Thursday, October 28, 2004

Setahun Kemarin

...di ujung jalan itu setahun kemarin...

This blog is 1 year old today. I don't even feel it. A year has gone by and it's like I'm still trying to figure out my day, every day. Trying to find my rhythm, trying to find the routine, and feel it. Well, actually the routine is there, the schedule, and all, and to be honest these last few days (or weeks perhaps) I seriously want to run, to hide, to cave, to die? I was feeling so tired at people and I just want to be left completely alone without anyone else. Hey, that sounds so like last year.

This time last year, I was feeling something like that too. However, today is much better than 28 October 2003. I am mentally better. You may say that I don't sound that well now, but compared to last year, I am seriously much better now. This time last year, the worst time of my life (so far) was starting to take their form. All the dark feeling described in a Linkin Park's song were totally what I felt (and that was also perhaps the reason why I could relate to Linkin Park). Let me try to describe what I felt last year: betrayal, hypocrisy, weakness, stupidity, desperation, sadness, anger, sorrow, madness, emptiness, void, loneliness, worry, lost, despair, confusion, lie, dead. Geez...Writing that really brings back the memory of things that made me so upset (upset is such a soft word to describe how I really felt, but I can not think of another word now). The difference that I have today is that I am free from something that somewhat had put me down quite a lot. So silly! When the freedom came, I actually kinda asked not to go. That was truly one of the silliest and most embarrassing thing that I had done in my life (Dewi would say: "I've told you so"). Another thing was, one thing was given to me by God that lifted my worries a bit.

I do have to say that not all things are better now. Still feeling the hypocrisy and the lie. I just want to say that I am a good person and I know what is the right thing to do if I were in your situation. Do not think for once that you, not doing what politely you were supposed to do made me to be the bad person for not coming to you and embracing you. The courtesy should come from your side, not mine. I'm carrying this guilt, thinking that I might be the arrogant one here but you know what? I know for sure, if you were in my situation you would actually do the same and you might cursed too. I'm not cursing you, but damn it, it hurts!!! No matter how many people trying to tell me that you were the wrong and I did the right thing, I question myself and I hate that. I hate people who made me not sure and unhappy about myself.

*sigH* If only I have the guts to shout this to the people whom I want to shout this at *sigH* This post is not supposed to be such an angry and depressing post but if I have to think about last year, all those feeling just come back. They are not gone. They are just suppressed by the good things I've been receiving. Anyway, I just want to ensure you that today is okay. Right now my life is totally much better compared to last year. I have to thank God for it. He has shown me that people can still be kind to me. I thought I was going to die because of the madness but God pulled me out in time. Thank you so much God. I hope I can write nicer and happier posts in the future because who knows perhaps it would make people think of You too.

...melangkah pergi...berteman sepi...

:) eKa @ 3:42:00 PM •