[untitled] - 26/05/07

Feel hungry as I am writing this. It's quite late and why am I not sleeping? I think it's because I'm restless. Just finished (well I decided that it's finished) writing the codes to kill the tortoise in Il Gatto's car racing frenzy. Now that I think of it, I hope that is what he wants me to do. Not following instruction do frustrate me a whole lot. Anyways, his codes are so complicated that in this hour and day, I can't bring my brain to digest it. That got me thinking, I stick to the basic, to simplicity because I can understand what I write and I need to understand what I write instead of getting it from other places. However, I may not grow much as a result of that.

Apparently on other area, I do not stick to the basic. Ah, non penso come un' italiana e perciò la mia scrittura non era bene. I've got my test's result. It's C A B B. The C was expected but was still a real bummer for me. I can't really count the A because I think it's sheer luck. The Bs are ... well ... let's just say that I'm pretty disappointed with the result. It's pretty much expected and a true representation of how I fair, but I guess you are often get moronic, wanting to have so many things and not having that reality check. Anyways, more or less I think everyone are in the same place. Carl vince una borsa di studio in Italia per l'anno prossimo. Lei è molto felice. Vuole gridarlo al tutto mondo. Duh! Can you blame her? Surprisingly I wasn't really jealous or envious. Stupidly, I have to kinda process am I envious? The correct answer is yes, but not really feeling it. I guess being depressed kinda drain you of emotion and yes, today I feel rather depressed. Not so sure why actually. The test? the loneliness? I just feel restless today and I want to shout "GOD DAMN IT!!!"

Yesterday I actually felt rather happy though it did start rather sad because Vivy had left (and arrived). Then yesterday went on and I survived it pretty okay, I suppose. So I ended it feeling accomplished and I felt happy about it. Today is a real opposite. I guess, yes, right, you can only live happily ever after on a day to day basis. Had an interesting talk with the pet uncle yesterday. If I am in a better state of brain I would write more details. Yesterday, I felt like I was in a confession because the normal conversation turned to other directions and revelation was told. Aaah...I felt honored to be trusted but many thoughts came to my head. How I have to really keep it to myself and not talking simply because of the shocking nature of the content (please note the things discussed weren't tagged "keep it to yourself" however I do practice common sense). These last few days and weeks, I've felt somewhat betrayed by people who talk and somewhat implicate me. They can have their argument and this and that, but I just want peace and with words being said here and there and with my name in it, I just feel that I want to get lost (since they ain't). Another thing about the things people told me, aaahh...sometime those shocking things are just too much for me, hence why now I feel rather tired hearing stories. Always start with normal things that turn into deeper stuff. I guess that's what friends are for? Okay.

I guess now I'm just in a really selfish mode that I want someone to care for me. I don't need all those crappy things that people say, "Whatever it is that you want to say, I will be here for you". Yeah right?!? I want someone to come to me and ask "My dear, are you okay?". Ha! The uncle and me want the same things

Today I found out from Dewi about the psycho who is bugging my cousin and her. So freaky! I feel pissed hearing the story and seeing the evidence. Seriously feel like hunting down the guy and smack the living daylight outta him. Called mom today and she asked me an annoying question which becomes annoying because of the so many people asking me this. Aaaaarrrghhh ... it's like such an unimportant detail in my life right now. I want other things, so this one is not really in my head so much right now. Ask God people, don't ask me.

1 am now and I still don't want to go to sleep. "want" is the operative word. I just feel so restless and I just don't want to sleep.

:) eKa @ 11:55:00 PM •

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