Monday, February 24, 2025
Finished reading Night Watch by Jayne Anne Phillips. It took place during the civil war of America. Initially I had difficulty understanding some of the sentences and terms, but as I got further along and things revealed itself to me, it became very very interesting. The book begins with a girl and her mother being dropped by someone the girl called papa in a lunatic asylum. Then we found out what happened to the girl and her mother, how they ended up in that situation, how papa wasn't the girl's real father. The girl real's father was a soldier for the union who got badly injured that he lost all of his memory. I really had difficulty understanding some of the sentences that up to now I'm not sure if my understanding of the relation between the girl's father and mother is correct. So anyways, somehow they all ended up in the same asylum though they didn't know this yet or we thought they didn't know, we as the reader definitely know and I was getting excited. However, what's supposed to be a happy ending didn't really happen - at least in my opinion. I felt rather sad about the tragedy that happened towards the end, but the girl would say it's okay, she's okay and all was well in the end. It's not a very thick book, but I took a long time reading it. I wish I could read faster and better.
What else to share? In preparation to watch Severance season 2 which I'm really excited about, I've been re-watching season 1 and I found myself forgetting many points of the story. Like I forgot that Helly was so miserable. As I was rewatching the episodes, it kinda brought back to mind this thought that I have been having for some time. Can you accept suffering if it makes the other part of you be okay or happy? It's like a toss between how much you love yourself and how selfish you are. In my weird mind I ask myself, can you accept being miserable for the other you in the alternative universe to be happy? Can you sacrifice yourself for all of yous' good? This does not require science fiction actually, it happens a lot in our life. Decisions we make about our health for example, things we consume, things we don't want to do but do for our own good. A wiser person would say happiness and suffering are not permanent and you are one being, the happiness of the other part of you is the happiness of you. Taking it further, we're all one being as the the whole human race and even bigger as living things. The suffering of others should be seen as our own suffering too and hence we should try to make things better for all. Happiness in others shouldn't bring envy to us, we should also be happy when people are happy. Yeah that is sometimes hard. Well that's me and my weird mind and I need to stop writing.
:) eKa @ 8:52:00 PM • 0 comments
Monday, February 10, 2025
hujan menangisi kota penuh ilusi
banyak manusia tapi ku sendiri
terus melangkah terus berjalan kaki
mungkin hidup ini memang begini
Puisi Kota - Maudy Ayunda + Iwan Fals
Found that song by chance and I like it a lot that on the day I found it, I played in on repeat a few times. The lyric is pretty nice though there is this line that I don't understand, bagai puisi mimpi harus dikejar - I was like what??!? Like a poem, a dream has to be chased - yeah I don't understand that one. One of the comment I read on that song was this girl saying that she thought life in her 20s should be the golden era and yet it's the anxiety era and I was like oh girl, nooo!!! I do feel bad she's feeling that way though I have nothing positive to say because I think as you go on in the decades of your life, it just gets worse with more worry. Actually I think if there's any decade of your life which should be glorious, it should be your 30s, because you're still young enough, by then hopefully you're smarter and you have a bit more money so that combination should make a more enjoyable time of your life. That being said, anxiety also never left my 30s, well it never leaves me even now. I guess as the song says, maybe life is like this. The song is like telling me that my life is like this with all its different facets, almost like you need to come to terms with it just like you come to accept who you are. As usual, I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well.
So I spent some time back home for Chinese New Year. I got to spend time with friends and family, hearing stories. Varied stories like unexpected health issues (that was scary), wealth (I have some rich relatives, but hearing wealth bigger than what these relatives have, bigger than what I could grasp, suddenly it made me think my world is so small), to beauty (now I realized many things can be fixed in Jakarta). There's really variety in my big extended family :D Being that I'm not the most social person out there, meeting all the family on Chinese New Year day still fills me with social anxiety but we only meet like once a year (particularly for me), so it is nice that the extended family still come to visit. As mom said, even with dad gone the cousins still come, they're so good. It is nice to see everyone with new addition, like there's a new baby this year and next year there will be more new babies. By hierarchy I'm actually on the grandmother level with some of these cousin's grandkids - yeah I covered my face when my mom told me that. She however is happy being on the great grandmother level, I guess in her mind it's a great thing to be that when she doesn't know when she'll have her own grandkids. There is something to be said, to be happy about things like this and to not be focused on things you don't have which I admittedly do a lot.
