Friday, March 14, 2025

43

Turn 43 today. Just as years passed, there's nothing special planned. I suppose it's perhaps a little bit sadder than years passed because I don't even have the whole day for myself today. I am thankful though for my good friends who remember and wish me a happy birthday. That feels good. As opposed to the shitty feelings that I couldn't shake. I went to sleep yesterday feeling anxious about things, praying to God to help me and save me and I woke up feeling the same. A realization came this morning that this feeling of mine is not unique; I'm sure there's millions and millions of people on this earth who feel the same and looking at my life, I do realize that though I spend many days of the year with overwhelming anxiety, there are a few days where I managed to do good things for myself and those days were indeed wonderful. It's just I just wish I don't have to feel so in distress everyday, you know.

Being that I like odd number better than even number, I like 43. Let me tell you about the weird thoughts in my head. I was thinking I only have a few days where I'm undebatably 43. That is because the 18th is my Chinese birthday and my mom who uses this calendar would pronounce I'm 44. For her I've been 43 all along. If I've been crazier and more irresponsible, I would I suppose go nuts and celebrate being 43 in these few days in over-the-top ways, alas I'm not. Then another thing that came to my head is like - did you all read the article about a research that found we don't age gradually but there are two points where we really dramatically change and it's around the age of 44 and 60? So I was like thinking, this is like the last year before I go old and I start to wonder what that will be like, will I really really look older :( Looking old has never been a concern of mine, I guess because many people say I look younger for my age and to know that next year that might not be so anymore, I guess now I start to miss being younger already. Recently I took an ID photo and I happened to have a photo from maybe more than 10 years ago, then I realize there are changes, I do look older, so I have actually been aging and that is kinda sad. Also sad is me feeling sad about growing older - that is so silly.

So me in my days, trying to stay above the water, I realize that I've been living my life in preparation for something. It's like there's just these things to do, these dates, and it's like going from one thing to the next that this is like really the definition of not living in the moment. Even with that realization, my mind cannot stop, knowing all the things I have to go through in the next few months, changes that I dread. I'm trying really not to freak out so much, but the mind cannot stop racing and that's why all the prayers for God to help and save me. Sometime ago someone commented I look Zen, geez he knows nothing. Inside, I'm a thunderstorm of freak-outs :( I can only pray God the merciful and of infinite patience is merciful enough with me and all the things I ask Him at all hours of the day *sigh* There is one good thing that I have planned for next month, hopefully it will run smoothly - this is also another example of me living in preparation for something and even for something good there's still a whole lot of things on the other side of it that get me really really worried. Hopefully for a few days then I'll get to stop and not give a fuck about things and just live in the moment for me. Anyways, I'm gonna leave you with what Copilot gave me. I love that it's kinda silly and I am a silly girl.

:) eKa @ 3:08:00 PM • 0 comments