Saturday, June 14, 2008

Of Wedding and Friends

Went to Nyile's wedding today. Left Saturday's engagement half way to be there. Luckily the church was pretty much just next door. Of all the weddings that I've been in my adult life, this was perhaps one in which I was seriously kinda excitedly happy for the groom. I don't know why, maybe his happiness spread. He was in such glee when he was walking down the aisle, grinning widely. Maybe also because I was reminded of the Kent Ridge days that we spent and it felt really good to see that he got his happiness, that he managed to successfully cross 1 major task in his life to do list. He was quite emotional at the wedding. I think he was in tears in many of the high points. Kinda funny in a cute way for me because for as long as I know him he's more like the joker type. His wife on the other hand looked pretty strong throughout it all. I suppose that's what one look in a marriage or relationship, one who can balance you. I am sure they will have their moments in which one would be stronger for the other. Again, I have to say, I'm really happy for Nyile.

With Vivy not being around, I kinda didn't have anyone to hang out with at the wedding. Not that I didn't know anyone there. There were many NUS friends of mine. Somehow perhaps since we don't really keep in touch and people pretty much lead their own different life, it's kinda weird to connect. Somehow people were with some other friends. Back in NUS days, I would perhaps hang out with Felis for example, but apparently now she is with David. Another cute thing for me. I know the 2 separately and never in my mind thought they would be together. So God really has His way. By the way, Felis said that she had difficulty recognizing me when I came. Ah, another person who told me this. Okay, I suppose I do change when I dress up, though I didn't really dress up much today (didn't wear a skirt). Anyway during the wedding I sat in the same row with Copper, who sat next to a girl whom I thought was his girlfriend. Apparently no, he's still as single as I saw him last So in the end, I kinda just hung out with the guys, him including, and Niko, Donikon, and Boom2.

Boom2 is same old same old. Niko was very friendly. We didn't really interact much back in Block A but we talked quite a lot today. He's actually married now. To an Indonesian girl, a friend from primary school. Isn't that cute? Another funny thing how things work out. I'd always thought that he would be the first one of us who would turn to Singapore citizenship and marry a Singaporean, but God has other plans. Donikon is attached and works for an Italian company doing cool stuff. He works in a ship of the shore of Taiwan. Lucky that he's on his break now, that he could attend this wedding. So what they do is, they put pipe under the sea so that gas could flow from one Taiwan city to another. I think it's cool and his working place is cool too, but I am sure that the novelty for me will perhaps die down in 1-2 weeks. As he said, you could only see the ocean and all the crews are guys. No girls there. But the whole thing is cool, don't you think? All these times when we talk about Italian, we always talk about how laid back they are, how they don't seem to take thing seriously and move in a relaxed way, but they really can be a brainy bunch. Ferrari is another example of their awesomeness. So that's the wedding story.

Movies these week were: Kung Fu Panda on Tuesday with NanSee and Sex and the City yesterday with NanSee and la Gioia. Kung Fu Panda was pretty nice. Love the animation and the scenes. Love how cute Po is. He is Jack Black and Jack Black is Po. I think Po is really made for Jack Black. Story wise, it was okay for me. Other than Po, I thought the Shifu was pretty cool as well. Basically it's because he came in a small size and yet so awesome in his kung fu. I think Dustin Hoffman also did a good job in voicing his frustration as the Shifu with Po being selected as the dragon warrior. Overall, it was pretty good. Sex and the City, I really love. I think it was nicely done and I was quite entertained. Yes the movie had many cliche but it would be silly to hope that Sex and the City will give you enlightenment on life questions. For me the movie was not all about love, I find that it was more about friendship and as always (as it had always been) about ladies being strong, independent, and putting their happiness first. Selfish as it may sound, but this series is never one who tell you that you should pin your happiness on that prince charming. As Samantha declared in this movie, her happiness come from a relationship with herself and she putting her first before everything else. I was kinda sad that her relationship didn't last but it was really true to her character in the series. Overall, I love the movie. I'm never the girlie girl but my girlie side seriously came out watching this movie. I love the clothes, shoes, and I do want to have that big closet as well. If only ... if only it's possible.

