Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Demise

*sigh* I don't know how to begin. Don't know if I can last writing this. Everyone had written many beautiful things about the pet uncle who left us so suddenly. I'm having difficulties writing the sentences.

Choose the title of the post because of what the bapak used as the subject of the email he sent us to tell us the news. I thought the email subject was like one of a chapter title from Harry Potter. It's kinda nice actually, kinda had a heroic feel to it. I got the news from the ibu on Wednesday after lunch and I didn't actually cry straight away. I guess I'm just built differently, I don't know. Maybe the news didn't really sink in yet. It took me around half an hour later to cry and yet I didn't cry much, somehow I just felt there's a need for me to keep it strong. Cried so much more than I expected during the funeral. After the funeral, I kinda thought that that was it, no more tear 'cause I have let go but I found myself crying really hard yesterday afternoon. The tears just couldn't seem to stop and now they are forming again. I shouldn't cry, because I don't believe you should cry much for someone who died. It's all in God's plan, so you have to be acceptant about it and I know for sure he would think that I have cried way too much and I am being way too dramatic. It's not that I am not letting go, but memories just come one after another and to write about him means having to remember those times. It's important for me to write this so that I can really move on. So let my memories of him come, how random they may seem.

His funeral was at his hometown and you can see mountains from his house. I thought it was kinda cool and nice. I was thinking that I don't recall him ever telling me that.

I remember seeing him sitting at the front, I think it was his first day. I remember going down the lift with him because we were going to that place in Woodlands. He was telling me his background. I was thinking why the need for such formality. I remember sitting in the taxi with him. I asked him about his name because it sounded so girlie. He told me how it came about, at that time I didn't know the person he was referring to, now I'm gonna try to download the songs. The first "herd" he encountered was mine, a fact that he surprisingly remembered because he mentioned it again in one of our conversation. I remember the BK lunch afterwards. There was a joke he told me which I couldn't really remember the detail, about a prayer before a meal that he had to do because his friends asked him to

I remember the Saturday at the park. The one and only Saturday I have ever spent there. It was in September 2006, we both wrote something about it in our blogs. I remembered sitting down together for my Starbucks lunch and we started talking about life. Found out a few things about him, about his life, and how I was thinking how he had gone through a lot and I am so lacking behind in the whole life experience. He wrote in his blog that he was so happy to see me. So happy! God ... I guess that day I just felt that there's a certain degree of loneliness that we both can relate to, being here alone. From his room, he turned up the volume of his speaker and asked me to identify a song. It's They from Jem. I wasn't really fond of the song but I guess the lyric was really meaningful. I gave him that song.

I was reading our msn log yesterday and it caused me to cry as much as I am now. Our last long conversation there was in April 2007. It started off normal. He asked if he was being protective of everyone and I said yes and he said he wanted everyone to be happy. I believe you can't always make everyone happy but now I realize that you can try, just like what he had done. He said he'd been reading my blog and he said I was talking about moving on. I told him that I always said such stuff. He said that maybe he would be the one who make the first step. He said you'd never know right. Yes, indeed. Feel like shouting at him now and say you idiot!!! How can you leave me like this. I guess if the farewell had been more well prepared, when we get to sit down one more time and have our good conversation and I could give him a cool farewell goodie bag, if we could say take care, everything would be alright, everything would be good in our life, if we had just made each other sure that we'd be alright, then I wouldn't cry this much. But no point thinking of things that we could have done, things we wish we could do. We have to let go, right?