Did quite a number of things with mom. Took a train to visit my aunt / mom's older sister and it was combined with taking ojek / the motorcyle for hire, without helmet - so Indonesia, so unsafe, but honestly I wouldn't want to wear helmet that's been used by many people and no that option was not even available. We made it and back. That day was a day spent taking many public transportation, I'm quite proud of that day and I also got to eat cempedak goreng (google this one yourself) after we went praying that morning. In this trip, I managed to eat in two different eateries that serve Indonesian food, this is unexpected to me because I couldn't imagine my parents in my younger days doing this. I suppose as mom said, one could get bored of Chinese food too. Then one afternoon, mom flipped to a TV channel she said she sometime goes into. It was the channel that shows foreign films and we ended up watching this movie which initially I thought was french, but there's a scene where a license plate was shown and I think it's actually a Belgian movie. It was about these two youngsters who got pregnant at 15, yes roll your eyes everyone. We followed along these kids on their stupidity. At first they were going to abort the baby and I was telling mom isn't it nice that over there you could just go to a hospital and get it done and it's not a big deal, you can get safe abortion. The kids decided not to and then there's a scene where the parents finally met. My mom is definitely pro-choice, but she's also pro-marriage. She's like wondering why they're not asking these kids to get married. I was like why, the parents may not be married themselves. Mom does concede forcing marriage due to accidental pregnancy is not a good idea. In our extended family we've seen cases on those who got married (disaster) and one who didn't (she does alright, I'm sure even the aunties and uncles would give her a thumb up now). Anyways, from this movie I learnt that by 3 months you can get legal abortion in Belgium, but the silly kids were at 3.5 months by the time the parents met, so the girl's mother was suggesting The Netherlands. Side note: just googled this, wow in the Netherlands you can have legal abortion up to 24 weeks, which is the same as in Singapore :| So anyways, the girl's mother unable to help with this extra responsibility took the girl to a house that help girls in her situation. I was telling mom, isn't it great there's such option over there. What's the point of writing this much about this is because I do think sex education is important and safe open options should be available. In Indonesia, it's like we don't want to talk about these issues openly and this leads to stupid things happening that leads to dangerous things. Back to the movie, I had things to do, so didn't really watched the movie in full. I did see the baby being born, but what are you going to do with a baby at 15? How can you possibly support a baby at 15? Mom said in cases like this, the parents of the youngster have no choice and they need to step in and help. In Asia this seems to be like the default setting, but in the western world it might not be so?
What else? Back in Singapore, back to the grind, and back to elevated high blood pressure. I checked my blood pressure quite often back home and it's been good, like really good. So not sure why the very high reading in Singapore :( The only thing that's kinda bad back home is my pulse rate is not as good as in Singapore, but I literally didn't do a lot of movement back home, so that could be it. I know this is laziness to quite the extreme, but I kinda like it that back home I literally had days in a row where I did not step out of the house. Back in Singapore, this is not possible because I need to find food. Anyway, so my life is back to its usual routine now. One of the thing that I stumbled into on TV back home was the Christian channel and there's this young lady preaching about something. Side note: this young preacher used PowerPoint in her sermon, I didn't know they use this too these days. I didn't watch the whole thing, but in one of her bullet points was about being negative and that's how the devil gets you. I'm trying to remember this and put this into practice. On my first day back in the real world and I got nervous in the morning, I was like not today demon. I don't know if this is going to hold. In my many waking moments, I still ask God to please help me. May He has mercy on me.
:) eKa @ 8:59:00 PM • 0 comments
Monday, January 20, 2025
Thriving Luck + Emotional Dysregulation
Chinese New Year next week and I'm going home this weekend. At the mall nearest to me, they have the Chinese New Year decorations with the predictions for each of the zodiac. For the dogs, it's written that we would experience thriving luck and I was like oh please God, please!!! I do need it a lot. Side note: Trump is also a dog, imagine him having more luck than he's alredy experiencing. He was found guilty and yet did not get any punishment - may he live long to experience karma? Anyways, the prediction ends with a mention that health wise there could be issues arriving from emotional dysregulation. I was like of course, that tracks. Me and my pool of anxiety - just last week I freaked out because I thought the health issue that I fear was coming back. Thank God, it did not manifest.
A lot of things in my mind, as always. Just a day or two ago, I suddenly realized I wake up every morning with worry. It's like I couldn't get up feeling positive and excited to start the day. I wake up with fear and I have to pray to God to save me and then come the cycle of feeling bad for being so negative, not having faith, and always always having to bother God with my issues which is like non-issue. There is one main thing that worries me a lot, every waking moment when the thought comes to my head, I ask God for an outcome that I want, knowing full well that the outcome that I want is perhaps not the best for me, God's will is the best for me. I should trust God, but the control freak in me couldn't let go. This thing that I have to face, it's not even now, it's around 4-5 months from now and yet unlike my mom who said, put this aside first, I couldn't. I'm staring at it, watching the days tick by and feeling melancholic about an ending. It's stupid to feel sad right, like geez you have time, enjoy the present. I'm really doing life wrong.
A lot of thoughts swirl when I'm in this state. Feeling I'm more afraid as I get older and I have less confidence in myself. Questioning how much more can I endure. Endure is overly dramatic, because I'm not actually suffering. Fact is, I'm blessed, I have no difficulty in life, I do not live in a war zone. Yet, just to go through each day and facing what may come ahead fill me with dread. I don't know if going home will reset my head space a bit. Maybe not, usually as I land in Singapore, the mental space is that I need to get ready for the grind :( Another thing that comes to my head is the different approaches to life, whether it's better to let things come to you as they may or may not (like the water flowing as the Indonesians perhaps like to say) or to set objectives and chase goals (like maybe what many Singaporeans do). I've been wondering if I did my whole 30s wrong. Could I have avoided the situation that I'm in right now? What good does it do to look at the past right? Move forward and yet I don't know what my forward would be. Still lost, still stuck *sigh* Anyways, as usual I hope your days are glorious.
