Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Lamentation of Being Away

I know people who I call friends who think that all I do is complain and I complain way too much, but this is my blog and I should be able to say what I want to say and screw those people who cannot be bothered to listen to me when I need to get things off my chest. I always write long sentence, don't I? It was only 1 sentence up there.

Anyway, many things happened at home this week while I am here and in my life here, I have a week of nothing. Nada! So these are my lamentation of being away. Gonna start with the saddest one.

My uncle (my mom's older brother) passed away *sigh* I haven't gotten the full detail because obviously my mom is busy there. From what I heard, he fell down and became unconscious. He had an operation but he was still unconscious until in the end he didn't manage to pull it through. So that happened on Tuesday and each day from then onwards, I was dreading every sms that I got, fearing that it would be from my mom with a bad news. The message did come yesterday and there's a bit of a gloom and darkness in my world. I am not particularly close with this uncle, not that I am particularly close with any one uncle. But my mom was. It seems like they talked on the phone at least once a day. So I feel it's hard on my mom. Well honestly, I don't know how my mom is taking it. Is she composed and strong like the horse that she is or is she in total shock *sigh* Mom just said that they're flying out to Bangka tomorrow. It seems they decide to bury him there.

It's a shock and I was thinking that I have known many people who died suddenly like this. I prayed hard for this uncle simply because I didn't want my mom to be sad. But what we hoped didn't happen and my faith in God is rather shaken. It's hard to say that all is in God's plan when it seems like things are so unfair. What good things can come out from this? When someone dies so suddenly, you don't get to say goodbye. Your last moment with the person might be not a good one. So it's so unfair. My uncle had 2 children. None of them are married. When I think of my cousin getting married without having her dad around, it's heartbreaking. When I think about them having kids of their own and my uncle wouldn't be there to be proud of that, that's hard. So God kinda sucks right now and I know I shouldn't think this way. These are big moments in my family journey and the fact that I am here and not being able to go through this with my family kinda sucks and is selfish of me. It is selfish not having to go through this woe with them and I feel selfish because I feel rather glad that I don't have to see the sad faces of my mom, aunts, and uncles and hear them cry. Knowing that I feel that way in turn makes me feel bad :( Then it brings into point of how long I am going to do this? How long will I turn away from my family and friends and miss out on these moments in life. Knowing how frail life is and how sudden life can be taken away, do I really want to chase a life that will bring me further from my family? My answer is a selfish one and I DREAD the idea that one day I'm gonna regret it a lot *sigh*

Another big moment I miss this week, my cousin gave birth to her 2^nd child, a baby boy. I missed out when her first child was bornt, missed out on the first birthday of that baby girl, and gonna miss out on her second birthday. When you talk about babies, you miss out a lot in a span of a year. For example, when I first saw her baby girl, she was quite a new born, she was still wrapped in cloth pretty tightly. The next time I saw her, she was already so big and learning to stand. The last time I saw her, she had already learnt how to run a bit and say some words. With me being here, I had also missed out on a lot of weddings of my friends from school. It's just so ... so make me wanna smack my head sometime! Some of them invited my mom in return and my mom was there for those moments, not me. The thing is, I went to the same school for the first 11 years of my education, so there's a lot of story and perhaps bond between these friends and isn't it nice to see how they have changed and grown from when we know them when they were silly and just kids? I wouldn't know actually since aside from a few friends, I haven't seen the rest since I always miss out on gatherings and wedding. But it would be interesting for me to see how they are now *sigh*

So speaking about friends from school. Today the school where I spent 11 years of my life had a bazaar. My friends were there. My teachers were there. To see the pictures posted by my friends in Facebook, I just can only sigh and again feel like I miss out on a lot of things :( Facebook has connected me with many friends from the school and even with my physics/biology/form teacher. When I saw them commenting on my status update, it feels really good, and feels like I still know them as they were. I hope the chance will come to me when I get to see them altogether.

This week, I had the opportunity of having lunch with a girl I got to know for only a few days now. You know, cheerful and bubbly people is kinda weird for me sometime. I remember that one lunch MarChe said, "So being gay (= happy) is a bad thing for you?" :D Well perhaps because I am so subdued so the level of energy that these people project sometime are just so overwhelming for me. Anyway so when this girl asked me for lunch, it did feel weird (since I have only spoken a few words with her) but I went anyway because she is so sweet, funny, and friendly. So this girl is 22 right and I felt that man this girl is so fresh! She being from NUS as well, I even feel that she's like the perfect poster girl for NUS. I have to say that she is so articulate and kinda wise (or perhaps naive which I will discuss later) that it's like a totally different type of species from the other early twenties that I have the opportunity of getting to know. She has a certain maturity that's kinda almost frightening for me. Perhaps since she is also able to point out my negativity spot on *sigh* I was wondering if it's the 5 years difference between me and her that makes us see things differently. She's like so positive, the type of person who speaks about reaching the top of the mountain, flying to the moon, and reaching to the dreams that we all have. She's the "yes we can" in Obama land. The difference between us in seeing things kinda make me wonder what is it that 'cause us to have different feel of life. I wonder if it's just her who still has the naivety about how things work or it's me being already broken with failures in life in the 5 years of life that I have that she doesn't. It sure is good to be able to feel positive like her and I know I was once that girl as well. I was once the girl who climbed mountain (not literally) and felt like soaring to the sky. Something has changed dramatically in me. It's kinda easy isn't it to talk about reaching out to the sky when you are on top? But when you have fallen many times when you climb a mountain, when you realize that you are not even climbing the mountain that you want, somehow those failures have damaged me quite badly. Sometime I think I am a brilliant person who should be achieving more, but most of the time I feel I am not good enough and to feel you are inadequate is so limiting. It's the dark hole I am in and regardless of what people analyze it to be, I have been in this dark hole way longer than many people think *sigh* and you know sometime I just wish people would stop telling me how wrong I have been about this whole thing and instead tell me that things will be alright *sigh*

Pretty depressing post ya? Well I wish you well peeps. Ciao!

:) eKa @ 8:20:00 PM •