Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Selfish Loneliness

Went for dinner with Starfish, La Gioia, NanSee, Gascoigne, Yen, and Lois. It was basically the same group of people with the addition of Yen. The last time we met was in January, so it is around 3 months later that we convene again. Dinner was basically (my personal reason) to give Starfish's his birthday present which I had had since Chinese New Year and I suppose it's good to meet everyone else as well and give salutation (I'm in a mood to write in poetic English, though I wonder how poetic I can be).

Starfish's present was a batik painting which I bought in Soekarno-Hatta airport. I bought 2, the other one would be for Dagi. I was right to say that not many people would appreciate it because Gascoigne was dumbfounded seeing it, wondering what it was, and what purpose it can serve. Typical him. I was rather disappointed that it wasn't really big, but I suppose if it's framed, it will look rather nice. Anyway it was hand painted, so I thought it was pretty cool. If I had a house of my own, I would love to have these kinda things on my wall.

Dinner was okay. It was at Fish and Co Paragon. I think I would choose Manhattan Fish instead the next time I'm in the mood for seafood. The only thing that Fish and Co has which I think is better than Manhattan Fish was the rice, because I don't fancy the garlic rice that Manhattan Fish serves, though I know people like la Gioia is a fan. Then we had desserts at Swensens because I needed to eat more. I've decided that the next time I go to Swensens, I will try the sticky chewy chocolate. I think I have enough of coit tower. I think conversations went crazier in Swensens

Topic of last night was mainly relationship and love and such. I suppose I was pretty bad for bursting the balloon (is there such analogy?) of news that Starfish was perhaps not willing to share just yet. But Eka just started with her unkind interrogation and now everyone saw the picture I think Starfish is pretty lucky. One can't help feeling sad that such thing does not happen to me. However, as often happen that I am enlightened by pop / rock songs, this week I was enlightened by Bono. One morning on the bus, Beautiful Day from U2 was playing in my iPod and this particular lyric jumped out, "What you don't have, you don't need it now". Okay, anyway, I like to think that I still need to learn to stand on my own and be stronger. I don't know, I just really feel that there's a need for me to be stronger, though I know it comes with building thicker and higher walls. Talking about walls, I just got reminded of Astley and how right he was when he pointed that I have so much walls, that me opening up is not in all sincerity And so that's my Selfish Loneliness which Starfish coined and the peeps laughed (perhaps) in agreement Well the walls may crumble down someday ... or it may not

Anyway, with all the talk yesterday, I realize that I was heartbroken and still am heartbroken. The one who broke my heart was actually me myself but no matter what, logically I cannot deny that it was a necessary move. "Going with the flow" was just not working for me. Anyway the point is, it still hurts *sigh* Sent an email to Vivy today and her answers was that I am perhaps one of those people who need a "new thing" to get me over with this, which is exactly the thing that I don't want to happen. I just wish this could eradicate itself. I am perhaps not trigger happy in my life, but at least I don't want to be sad and I'm kinda sad right now *sigh*.

Kinda miss the Mr. Miss getting and reading those long mails, but I myself don't have time to write long mails to him. When it started, he had already given me his objection and I suppose it's my fault, I eluded myself. I know what he will say, "flush!".

:) eKa @ 9:36:00 PM •