:) eKa @ 8:44:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, December 20, 2024
When I think about what to write as the last post of this year, my thoughts are filled with anxiety for the new year, they're really not positive. So I thought let's end it with something safe, the books, although yet again there are not many of them.
- Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver - I was like dumb, because I'm sure I read it somewhere when I was getting information on this book before buying it that it was inspired by David Copperfield by Charles Dickens; it's just it didn't take hold in my brain that one day the movie adaptation of David Copperfield was on TV and I was like wait a minute, the characters are familiar. Dumb me. I still love Demon Copperhead and I am looking forward to the screen adaptation of it, I think mini-series would be great.
- Great Circle by Maggie Shipstead - it managed to put ideas in my head. Ideas that I thought I'm gonna do in 2025, but it's not gonna happen due to reasons not of my own making.
- A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki - so previous ideas couldn't happen and this book planted a seed for new ideas, I thought about it but it's a no as well.
Talking about screen adaptation, I do watch a lot of things. I recently finished all four seasons of Slow Horses and I love it a lot. Tonight I'm going to start on One Hundred Years of Solitude, I really look forward to this. I couldn't remember much from the book, though I couldn't forget Úrsula the matriach, she's one of the greatest female character I've ever read. In things I read and watch, there are often lines that's like the universe talking to me. For example, in one of the French film I watched some time ago, a guy was telling his therapist about his cat who's most probably dead because it escaped the house. Then the therapist was like, again with the bad scenarios, you don't know any of that. It was like yeah it is me, I come up with bad scenarios all the time, they're the only scenarios in my head. Though the universe is trying to tell me all these, they don't stick. I try though, I try to enjoy this December. I was like give this December to yourself, but the bad thoughts are still flooding my brain. I'm still trying, but it's not all good. That's how I'm starting my 2025. Come January, it'll be like anxiety unleashed, they run more rampant than they already now. I hope this is not you. I truly wish you happy holidays and hope your 2025 wouldn't be as difficult as mine. Yes that is me with my bad scenario saying with certainty that it's gonna be difficult, though who can be sure? May God have mercy on me.
PS: This is what Copilot gave me when I asked it to make an image for a christmas card. A bit much? At least the kids are all smiles. I get tired talking to Copilot sometimes, I found myself not having the patience to refine prompts, but yeah I do enjoy having it do stuff.
:) eKa @ 8:35:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, November 15, 2024
Wait and Hope / The Gospel According to Alexandre Dumas
Wednesday, I found myself with time to do nothing and I spent the morning watching The Count of Monte Cristo. I recall watching another adaption of this in English when I was a student in my uni days so that's like over 20 years ago. I couldn't remember much of the details but I remember it's about revenge and at the end of it I was maybe feeling like wow it's quite a story. This new adaptation that I watched is a French one. Side note: my French is so bad, it's embarrassing :( Anyways, this French film's running time is pretty long, at almost 3 hours. To be fair there's a lot of stories to be told. Some parts of it were familiar, but there were also parts which I didn't remember and then towards the end one tragic thing happened and I was quite broken-hearted about it. The Count, cold as he thought he was, was broken-hearted too I'm sure. The movie ended with the Count reciting a line from the novel, a line that I didn't know existed before this. It goes, "l'humaine sagesse était tout entière dans ces deux mots: attendre et espérer!" which translates to the whole human wisdom is in these 2 words: wait and hope. I'm not sure how the Count came to that conclusion watching this film. He did wait alright, waiting all those years, preparing to exact his revenge, but this "waiting" is not what that line means. Then hope, where did that come about? Is it because one of his ward chose love instead of revenge. So if you let time passes, all your pain may go away or not carry that much weight and good things could happen? The line talks about wisdom and I do believe wisdom needs time. I've never read the novel so I don't know how I would feel about that line after reading the whole story.
Anyways, wait and hope appeared to me after some news was delivered to me telling me of a time limit that I now have which caused me to freak out and so I can't help feeling like it's the universe saying to me, wait and hope. Wait and hope. The usual anxiety-ridden me is still spiralling though. Even though this was also what my mom said, wait. She added that I should enjoy the time that I have now. I can't because all I see is the clock ticking down. Added to this was also the stupidity that I felt feeling anxious about this same thing last year when it's way too early to be worried and it doesn't lessen the worry that I have now. I am like forever filled with worry. The universe wants me to wait and hope and I am filled with fear. It's not a nice place to be in my head.