This week has been okay I think. CELI schedule is out. It will start early, darn it! My preparation is still not good enough or done for that matter. I really need to work harder. Sigh. Ah I almost forget. Ayu has given birth to a baby boy. From the initial picture I saw, he was pretty cute. I thought the name was cool, though I couldn't remember the full name. Only the first name, which is Gibran. I think it was from the poet Kahlil Gibran, I don't know if I am right though. I wonder what they are going to call him in short, Gibby? This week I had a chance to have lunch with MarChe and Lois. Got to know MarChe more. Reason for me writing this unimportant stuff is because I wanted to quote what he said during lunch. He said, "It's easy to go into a relationship, but it's so much more difficult to get out". True, I suppose. Though I've never had experience in that. Let me leave you now with a piece of narrative.

...
I chose the seat by the window. I've always thought the view was awesome and somewhat I wonder what it would be like to sit with him and see the view. It was perhaps not the most beautiful view ever, but it reminded me of my old room where I used to like to sit down by the window at dusk and see the blue sky that never failed to mesmerize me. I brought him dinner. We sat down, looked at each other. There were some silence and we just stared at each other. Perhaps it's been awhile since we last did this that words did not come easily. We passed the how are you, how's life thing. I asked coyly about his love life. Why did I do that? Partly I think because I want to know and perhaps also because I am addicted to pain. Stupid reasoning, I know. I really don't know why I want to hurt myself. I think he hesitated. Maybe he had some brain in there not to hurt me but in the end he relented. That is after he said, "Beg me". "Fine", I said, "Tell me about the girl ... please". So he told me. It wasn't a good ending for him. In a way perhaps I should be happy. But there were details that stirred my inside. He said, "I actually like her" and that made me quite sad.

That story and his need to vent out his feeling led to some stories of his past. Stories which kinda irked me. There and then, I thought, boy, you and me are seriously so different. I don't think we could be together ever because I don't think I can get over this thing about you. How I could have fallen for you was incomprehensible. As we finished our dinner, I told him that the talk was good. It was healthy and enlightening for me. I suppose this sentence and the look in my face (whatever it was) made him rather conscious. We took the long walk to the bus stop. At one junction he said he wasn't being serious about some of the things he said, about his revelation of his lifestyle. In my head I thought dude, why do you have to do this. If you want us to be friends, why do you still care with what I think of you. It's not like you are trying to impress me or anything. I told him, "Why do you need to hide this? I know many thing about you. This doesn't not really surprise me much. I just don't get you. After all this time, why do you still care with what I think?". I would have thought me sticking up to him all this time proves that I have been there regardless of his stupidity and antics. I guess he never really sees me, the wonderful me.

I suppose I fell for the different him. He who wanted to be someone else. I knew a different side of him, a side which made me happy. However he should be a person that he wants to be, a person that he can be happy and comfortable with and unfortunately it's not someone who I could understand or actually accept. I even have difficulty now thinking how I can be friends with a person like this. I guess the answer is, we are just not going to be that close of a friend.

If this is not the definition of "not meant to be", I don't know what is.
...

