Monday, December 13, 2004

Que Sera Sera

It started last Friday evening. I got a news which made me quite upset. Actually I shouldn't feel that way. I know it was out of my control and things like that happen and I should just accept it with an open heart. However, all that I could feel was disappointment. I was basically so pissed off. Saturday morning, I woke up still with full consciousness of what's going to happen. Watched Touched by an Angel and I finally had my first break down since last April. The nun in the story was telling a boy who was going to bomb the school that he actually wanted to die so that the pain would go away. At that time, I thought that was exactly how I feel. All this time I was telling you guys about how I want to disappear, how I don't want to feel, it's really because of I don't want to feel all these stupid things inside me. So I cried. They never go away. All the disappointment, sadness, fear, and anger are still pretty much inside me. Though I could give people a smile, the truth is, I am a very disturbed girl. They never go away. They are there, they will hide sometime but they will just come back again. I know the only way to get all of these things to go away is just to release them. To let go. To be divine, let go, and never turn back *sigH* Couldn't really cry for long because I had to do my christmas shopping. Went to Orchard and bought the things that I had to buy. Made my way to Borders. I wanted to buy Jay Z and Linkin Park's Collision Course and Linkin Park's From the Inside book. Got the CD but the book doesn't seem to be in Singapore yet Hopefully I could get it before...well before I'm running out of time I bought another copy of The Alchemist. Though I'm not so sure if I will eventually give it to the person who I want to give it to. If not, I've already had another person in mind.

Talked to my folk Saturday night. Well, with my dad it was more an argument rather than a conversation, and since I was so pissed, it only lasted less than 5 minutes. The thing is, when someone point your fault right at your face, you will most probably dislike it, and that's what happened with my dad. He was so spot-on, but he didn't wrapped the annoying truth in sweet words and that's why I kinda took it so badly, plus I wasn't in my happiest state either. So I talked to mom. Had a really long comforting conversation and the thing that had never happened since last April happened again that night *sigH* I miss my mom and I kinda feel that she misses me too. Looking at our conversation, I kinda feel it to be a bit amazing. I guess our relationship has evolved as we grow older. She's a mom. She's my mom and I love her.

This morning was feeling much more in the "acceptance" mode compared to last Saturday, but still not fully all smiley. Then God give me a present through a kind lady who gave me a little present. She said that it was just a little something, as christmas is coming. I've got my first christmas present, people. I don't know what it is, I haven't opened it. First thing that came to my mind receiving it was that I'm loved. God loves me and He's just telling me that everything will be alright, that He's going to take care of me no matter where I am, that He will give me people who will care for me. I always thought that's how God shows that He loves us so much. He gives us people who love and care for us. Unfortunately I'm not all that loving. I just broke Lukman's heart. I think no sorry will ever be enough. Yesterday he was begging me to go to BLeRAF outing. I didn't want to (notice the small e there). In the end, I felt so bad that I said yes, for Thursday. He didn't read properly (we were talking in msn) that he thought I could make it this evening. Just now I told him that I couldn't and he said that he's going to just cancel it. I hope he wouldn't, I hope they would just go and have the freakin' dinner. Things won't be more fun even if I'm around. It may even go less fun with me around. Quoting what Lukman said yesterday : "but its our responsibility ... to prove our existence to them..". If only he knew that I don't really wish to show my existence. I would prefer to just be gone *sigH* I'm such a drama bitch. Okay, it seems it's gonna rain soon, so I shouldn't go to Esplanade area and see Botero's sculptures? Well, I didn't plan it, it's just something that suddenly came in mind. That's the beauty of being alone, you can go and wander on your own. I'm sorry. I just feel I need to say I'm sorry, 'cause no matter what, I usually feel it's all my fault *sigH*

:) eKa @ 3:29:00 PM •