Wait and hope is perhaps what many Americans need to also do right now. By the way, another example I don't know shit - I was confident that Kamala Harris would win the popular vote and I was dead wrong. It's all so depressing. Why do I care right? I'm not even an American. I think I care for 2 reasons. One, we gotta admit that the world is shitty and though there are countries and borders, we as human actually need to work and progress together. Shitty leaders will take us back. Climate change cannot be solved by individual countries, we need the whole world to work together. Two, I'm just forever naive, wanting to see bad people getting their comeuppance and good things come to good people. The world is unfair though and that's exactly what happened here. How on earth a person who's incompetent and morally corrupt get rewarded like this? It's just insane. I could try to discount all the bad things that Trump did and point to the line where he loudly said, "I don't have a plan, I have a concept of a plan". How on earth that after that people be like okay you get my vote when we in real life, if it's us saying those words when we're looking for a job - bye, we will be shown the exit. It's very strange to me that people voted for a guy when if the voters did the same things as Trump, those voters wouldn't get the same leeway or pardon. So it's like they're allowing special treatment for this guy knowing they themselves wouldn't ever get that special treatment, they're okay with this injustice and unfairness :| Almost like they're okay you be king and we peasants. It's mind-boggling. I already went through this state of despair with how we got our current Indonesian President and Vice President (I couldn't even bring myself to say their names), trying to process why people chose wrong. It's still depressing. One thing maybe to take comfort in is perhaps knowing that there are people who come to the same conclusion as you. For example, when my mom said how come that guy became the president, I thought the lady was going to win - I was glad that my mom is still sane to know what the good choice was. I thought about it further; my mom definitely did not follow US politics as closely and deeply as me, so she wouldn't know all the shitty and crazy things Trump did. Things like what he did with a mic, those kinda news wouldn't make news in Indonesia (thank God, how to explain it to mom?), but the news about his supporters rioting when he lost and he not conceding defeat and not attending Biden's swearing in and just leaving like that definitely made news and this would be unacceptable for her. Again looking at Indonesia, even that kinda behaviour, not conceding defeat and riot, somehow get forgotten and the guy could get elected. How do you still look up at these people? It is depressing. I usually start my day with CNN and these days I found myself spending less time than usual because reading all the crazy things that Trump did just ... well I don't have the energy for it. The same with Indonesian news, I'm spending less time reading about this new government.
Anyways, back to me - I wish I could just be happy and relax and enjoy December, but I'm in a deep state of panic and anxiety and I have a whole other side of paranoia that I haven't even talked about. I'm so stressed out to the point that I don't have much appetite, like not so hungry even though I need to eat. One night I realized all this make me want to cry but I haven't been crying because I just don't have the time. It's like I need to schedule a time to sit down and cry about all of these things that are bothering me, but I couldn't squeeze in a time and also I don't have the energy to cry :( I don't know how God's feeling and thinking hearing me asking Him to help me all times of the day. A friend said it is the point to tell God all these, because God's the only one who would listen. I pray He has mercy on me.
:) eKa @ 8:28:00 PM • 0 comments
Tuesday, October 22, 2024
Book 2 - A Tale for the Time Being
Just finished reading A Tale for the Time Being not long ago. It's written by Ruth Ozeki. The book is about a writer who found a lunchbox that was washed ashore near where the writer lived in Canada. The lunchbox contained a diary of a Japanese girl and some other writings of that girl's great uncle. Like the book I read before this one, the chapters are alternating between two characters - the writer and the entry of the Japanese girl's diary. Overall I thought the book was okay. I didn't really enjoy the science fiction / fantasy part (cannot find a better term) towards the end of the book which actually was pivotal to the whole story. I was super curious on how the Japanese girl came into possession of her great uncle's writings, but the explanation given was not satisfying to me. Between the writer and the Japanese girl, I was definitely more interested in the life of the Japanese girl and like the writer in the story, I was also invested in her well-being. The girl started her diary telling the reader (whoever finds the diary) that she's going to kill herself and then reading her description of the really bad bullying she got, it's just a lot. Bullying is not even the correct word I feel, because she was assaulted and almost raped. The Japanese word used is ijime which translates to bullying. I really wonder if ijime was meant to describe simple bullying or really to the level of bullying as described by this girl where her classmates also staged a mock funeral for her. Really it's a lot and that was on top of her dad's situation. We didn't even hear about her mother who definitely had her own struggle and for sure most probably struggled alone as well. On the other side, the writer chapters are interesting in a way that the writer in the book was also named Ruth and the husband in the book had the same name as this author's real life husband and as Wikipedia told me, seems to also have the same job. I value my privacy a lot so I was just, I guess stunned that she would set a character that shared many similarities with her. It got the nosy me to google around. I guess why give opportunity to people to paste their assumption based on what they read in this fiction to their real life? Like, is the inner thought of Ruth in the book the same as Ruth the author? Maybe other readers don't care. It's just me who's too nosy.
Now, the main thing about the book which I don't think I fully get was this contemplation and reflection that we are time being. What does it mean? As the Japanese girl wrote it, A time being is someone who lives in time. The book has appendices and one of them was about Zen moments. The girl's great grandmother is a Zen nun so the subject of Zen was brought up a lot and I also don't get it. According to the great grandmother, a moment is a very small particle of time. So we at this second are experiencing many moments and each moment I suppose has the possibility to alter things and us. That's a lot and that's also fast. Being aware of it is perhaps key to living in time or truly understanding living with time? I told you I don't get it. The last few pages talk about quantum physics and Schrödinger's cat and the different interpretations and I googled, watched YouTube videos, but I don't get it. According to the writer, quantum physics and Zen do not contradict each other, in fact they may be explaining the same thing in different ways. Some things require time for you to sit with it and ponder about it. I just didn't, so no wonder that I didn't get anything. I think me not fully appreciating the book and enjoying the conclusion is because I couldn't grasp this whole idea of what's being presented here.
