Sunday, August 27, 2017

Anxious Stream of Consciousness

Hey guys, I actually have nothing interesting to share (what's new?), however since I realized that I haven't written anything in August, so here you go. Finished my 3rd book of the year, Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children. I can't say I enjoy it much. Don't get wrong, it's richly written. I just didn't feel it much. The book is actually more like a person telling his story, his beginning and end. He was born at the midnight of the partition of India and Pakistan, so these countries's fate as he liked to see it were intertwined or a representation of what he was. I really did learn a tiny bit about the the history of India, Pakistan, and in later stage Bangladesh. This being this man's attempt to tell his history, many of the passages felt like a stream of consciousness. On these, sometime I found me having to read the lines over and over to really understand what it means, because often time there's no comma or separator. I don't know if you noticed it about how I write here, but I'm like commas crazy. I think I put them way too much. These streams of consciousness passages can be fun to read too because when I read fictions, in my head I often put tones and add my imagination in reading the lines. So for me whose thoughts are always jumping all over the place, when I read these passages, it's like I let my head to have the words just attack me, to let it jump all over the place, and perhaps I kinda hold my breath when doing it because after, I often let out a big sigh. This book is critically acclaimed and has won prizes, but I guess sometime I just don't get it. So anyway now I am reading Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I really like it so far which is perhaps kinda a bad thing to say because of the many bad and sad things inside the book. Anyways I think we're kinda behind schedule now peeps. Especially since I want to keep the tradition of reading the year's Pulitzer Prize winner for fiction, which I haven't even bought. We'll see.

Okay what's else? Movies. Haven't watched many of those. How I'm feeling? Bad I have to say. People like me experience this more often and perhaps more profoundly than others. I have a lot of anxiety and it's just so engulfing that I'm feeling restless and sad all the time, okay most of the time. Talking about stream of consciousness, below is a peek of what's its like inside my head and let me just end this post on this depressing note.

I wish can I feel better. I wish I don't feel this way. Maybe feeling happy is not that important as long as it's not sadness that I feel, or fear, or worry. I wish I'm not so afraid. I wish I can just leave. Will leaving make it better? I wish I'm not so fearful about leaving. I wish I know what to do. I wish I'm not in my head so much. I wish I'm not the only person who have to comfort me or save me. I wish it's just better. I wish I am better. I wish I know what to do. I wish I'm not afraid. I wish I can be easier. I wish I can have some time on my own to figure this out. I wish I am brave enough to take that time. Why can't I do this for me? Why am I so afraid? Am I asking too much of myself? What if this just it. I wish I can be more acceptant. I really wish I don't feel this way. I don't want to do this anymore.

:) eKa @ 12:16:00 PM • 0 comments

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