In Indonesian now.
...
Aku memilih tempat duduk dekat jendela. Aku selalu berpikir pemandangannya indah and aku selalu berpikir bagaimana rasanya untuk duduk bersamanya dan menikmati pemandangan itu. Bukan pemandangan yang paling indah di dunia, tetapi pemandangan ini mengingatkanku akan kamarku yang dulu di mana aku sangat suka duduk di tepi jendela saat matahari mulai terbenam dan melihat birunya langit yang selalu membuatku kagum akan Tuhan. Aku bawakan dia makan malam kita. Kita duduk, memandang satu sama lain. Ada saat-saat hening di mana kita hanya melihat satu sama lain. Mungkin sudah lama sejak kita terakhir makan bersama, sehingga kata-kata tidak datang dengan mudah. Basa-basi pun lewat, bagaimana kabarmu, bagaimana hidup. Aku bertanya dengan segala keingin-tahuan tentang kehidupan cintanya. Mengapa aku lakukan itu? Mungkin karena aku sangat ingin tahu, mungkin juga karena aku ingin rasa sakit itu. Alasan yang bodoh, aku tahu. Aku tak tahu kenapa aku ingin menyakiti diriku. Aku rasa awalnya dia ragu. Mungkin otaknya berkata jangan sakiti dirinya, tetapi akhirnya dia menyerah, setelah dia berkata, "Ayo, mohon dulu!". "Baiklah", kataku, "Cerita tentang cewek kamu ... ayo". Lalu mulailah ceritanya. Bukan kisah yang indah untuknya. Seharusnya aku senang, tetapi ada bagian dari ceritanya yang menusuk hati. Dia berkata, "Aku sebenarnya benar-benar suka dia" dan itu membuatku cukup sedih.

Ceritanya dan keinginannya untuk mencurahkan rasa hatinya membawa kita ke cerita tentang masa lampaunya. Cerita yang membuatku sangat kecewa dan sedikit kesal. Saat itu aku berpikir, 'nak, kamu dan aku sangat berbeda sekali. Aku rasa kita tak mungkin bersama karena aku rasa aku tidak akan bisa membiarkan ini tentangmu lewat. Bagaimana aku pernah jatuh hati kepadamu sangatlah sukar untuk dimengerti. Kita pun selesai makan, dan aku bilang ke dia kalau obrolan ini bagus, menyehatkan dan sangat membuka mata untukku. Aku rasa kalimat ini dan ekspresi mukaku (apapun ekspresi mukaku saat itu) membuat dia tersadar. Kita lalu berjalan cukup jauh ke halte bis. Saat di persimpangan, dia berkata dia tidak serius tentang beberapa hal yang dia katakan tentang hidupnya. Dalam kepalaku, aku berpikir, 'nak kenapa kamu harus berkata seperti ini. Kalau kamu ingin kita berteman, kenapa kamu peduli dengan apa yang aku pikirkan tentangmu. Kamu kan tidak berusaha untuk membuatku kagum tentangmu. Aku bilang kepadanya, "Kenapa kamu berasa kamu harus menutupi ini? Aku sudah tahu banyak tentangmu. Ini tidak terlalu mengagetkan. Aku suka nggak ngerti kamu. Setelah banyak hal, kenapa kamu masih peduli dengan apa yang aku pikir?". Aku pikir, selama ini aku berdiri di sampingnya sudah merupakan bukti bahwa aku selalu ada untuknya meski dia suka bodoh dan aneh. Aku rasa, dia tak pernah benar-benar melihat aku, aku yang luar biasa baik ini.

Aku rasa, aku jatuh hati kepada dia yang berbeda. Dia yang saat itu ingin menjadi seseorang yang berbeda. Aku tahu sisi dia yang lain, sisi yang membuatku tersenyum bahagia. Tetapi dia harus menjadi orang yang bisa membuat dia bahagia, dia harus senang menjadi dirinya sendiri. Sayangnya, itu bukanlah orang yang bisa aku mengerti atau mungkin terima. Aku bahkan mempunyai kesulitan melihat bagaimana kita bisa menjadi teman sekarang. Aku rasa jawabannya adalah kita tak akan menjadi teman yang dekat sekali.

Kalo ini bukan definisi, "nggak jodoh", aku nggak tahu lagi deh.
...
'nak = anak

Decided that if I ever write a book, I will write the English and Indonesian version myself. Though my Indonesian is perhaps not so awesome anymore, with many spelling errors and weird sentences.

:) eKa @ 10:15:00 PM •