I did was curious to try Zazen, the Zen's way of meditating (I'm putting it simply and most probably incorrectly). The Japanese girl desribed it in the book on how to get started. Again the lazy me didn't make time for it, so far I only tried three times for a really short period of time and definitely did it the wrong way. Maybe the key is just to keep on trying no matter how wrong, maybe eventually something right will kick in? That does not sound right. Just living life without the effort to do right feels wrong. I feel I'm in a very wrong state so nothing right could come out of it, but to turn it around to the right state feels like an impossibility because how deep wrong I feel I am in right now, but the Japanese girl and her dad managed to turn it around, so perhaps it's possible? Possibility exists as long as we live? Is that the lesson? I don't know.
Moving on to TV, finally I finished watching Pachinko season 2. I have to say I didn't like it much. I think my expectation was way too high. After reading the book, I thought the story could end with season 2 but they chose to change a lot of things from the book and added more things and that's where it became a bit of a turn off for me. The characters already suffered a lot and they had to suffer more - they couldn't even complete the cremation of Sunja's husband (how then they're going to rationalize that his grave exists? Or this will not happen? Or is it an empty grave?), also their rice storage barn got burned down after all the hard work (please!). I also didn't like that Sunja allowed Hansu to kiss her (don't think it's in the book) or even to get that close. Also the relationship between Kyunghee and Chang-ho was way closer than I wanted it to be. One thing I kinda hope for is for Yoseb to actually redeem himself a bit more and be more present, though it's not looking likely. The last thing that bothered me a lot was when Noa left. Noa seemed to leave in peace, especially with his mother, so I couldn't see the TV series Noa doing what the book Noa ended up doing, unless he'll be doing it out of shame? It's a point of discussion actually why the book Noa did what he did - unfortunately I had no one to discuss it with. My only assumption when reading the book was Noa did what he did because he realized he couldn't run away from who he is no matter how much he changed and he's unable or unwilling to reconcile all parts of him. TV Noa is different though, the last thing his dad showed was forgiveness so after all that how could Noa end up the same? Unless he didn't. I guess I look forward to season 3 to find out about this.
The last thing I want to write is what I'm also watching now, The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon - The Book of Carol. When Daryl finally met Carol, not gonna lie, I think I had a tear :D It got me thinking, it's rare to feel this strongly about characters who are not even boyfriend and girlfriend. They're the ride or die friend and that kind of bond is really the kind we dream of right? Truly, I think this kind of friendship bond being front and center being shown is rare I think. I wonder how the season is gonna end - they will stay in France forever? Of the current The Walking Dead iterations, I do have to say I look forward to Daryl and Carol's story the most. One last note, the local TV been showing Audrey Hepburn's movies and recently Sabrina was shown. The line, the moon's reaching for me, got me laughing and since I'm also delusional at times, I get it :D In the movie, I have to say, Humphrey Bogart was really captivating. He did not seem to be very tall, but there's just a different kind of handsome with him. I really like these old movies being shown and hope they would do more of this. Alright, so that's about it about books and TV.
:) eKa @ 11:08:00 AM • 0 comments
Wednesday, September 25, 2024
Picture above is of books I recently got. Was surprised to find out how expensive the books are. Is it inflation? The books are like over 20 SGD a pop and I contemplated if I should take all three. In the end I did because I rarely step foot in Kinokuniya anymore which is like the only book store left in Singapore that carries quite an extensive catalogue? I usually order them online and when I had to pay 30 cents for the plastic bag, I thought buying online gave you that benefit, they pack it with bubble wrap and plastic and you don't have to pay extra for all that. I have become that calculative, so much so that I thought with the prices the book in, it's more value for money to get thicker book. Give me more stories with the money I'm paying please. Aah, the ballad of poor people.
I'm not poor though. A lot of people would argue I am not poor at all. I could survive so that's like luckier than most. In Kino, I also happened to chance upon a book regarding the 2024 prediction for all the Chinese zodiacs. The dogs should be doing well this year, but I'm not feeling it. If anything, mentally I've been spinning further down, it's been bad. Physically, something bad happened last week, so I'm taking the meds and I just hope it could be resolved :( I wonder what the year's been like to my fellow dog cousin. I know my good friend, Dewi, had some nightmares weeks ago. It's so random on how she told me that I was like is her account hacked and I'm talking to some scammer? Anyways, I got to thinking - when Daniel survived in the lion's den, is it really good luck or blessing? Cause I may argue, the good luck or blessing would be not being in the lion's den in the first place! Yeah, don't listen to me, I am in a very woe me, self-centered state right now. Even if I survive the lion's den, I will still be pissed as hell for being in one.
It's been another negative rambling, yes? So maybe let me stop at one good recommendation that I can give you. I've been watching Derry Girls and I love it a lot. Finding myself snorting laughing at some parts and using the Irish inflection in my head. Too bad they do not have a lot of seasons. If only they could go on. I still haven't started on Pachinko season 2. Will do so soon. Another thing I am looking forward to is The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon season 2, The Book of Carol, because Carol and Daryl reunited, you just have to watch that right.
