Tuesday, September 13, 2005

We Are Not Playing Chess, Or Is It still Chess?

After successfully getting myself sick for weeks, I think I also successfully damage my mental state. Feel really not well mentally today. I think it all started Sunday night. I'm just gonna summarize what happen on Sunday night. I once read this booklet from NUS about the things to expect as an international student. Of course, I didn't really read the thing fully, but I read this part about international students normally get a shock when they return home. It is because things were not as we remember it to be when we left. When we left home, things still go on as they used to, as they suppose to. Yes, people would miss us, but they also must go on with their lives and carry on with the hustle bustle of lives. But then that Sunday night, I felt that people are so used to doing things without me, that I felt forgotten and insignificant *sigH* Honestly as selfish as this may sound, but I do get pissed off if people wouldn't give time for me when I come home. Come on, I can not spend much time at home, so can you like get out of your routine for a while. I mean you've been doing your things for quite some time; can't you give some time for ME? That wasn't really the case though on that Sunday night. On Sunday night, I just felt that I was not longer counted or being considered for certain things. It's not like they try to change their so-called plans to include me, but I was somewhat being told to be at fault because I couldn't accommodate them. I really couldn't shake that off. Still feeling kinda sad and angry this morning when I wake up. The bible and so many things have been written about never go to sleep still feeling angry or don't still be angry when the sun sets. Well, following that, I would not sleep, nor would the sun set on my account, but again who cares?!? The sun will still set and everything will still go on as usual, no matter what I feel. Argh...I want to scream!

Let's move on to the title then. Chess, why the title? Because after a heavy conversation this morning, I just feel that life is not like playing chess, when you make your move based on what your opponent do, or in this case of life, based on what your friends make. However, is it still chess? Courtesy of Joan of Arcadia, the main character, Joan, in one of her conversation with "God", they were discussing about chess and life. God corrected her when she said that when she played chess, she based her move by what her opponent did. God said that she should never do that because if she did it like that, she wouldn't be in control. Just play the games the way you want it to be played. It may look chaotic but things will work out.

I honestly don't know why I do the things that I do, like why I did such a moronic act this afternoon. I don't know if I am right, or does it matter to be right? What is right? What defines it. I was talking to Ayu this morning and told her, how come I'm this old and I'm still clueless about things. It's so difficult to understand what is happening, because I don't understand. I don't even know if I am happy. It's just like there's no guidance, there are no criteria to define whether things are enough, things are correct, and so on. How do you know when you just whine too much? Or if you have done more that no more can be given? How do you know that you really need to make a move? Or you should stay put? Do what your heart tells you to do? What if your heart lies? Or what if you can't hear what your heart says? Do you know that your heart also has a protective mechanism to protect you so that you wouldn't feel hurt? I am afraid that I'm not doing the right thing. I'm so afraid that I'm just scared of things and I have done God wrong, because I'm not doing what He wants me to do because I'm scared, because it's not comfortable, because it's new, because I would be alone? How strange is it? Being afraid of being afraid? Fix me.

:) eKa @ 9:27:00 PM •