportunities in your life, which include which family you were born into, what year you were born, race, country, etc. It just seems pretty limiting and demoralizing for me :( But I suppose in a way it supports the notion that there's such thing as God or the higher power which controls how your life is written because no matter how much potential or talent you have, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be and there's so many factors to make something happens and as much as the book also emphasizes on hard work, there are many other factors beyond our control which affects our success. When Oshie told me about the book, I was kinda in that sad state of mind (months ago) and he was so into the 10,000-hour rule. So I googled about it and I was counting on the hours I have spent in the place I was and I was thinking it was near to that amount and I was thinking didn't I deserve it then? To get out of the "shit hole". Yeah it's not related at all to the book and not even what the book means with the 10,000-hour rule but that's how crazy and stupid my brain is :P Back to the book, it also dedicates quite a portion on cultural legacy which now I kinda use to explain why I think the way I think or why I see things the way I see it. Again, I may deviate from the book because the book also says that it's possible to get cultural legacy out of our systems to make us better in what we suppose to do. But still, for me it's nice to be able to say, I think this way because I am an Indonesian and there's nothing wrong with it :D I don't know if I am making any sense now, or ever?

Talking about being Indonesian and all. I'm going home this Thursday for Emilia's wedding next weekend. Looking forward to go home. Sleeping in my lovely bed! Am I looking forward for the wedding? Man, now that I posed that question, I realize how bitter sweet it feels. At first, I was thinking that with a 5.30 am stand-by call, I am kinda dreading it but aside from that logistic issue, I was thinking that yes, it's bitter sweet. Here's a friend of mine whom I have known for 15 years or so and now she's gonna be a wife and pretty soon (I am sure) a mother (not that she's already pregnant by the way, I feel I need to put that disclaimer). It's a different life from mine, from what I've always known or see we are. It feels kinda sad to me. I kinda wanna say because it feels like mortality is rearing its head on my door but I am just beeing dramatic. It feels sad because she's going into that next chapter of life, which I am sure Dewi and dear cousin Marlisa will follow soon and so being left alone in this singlehood path kinda feels scary. I shouldn't think that way, I know.

Talking about going home, teacher Ben asked a weird question before I went home today. He asked me if people are asking me for money whenever I go home. I was like, hah?!? It's so strange for me and it's strange that I felt it was strange. In Singapore I always get annoyed with the stereotype that Indonesians in Singapore are rich and when the opposite of that notion was being asked to me, I was taken aback. Okay to be fair, his question wasn't exactly the opposite of that stereoptype but it kinda how it felt to me at that time. My answer to that was that my mother still offers me money, so they're not expecting anything from me. I know it's not the most perfect response. I do realize that some of the things I have said in class may have painted me as spoilt, materialistic, and pretty useless but what I said are true. This reminds me of how Mr. N once said, "C'est terrible, Eka" when I said how my mother is still my safety net. To which, I responded, "Non! Ma maman est très gentile!" :D I get Mr N but my mother is that awesome. Maybe I should have clarified more so that I am not perceived wrongly, but most of the time I don't and I do think people may understand and get me wrongly but do I care? I would care if I care much about this people, but we're not there yet :P Back to Mr. Ben. Today we got our test results and I was so disappointed. My result was 88 out of 100. La Gioia told me that I have become like a Singaporean for not being happy about it, but I AM not happy about it. It sucks but as much as I think Mr. Ben is pretty stingy, I do think that I myself sucks. The whole class didn't do amazingly. I was thinking that everyone would be averaging at 85 but it's actually much lower :( So Mr. Ben seems nice on the surface but he is pretty hard to get passed :( Aaaarrrghhh, still not loving it even though I know I do sucks. Had many conjugation errors today. Darn it! I kinda felt so embarrassed about it, which is silly actually. This got me thinking of how many Italian verbs I have forgotten. Try me, throw me an italian verb and ask me to conjugate it, I will most probably get it wrong. Depressing!!!

Hmm, what else to write? I am kinda too sleepy right now. So that's it? I just yawned. Good night peeps. Love you!

:) eKa @ 11:23:00 PM •

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