:) eKa @ 8:48:00 PM • 0 comments
Monday, August 26, 2024
The title of the post is me copying 3 Body Problem, a TV series that I recently completed and I really love. My one-body problem is just me. I revolve around myself with my uncontrollable anxiety. It's been mentally draining reaching this end of August. I thought once I got through a big hump that filled me with dread I would feel better, but no not really. I'm still feeling gloomy. There's still more anxiety to be had, many different kinds if I really think about it :(
Anyways, 3 Body Problem, I like it a lot. It's based on a novel by a Chinese author. I read in Wikipedia, it's a trilogy of novels. It tells a story about an alien race who's on their way to invade Earth because their planet with its three suns is hostile to their survival. The aliens will arrive in 400 years and the story is about the humans who are trying to fight this invasion. If you know an alien race would come to invade Earth, of course you're gonna be like whaaat?!?! But then when you think about their eta is 400 years from now, second thought would be like okay, we'll be dead by then. Climate change may wipe us first, so hold your horses and calm the shit down? :D The next question would then be, should we do something about it now? The more I think about it as this TV series lingered in my head after the last episode is that, if you're driven by love, you may do something about it now. 400 years - that's like your grand grand grand kids time if all the generations are fortunate enough to live a long life. If you are able to think about those people and think of them with love, you may try as much as you can to help them. Then on the same line, why are we not doing more about climate change? Aliens would come in 400 years and this becomes the main focus of the people in the TV series. No one told the aliens, climate change would make the Earth hostile as well :D
How the aliens found out about our location was because some years back a Chinese scientist who was working to find extraterrestrial life received a response to the signal they're broadcasting. She was warned by an alien not to reply back because it would tell the aliens of the Earth location, but the scientist so disillusioned with human decided to reply back and told the aliens to come. The scientist experienced many cruelty and suffering in her life up to that point so her worldview was bleak and I thought this unilateral decision (she didn't tell anyone - well she didn't have anyone she could trust) was unfair and I was glad to see one of the characters confronted her in the later episode. One thing we learn about the aliens is that they don't understand the concept of a lie and when they found out about it from the man leading a pro-alien organization, they pretty much turned against the human because they don't think they can co-exist with beings who lie and they started calling us bugs and this caused panic. This part was very interesting to me because if the aliens don't lie, then what was that one alien who first saw the message going to do? Wouldn't it have to lie and tell the other aliens that they didn't receive any message? The aliens part is really interesting for me, I want to know more about them. So far we know they could dehydrate like raisins when their planet is entering its hostile state and come back to full form when hydrated and they don't understand the concept of lying, and that's pretty much it so I'm so so curious about them - do they have God, what do they think of the concept of God. The focus of the story is more on the humans and what they're going to do about this. Quite a number of the characters are very likeable and I was quite sad seeing some of them died. TV series who know their time is limited often have to make bold moves like that, but it's still hard. I was like can't you all stay around longer. The TV series is created by the duo who did Game of Thrones so it was also nice seeing a number of actors who were in Game of Thrones be in this TV series. One character that I only realized halfway was Ser Davos who in this TV series played a character who leads the Planetary Defense Council (PDC) and I was surprised upon finding it out because his character is so different. In here he's the leader, no bullshit kinda person. Perhaps a bit hard to accept, but he might be the leader that is necessary for the situation. In conclusion, I love 3 Body Problem a lot, so much so that I even contemplated if I should watch the Chinese TV series adaptation. Wikipedia told me there's 30 episodes, so that would be quite a commitment. For now, I just can't wait for season 2.
Another thing that I watched before 3 Body Problem was House of the Dragon. I gotta say, I didn't particularly like season 1. I think I was like perhaps tired with it. Like we went through Game of Thrones so to step into the same world, I guess I was missing originality and wishing for something new. Season 2 though, I like it much better and I think a big part of why I like it is because somehow I like Aemond a lot. Like I was like, why do I like Aemond? It feels like I need to examine myself on why I'm being drawn to this character who's not necessarily a nice person. Being the silly person that I am, I googled why do I like Aemond? Turned out, many people like him too - maybe we all need to examine ourselves :D Really, in this earth with the billions of people, your feeling is never unique, and yet we often feel so alone when chances are someone out there feel or know exactly what you are feeling. Anyways, so those are the TV series. The one that I am really looking forward now is Pachinko season 2, but I think I will wait until all the episodes roll in before I start watching them. I've also been wanting to go to the movie since the past months I couldn't make the time to do so, but now when I think I have the time, there's no movie that I actually want to watch. No, don't tell me to go watch Deadpool & Wolverine, again where's the originality?
