of Love (that transpired)

Hello peeps. It's been awhile since I've written. Nothing interesting to say, really. I have been feeling that the weather is very very hot since the moment I woke up this morning. In fact I think I was awoken way earlier than I wanted because the weather was really hot! I guess there are too many people against my wish for rain now. It will make a more interesting F1 race though, don't you think?

I have been keeping to myself a lot these days. Not really liking people much. Have not tried to reach out to people. I think I am even rudely shutting down many people. Yes, I am perhaps selfish. I am just consumed with all the suckyness that I am feeling that I don't even want to look at other people. This is even after some weeks ago I attended a mass in which the priest was like really telling me what God wants me to do. The priest was preaching about how in time of our troubles, we should actually still look at people and help people in trouble because we may find solution in our problems by helping them. However the selfish and stubborn me really feel that people are such a bore! Some of them just need their ego stroked. A lot of them just need to be heard even though they are pretty much saying the same thing over and over again. Many times, I get headache just having to go through such conversation with them. Seriously, how many more ways I can say, you are great, wonderful, things will be okay, pray and have faith in God. I hope none of them are standing at the edge of a bridge right now, which I think they are not anyway. I mean, I feel so unhappy in life right now and yet I don't think I am as depressed as I was once had been. I'm not crying every night. I even haven't cried yet. I guess that's not so bad. I guess I am just trying to suppress and not think about all this negativity that I feel. I know I should actually confront them but I am still running away.

Let's move on. About the title. I just got thinking on my way in the bus today of love that is wasted. I don't want to say love is wasted though because I think love is one thing that we all have that we will never really run out of and just because it was spent on something which doesn't work out, it is not a waste because the process of it all is definitely a valuable learning process, no? This thought came more pronouncedly after hearing what Ms. J wrote about how her heart is broken *sigh* and hearing someone told me that she broke up with his boyfriend amicably after realizing that they were not progressing in their relationship. I told her I felt like I had to say sorry but she said there's nothing to be sorry about.

Was watching parts of Larry King's interview with Tyra Banks yesterday morning. Tyra said that there were many types of abuse - sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse. She was particulary talking about emotional abuse. I realized that perhaps in a way I've experienced that. I guess there was a time in my life when I fell for someone and yet he didn't have any feeling for me, even the slightest care. I think he knew I would be around for him and that I couldn't really say no to him and so he "used" me whenever he needs me for emotional support and made me feel special that he was sharing all these things with me. I realize that it was about him and not really me. Did he even care how I felt, although I've told him. Did he even care about all the sadness that I felt, how my day was. Did he even try to read me on how I felt in my life. Did he even really try to comfort me. He didn't. One may argue maybe he's just not that kind of guy who is able to say nice things but did he even try? I don't think so. I loved him in the beginning of things when he said I don't want you to be sad but I guess it's one of those things he has ready to say to any girl. Right now, I just wish him all the best in life but I cannot bring myself to be his person. It may sound insincere of me, wanting something in return for something that I do for him. But the base of me doing it was because I love him and I know I may not care so much on other people and that's just eating me everytime because you keep on hoping that maybe he'll see you more, in a different light, how great you are, and that he'd love you, but it never happens and you keep on trying and trying and it doesn't happen and it's just sad. I have realized many times that I have to move on. I am pretty contented right now that I have walked away and not walking back. I look back sometime, but I cannot make myself walk back that path. Will I keep on walking and not fall in the useless cycle, I don't know. I hope not. I hope I find someone that wants me and cares for me at the same time. This reminded me of something that eeYORe said to me one time (though he may have forgotten about this). He said how are you to be able to look at other people when your eyes are on this one person all the time. The stubborn me that time said that maybe it could happen. It didn't. I feel now I want people to see me for the wonderful me, to find me and maybe I will see them as well.

Another thing that I want to say is, I guess if you love someone too, you will work on it and I do see on other people that they don't even try. Sometime taking it as it is doesn't really work, you gotta work on it. Since you don't maybe you don't have that much feeling afterall. In the case of Ms. J. She's such a caring and nice person and so I really hope she doesn't fall into the same cycle as mine. God, we are such wonderful girls, truly we deserve someone who deserve us, no? I replied to her that I'm trying to amen to one of U2's lyrics, what you don't have, you don't need it now. So I don't have that guy, not gonna have babies like many people my age that I know seem to be popping easily right now. Maybe because God sees that I don't need it now, maybe also because He sees that I am still that selfish and unwilling to share. I mean in my life right now, I don't really compromise. I do things that I want, my way. If you and me suppose to do something together and our interests are not aligned, I will say I do this on my own and you do that on your own, let's go our different path. I really don't compromise and I act like I don't need anyone. I have been able to do many things on my own and so I do perhaps unconciously or conciously think I don't need anyone. Yes, it is a lonely existence but so far I haven't died yet of loneliness. Oh well. I have blabbered nonsense way too much, ya? Take care peeps.

:) eKa @ 8:53:00 PM •


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