Monday, July 23, 2007

of Being Responsible (or trying to be)

Hello people. Nothing interesting to tell actually. Had a second serving of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix alone last week. Was feeling rather stressed out so I went alone and I loved the solitude. Been having some of those alone moments this week and this coming week as well. It felt rather miserably lonely but right at the same time. Somehow I really feel it is of the utmost importance that I should be able to be with myself. Did have dinner at Manhattan Fish last week with some people though. Don't feel like disclosing the names. After the dinner I ended up waiting for the taxi that never came and ended up in the bus that I didn't want to take. Was very tired. I'm pretty tired these days.

Moving on, I haven't gotten my Deathly Hallows just yet and the Mr is not getting it for me, which was not surprising actually I will be floored if he does. It's okay, kinda promised myself that I would get it myself when the Mr got me Bloomsbury The Half Blood Prince 2 years back because I want the nice scholastic (US edition) kids version and I'll be getting it in Borders since they're the only place which sell it in Singapore. I don't think I will be able to read it soon though, quite in a responsible mode these days (hence the title) and so I have to dedicate my time for other things. Anyway, I haven't finished re-reading The Order of the Phoenix so basically I still have some things stacking up.

My brother finally graduated from the Uni. Mom and dad went to his graduation on Saturday. I heard it was a long affair. I was thinking that it's pretty cool of my mom and dad to witness 2 graduation ceremonies in different countries. I wonder if a thought came to their head, thinking that they made it, they have managed to bring up the kids from the small babies into 20-year-old something people. I guess another thought would quickly sink in that their kids are still morons. My present for the bro reached home safely but he still hasn't gotten it. He asked for it to be kept at home first. Kinda disheartening to think that that petite pretty thing is still kept in the box and not seeing the light of the day. When I think about how small it is, I'm just loving my big one

Slept at 4 am Saturday night or Sunday morning actually. That's 1 hour off my predicted schedule. Was fixing some stuff and ... oh well ... it was painful but it had to be done. I was thinking of the people I did it for and how they were perhaps awake as well, but instead they were pouring over Harry Potter and I had to clean their mess. Of course in a way, I have to be the adult one and not complaining but one do get pissed off with the disregard and here I am still waiting for the missing pieces which those ungrateful idiots refuse to acknowledge. Ah ... apparently I am in an angry mode.

Jase found out something about me today which prompted him to ask me "So why are you here?". To which I could only reply "Ask God". There were times when I was losing reason. I think I haven't found that "reason" back and the only reason why I wasn't really bugged about it now is because there's just too many other things that distract me. Unfortunately it is very true. I can't find any reason, really. The same way I cannot find any reason why I should stay in Singapore, sigh.

Vivy asked me what was the butterfly-like prints on the sand of the picture I posted for the Bintan trip. It's actually sand balls that the little crabs made when they dig their holes. So there were many little sand balls surrounding their small holes. Magnificent really and I said my head got to thinking to the point of existence when I look at the picture. Why? Because those crabs spent time digging and in the process creating those patterns only to be destroyed hours later by people walking around or by the wave. So what's the point I wonder? But that's just how their lives are? I wonder if they find meaning in it, I hope they do. I wonder if people see me and wonder what's the point of me doing what I am doing. Sadly I won't be able to give them satisfying answer. I just hope that I have done my best because at least doing your best is in God's path. Of course the most worrying thing for me is not being in God's path in the first place because that would make me so wrong regardless of how hard I tried to make it work. Oh listen to yourself, Eka! Take care peeps, a close up picture of the crab's holes.

:) eKa @ 8:27:00 PM •