:) eKa @ 9:34:00 PM • 0 comments
Friday, July 26, 2024
I cannot quite believe it, but it's true. It seems I've only completed one full book so far this year. I did finish Demon Copperhead this year, but I started that last year. So far Great Circle is the only book I started and finished in this year. Gosh, I don't know what to make of my unproductivity. It's almost hard to believe that there were years passed that I managed to read more than 5 books a year. Anyways, Great Circle is by Maggie Shipstead. It tells 2 stories, one was about a girl, Marian, born in the 1910s who wanted to fly plane and she did that. The book opens with a map showing a great circle around the earth that Marian attempted to complete, but there's a missing line, signifying she didn't complete her circle. The other story was about an actress in our contemporary time who's going to be playing Marian in a movie. I didn't enjoy the actress story much and even wondered the point of her story, but she's important to deliver the twist on what happened to Marian in the end. Throughout I was more interested with Marian's story. Yes, the actress also had a tragic childhood similar to Marian, but I was just more invested with Marian while the actress just tired me. The other thing about Marian, the other characters in her life were also interesting. I love reading about her twin brother Jamie and their childhood friend Caleb. Jamie was not the main character in this book, we don't know much about his thoughts during his childhood so to learn more about him was great. He was such an endearing character. Another thing that I wanted to learn more is about Marian and Jamie's dad, but we didn't get to know more about what happened to him.
SPOILER ALERT - stop reading if you're planning to read the book. As depressed as I am, I was surprised at myself because I was happy upon finding out that Marian survived the flight and she's alright. She's not lost somewhere in some ocean. Marian went through a lot of difficulty and sadness in her life, but she had also overcome a lot, so if she was to die, I was acceptant about it and she was too, but I supposed it's in her instinct to always try and so she lived on. As someone who thinks that living is more difficult than dying, I was just surprised that I was glad at this fact. Not only did Marian survive, she also flourished in the next part of her life. She's one of those people who would just always be okay no matter the struggles in life. One of the character in the book described her as formidable and she's indeed so. Side note: one time in french class the teacher pronounced the word formidable, couldn't remember why he did so, but I just thought it sounded better in french, like formidable sounds more formidable in french :D Anyways back to Marian, one thing that differs with me and Marian and made me think I need to reasses myself is how I felt about the end of her navigator. Her navigator chose not to go with her in her last leg. The navigator thought they wouldn't make it and he didn't want to die drowning. So he decided to stay in Antartica alone which essentially meant he's going to die. He was at peace with it saying maybe he'd just walk out one night and lie down under the aurora. Marian had guilt about this, about not trying to persuade him to go with her, about leaving him alone, and about not sending help even after she survived, but the navigator already said that she shouldn't do all that. He had chosen his path. I do not have guilt about this whatsoever. I know that one couldn't say for sure if this happens to be an actual person I know, not just some character in a book, but overall I think he's a grown adult who through the twists and turns of his own life came to this decision. So if it were me, I would ask are you sure maybe more than 10 times and then be like okay. There's an appeal to me about being alone on your own term and knowing your time is going to end and it may end soon. I am way too depressed, I guess. Overall not a bad book. There are some lines that Marian wrote in her journal that just spoke to me, things like, why go at all? I have no answer beyond my certainty that I must.
What else? Been watching a few stuff. I was glad that The Bear season 3 is still great. I also watched The Sympathizer which I thought was not bad. I remember I didn't particularly enjoy the book, like I can't remember much of the story of the book. The TV series did a better job of making me follow a line of story better. There's an unsettling feeling throughout all the episodes which personally for me was rather truthful to the feeling that I got from reading the book. The ending when we have to reflect on the line nothing is more precious than independence and freedom did stump me a bit. I think I got it though it took me awhile to think about it and even so I don't know if my understanding of it is correct. It felt like a very Buddhist way of thinking, of forming non-attachment. I feel like I still need to think about it, especially in the context of all the characters in the story who struggled in this Vietnam revolution. The nothingness, their suffering, their ideals, how to come to terms with all that. Really it's like I need to think more about this. I could be getting all this completely wrong. Some good stories are the ones that get you thinking deeply, unfortunately I don't give much time for that because once a story is done, I move on to the next.
:) eKa @ 9:45:00 PM • 0 comments
Wednesday, July 10, 2024
teruslah jalan, terus berjalan
sebentar lagi ku akan sampai tujuan
Jalan Pulang - Yura Yunita
Day 12. I woke up, showered, wore the same clothes I had been wearing which made me rather yucky, then went for breakfast and it was then when I realized it's the second time now trying to leave Germany and again I was thwarted. Granted, I eventually got to where I needed to go, but gosh the obstacles, what's going on universe? My Singapore Airlines flight was at 12:30 pm. I didn't have to arrive early in the airport because I had checked in the night before. Frankfurt city center is actually around 20-min train ride away. If I had any drop of adventurous-ness left, I would have woken up earlier and spent the morning exploring it, but I was so done with Germany. I just wanted to get back. So after breakfast, I went back to my room to just laze around, watch CNN, and charge my phone. I still left for the airport early though because until I was on the plane, I wasn't feeling secure. When I left the hotel, there was a drizzle and I was like, of course it had to be like this with me and Germany. Even in the daylight, I had difficulty finding my way to the Gateway Gardens station. I was like, what the fuck?!?! Google gave me direction but somehow I couldn't find the turn that I was supposed to take. I was walking back and forth in the drizzle and that was annoying that I finally just stopped and asked these few men who were standing and chatting. They're Indian looking and older, perhaps that's where a little comfort came for me because it's like a familiar sight. One of them pointed me the way. I ended up taking the longer way, the Bessie Coleman street - what's with the English sounding names in this this part of Frankfurt? There's a mural of a black lady in aviator attire as I was passing the street and I assume that's Bessie Coleman. I was like, you go girl! I googled her and Wikipedia told me, she's the first African-American woman and first Native American to hold a pilot license. So she's a trailblazer. Unfortunately she died young in a plane crash :( I don't know if the universe tried to tell me anything, letting me get to know her, but it's kinda tied to a book that I've been reading for awhile now, which tells a story about a female aviator who overcame many obstacles to fly. The character in the book even flew in World War 2. I learn there's a whole group of women who helped by flying combat planes all over so that the male pilots could use them. These women didn't have it easy with the men looking down at them. Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg who made miniseries like Band of Brothers, The Pacific, and all should do one that focuses on women who helped the war effort.