He said he missed starfish. He was saying about the time the 3 of us fight the world. I said yeah, amazingly we did it. Now that 3 people have been reduced to me. Yes, now there are so many others, but God, I still couldn't find that someone that I can go to and just talk. I miss starfish and now I am more alone than ever. He really fought hard for me and starfish. I remember the coffee break in which me and starfish talked about my unexpected finding. He fought really really hard for our well being. I'll be forever grateful. I remember he called me on a public holiday (but I couldn't remember which one) all the way from KL to give me a piece of news which he thought would make me feel so happy. He was excited about it. I remember saying thank you and I was stunned that he made the call all the way from there on a public holiday which he could use for other things. There's just some things that I could only confide to him. I made a call to him earlier this year and he took time out from his dinner to hear me out and reassured me that everything was alright. He thought I killed someone because I said it was quite urgent

In our last msn talk, he confided to me about someone. That time I was laughing hard about it because I didn't expect that he would actually say what he felt and thought and I didn't expect that those were what he felt and thought. I said maybe he thought too much into it. I guess now he knows the truth If only he can tell me and I can laugh again. I hope he would give comfort to this person. He then reiterated again how he liked all of us. He said it was fun being with us. If you ask him why he was still here, he would say because he was happy here with all of us. It was ironic for me because I know a lot of people wouldn't say they are happy here and yet he said he was really really happy here. I'm glad he was though. I'm glad we made him happy. Then that msn conversation turned into relationship issue and woes *sigh*

He always badgered me for a "he". I was actually quite annoyed about it. One time I asked him "Why do you care so much?". It was quite in all seriousness. I wonder if his answer was well thought of or well prepared, he said because my mom is not here, so he had to nag on her behalf. I wonder if the one thing that made him worry the most about me is the lack of a guy. Well ... I always said what can I do about it? It seems like a task now though, that I have to find that guy. I do hope that I end up with someone and when I do, I'll remember him and say see I end up with a very nice guy and I am as happy as you hope I would be, that I am not so alone anymore. Wait okay, wait for awhile more, or now maybe you can use your divine connection to help me find that guy soon. As you said I was so nice and who wouldn't like your Eka

We celebrated his birthday this year. Irony, he never wanted to celebrate his birthday and this year we kinda "enforced" it on him. I remembered some details from that dinner. A few days later he came to my table and told me he was so happy about it. I said oh really? He said yes, really really yes. I'm glad that he did, that he was really happy. I hope that helped resolved an issue in his life. He then told me about another relationship woes *sigh* Ahh ... this part I wouldn't write it here.

Then we had our last good conversation, May 2007. I mentioned it in this blog. We had a walk. Walking with him would take a different route with what I would usually take with other people. We had a walk and stopped at a place where we once stood also to talk about other stuffs. I forget what was it that we wanted to talk about that day but it turned into another relationship talk (again!) I kinda couldn't believe that it came to that again, but I really enjoyed the talk. We were using fireworks and bonfire to represent types of relationships I think we did quite well in explaining it. I think he mentioned that yes I was, quite mature. I think he did say this in more than 1 occasion. Coming from him make me feel happy but despite this, I told him that I still want to have fireworks He confided to me a few stuffs ... not really happy things but I hope he could give comfort and peace to these people, somehow tell them that things will be alright in their lives. Knowing him, I am sure he would be at peace about it, because he always gave his all sincerely.

So that was it, that was my last good conversation with him. If I have any regret, that would be not having another of that good conversation, one last time to make sure that we are all okay and we will be alright. I may not be as close to him as other people are, but I am glad to have known him, to have had the chance to have talks with him, to have had those small private moments with him. Ah I got reminded of the watermelon juice we had on May 15, 2007. It was a big glass and was very sweet. We were talking about the unexpected finding I encountered that morning (what is it with me and the printer) I am truly honored that he trusted me with certain issues and valued my opinion. Truly truly honored. I will not lie and say that everything was always good between us. We had our disagreement. I'm sure dealing with me had not always been smooth sailing but I'm glad to say that we would always end up okay and talking and that really says a lot about him or perhaps our relationship. Me who hold grudges would end up always talking to him again and I hope we'll get to do that again someday. I like to think that he just leaves for a better place and this time he doesn't have to worry if he had closed the water tap For the million times, he had closed it. It's all settled and we too, will be alright. We all will be alright. I have stopped crying now. God, I cried way too much. This is the last time, I promise. Let me leave now with a piece of the lyric from the song I gave him.

And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

Jem - They

:) eKa @ 7:07:00 PM •