Anyways, back to me trying to find Gateway Gardens station. Even as I was approaching it, I wasn't sure it was the station because it looked like a construction site. Google maps was telling me you're there and when I approached the structure, I found out that yep, I was there. It was like holy Jesus, what the ...?!?! I hope they would make this station nicer on the outside. Arriving at the airport, I was quite early I guess that I couldn't find the gate on the board. This filled me with anxiety. Seriously, until I get to the gate and see the actual plane, I couldn't just relax. I decided to see if the airport site had more updated information. It did and I found the gate, so I decided to just go in. I had some euros left and so done was I with Germany, I decided to buy not German chocolates, but Dutch ones. There was a Tony's Chocolonely bag which was filled with mini chocolate and it's great. I was glad to see the plane and when I got in the plane, I think that was when I could just finally calm down. It's happening, I was getting back.
I was trying to see a good thing out of this and the only thing I could come up with was that I got to try Singapore Airlines? I wouldn't choose this on my own because they're generally more expensive. So this would perhaps be my first and last flight with them. That being said, if you're on economy class, it's pretty much the same everywhere. Yes, Singapore Airlines give you ice-cream after the main meal, but I'd gotten that from Cathay Pacific too. The extra touch is perhaps the cabin crew who pass around a few times offering snack which in light of recent sudden turbulence news, I do think doing this kinda endanger them. I have to say, yes I complain a lot about what happened to me and I do realize it could always be worse. Just a few days after my flight was the Singapore Airlines turbulence incident that caused someone to die. It's really tragic, especially because they were so close to arriving *sigh* All and all, I arrived back in Singapore okay. Stepping out the plane, the heat was felt immediately and it was like, yep welcome to Singapore. The terminal I landed in didn't have the manual counter so I immediately went to the side and asked the officer to process me. The guy who processed me was kinda cute and I remember thinking this was quite rare. He was like, did you try the automatic gate. I explained my situation - being marked for bad fingerprints. He tried to put me back on the system, but couldn't because I happened to also have sweaty hands then :( He was apologetic about it, so he's nice too :D Then to my luggage which took a long time to come out that thoughts started racing in my head, did I do something wrong, did I miss the part about me having to take care of my luggage back in Frankfurt? One of the staff in Changi even asked me if I was still waiting for my luggage and then he was like, maybe wait a bit more, it's coming. Thank God it really did. What an end to my trip this whole thing was. A whole new experience. I do not wish something like this to ever happen again, but when it does, hopefully I'll be able to get my shit together better. Arriving in my room, I was so tired that I needed to lie down. Didn't last long though because it's hot and I was feeling quite dirty. The delay sucked because I was losing a day to acclimatize physically and mentally before returning to real life.
One final thought on all of this. I was and am fully aware that throughout it all, I was okay, I was fine, which was exactly what I prayed for. I prayed for God to help me be okay, but when those shits were happening, I just freaked out. Yes, I could recuperate, formulate a new plan, and find my ways, but those moments where I got knocked down - well maybe it's the immaturity in me that I couldn't just be cool about it and instead I was emotionally kicking and screaming. This I realize is happening in everyday life too. I've faced shitty things and I have come out okay but when the shitty things happen, I just get down so badly that it paralyzes my being. I hate it so much, the black hole I'm sinking into, causing me to not have a single shred of confidence that I could do this. It's like being dragged down by something heavy and I just have to let myself sink until the freak out could subside and I could slowly make a move to conquer the mountain of shit. People perhaps would say, you don't have to freak out, you're a really capable person, you've done many difficult things, you can do this - well, those are true and I wish it could be the case, but this is where I have to admit I am mentally weak at times that no, in those moments, all I could do really is just try to hold on as I am being tossed around by waves of doubt. I hope maturity would cause these waves to come and go faster, but so far they're really taking a while. Take this month July. I have resigned myself that this will be a depressing month for me, fighting between I don't know if I could survive this and grasping on the little moments where I feel I could maybe try and actually try. Come back to me in the middle of August and see how I'll be then. Chances are I'll be alright, but right now I just don't know. Yesterday I read, Refuse to be discouraged, refuse to be distressed. For when we are despondent, our lives cannot be blessed - Helen Steiner Rice. I had to pray to God to forgive me that I'm not all that and despite that, I hope He still has mercy one me *sigh* Anyways, it's been close to 2 months since I ended the trip, if you have read until this part, wow, thank you. As always, hope your days are glorious :)
:) eKa @ 9:03:00 PM • 0 comments
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